NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

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vickitwo
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby vickitwo » Thu Jun 18, 2015 9:58 am

It has been 1 1/2 year for me since my husband's death. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays don't particularly cause more sadness for me. Mostly it is a day to day thing...a never ending rollercoaster. I definitely don't think things have gotten any easier if anything I think that I have been missing him more. I need to sell my home but I have zero motivation to tackle what seems like climbing a tall mountain. I just want to bury my head in the sand. I don't want to go thru the rest of my life alone. I joined a dating website about three weeks ago. So far that had been a disappointment. One guy responded with "I don't date widows". Wow, I did not realize that being a widow would render me undateable. What a cruel thing to say. He could have just said something like from your profile we don't seem like a good match or something similar. I did have a successful 25 year marriage, I loved and was loved, we stuck thru good times and bad. Dating again and putting myself out there makes me feel so vulnerable. I do envy all of the anniversaries of friends and relatives that I see on facebook, the couple vacation get aways etc. I feel angry and sad for all of the shattered dreams. Recently I had a dream about my husband.... There was some sort of save the world type government project that he had volunteered for and was going away. I did not know when or if I would ever see him again. I was so sad that he was going and while embracing him I told him that I needed him here with me but he insisted on going. The embrace was so real, I could feel the whole essence of him.
Vicki

DH Dx 1/2012 @ age 52
stage IV CC
transverse colon,omentum, cecum,liver,lungs,L5
9 rounds of Folfox, Avastin,
5FU/Leucovorin/Avastin
radiation tx to L5 and hips
Folfiri/Zaltrap
12/13/13 Folfox/Avastin
1/4/2014 passed away @ Hospice House- age 54

pfCml73183
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby pfCml73183 » Fri Jun 19, 2015 2:34 am

Vicki, your post feels like you took my thoughts and put them into words.
Celeste
Wife and BF to Peter, 54
mCRC/IV/BRAF+
Erbitux and Urelumab trial @MSKCC 3/15
went home 5/8/15

WifeOfMike
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby WifeOfMike » Sat Jun 20, 2015 11:00 pm

Hello all,

I am glad you are all checking in. YES, the loneliness is so thick, it can be cut with a knife- especially at night time when it is quiet.
I'm hoping my mom's house sale is REALLY going through on June 30th, which means anywhere between the 1st & 7th of July, she will be moving in with me.
That should help us both & I am pretty excited about it, although dreading moving someone once again... in 100 degree heat to boot!

I finally decided the right time to jump in our boat & do the small PRIVATE Celebration of Life for Mike
June 19th would have been his 60th Birthday. We closed our business & at 2:30 jumped in our 21' boat & headed to sea
My goal was to honor their father, but to not make it a tearful, glum day. Something my dear Mike would have wanted
Our 21' Boat, Brian Bass our Captain (youngest son) :lol:

Image

Once inside of Carlsbad waters (where we live), I asked my youngest son (Our Captain) to find us some Dolphins.
(Mike had gone to the beach last year on his Birthday & had called me excited that he saw Dolphins playing in the waves)
.......so several miles from shore- I was moved to tears when we ran across at least 60-75 dolphins- in two huge schools dancing among the waves

Image

We then floated 4 different colored Hibiscus (one for me, one for each of our 3 sons), along with many Plumeria Blossoms from our yard
Our Mike loved these flowers- his favorites. We watched in silence as they too danced across the waves & gently floated out to sea.

Image

We then headed off to 65' depth & planted some fishing poles into the water. Or should I say my youngest son did
Within minutes, we caught a Halibut, a tiger shark and almost funny- a 75 LB Bass. This puppy was enormous & my youngest son tackled that beast for 20 minutes
(NOTE_ I have never been fishing, 2nd time on boat & had never driven boat) I manned the wheel & helped Brian chase that fiesty fish around the ocean, in & out of kelp beds. When we finally got him up to the edge of the water- we noticed his size & that he was a Black Sea Bass- endangered, rare & old. We cut him loose & as we let him go he splashed his sassy tale hard into the water as he spun back into the sea- totally soaking Brian & myself. We had a great Laugh about- Pop's spirit sassing by to say HI

On our way back to the docks, we threw our leftover bait into the waters, and even hand fed some friendly Pelicans
All in All, a Beautiful way to Celebrate the Day with my Dear Mike & our Sons.

Image

A BIG HUG to all
Vicki
Bad Ass WIFE
Hubs: CRC IVA,T3, N0, M1A
Resect/LN Mets 10/12
Folfox4/Avastin 11/12-5/13
Folfiri/Erbitux 6/13-10/13
Stivarga 12/13-4/14
Trial 4/14-/14
Trial 8/14-11/14
HOME Hospice 11/17/14
Guardian Angel 1/1/15
Cost of HOPE? PRICELESS

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Patience
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Patience » Sun Jun 21, 2015 1:36 am

WifeofMike, such a heartwarming send off, I'm so happy for you and your family that you found the right time and right way to do so. Now your husband is mingling in the same Pacific Ocean as mine is, and I hope you have the same peace that I have about such a wondrous final resting place in nature.
"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you."

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Patience
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Patience » Sun Jun 21, 2015 1:42 am

RE:" "I don't date widows"

Vickitwo, perhaps your potential date's reluctance is because he feels he cannot live up to the expectations of a person (the "widow") who herself has managed to maintain a marriage through the hardships of a serious situation (in this case, cancer). Perhaps he knows he is not able to fulfill the vows of loving in health and sickness until death-do-us-part. He is perhaps too weak, too immature, or too vain to put other's needs first.

You are better off without even meeting him.

That is how I'd look at it.
"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you."

vickitwo
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Location: USA

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby vickitwo » Sun Jun 21, 2015 6:57 am

Patience,

RE: I don't date widows

I agree totally with your assessment. I did not even have a conversation with this guy and he is judging me without even knowing me. He was a divorced man and said that he had been single longer than he had been married and learned some things along the way. Perhaps that spoke volumes about him. I just think that to make a statement like that was a bit cruel. I guess that I just feel so vulnerable putting myself out there. I had unconditional love with my husband, we had that rich history of 25 years of marriage, we had the memories and exeriences of raising five kids together, etc. etc. How does one find that again? Is it even possible? Is it possible to trust someone like I trusted my husband. I don't like being single, but do I really want another relationship and all that it entails. It is all so scary. I guess that to really live involves taking some risks, but it is more easily said than done.


Vicki,

That sounds like a wonderful tribute to Mike. Thank you for sharing the lovely photos.
Vicki

DH Dx 1/2012 @ age 52
stage IV CC
transverse colon,omentum, cecum,liver,lungs,L5
9 rounds of Folfox, Avastin,
5FU/Leucovorin/Avastin
radiation tx to L5 and hips
Folfiri/Zaltrap
12/13/13 Folfox/Avastin
1/4/2014 passed away @ Hospice House- age 54

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bitchslapped
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby bitchslapped » Sun Jun 21, 2015 11:18 am

WifeofMike (Sista Vicki): I can just imagine the peace & serenity of your surroundings in honoring your Mike through the intimacy of your small family unit...those who know best what gave meaning to him. Adding another family activity @ the time forms new warm memories on which to reflect of the very special purpose & meaning of that day. Thank you for sharing & hope you enjoyed that halibut.

Beautiful photos...Many hugs to you.

Lois
DSS,35YO,unresect mCRC DX 7/'14,lvr,LN,peri,rib
FOLFOX+Avstn 4 Rnds d/c 10/'14
Stent 9/'14
FOLFIRI+Avstn 10/'14
Gone From My Sight 2/20/15
Me:garden variety polyps + precancerous polyp
Carergver x2 DH,DM dbl occupancy,'03-'10
DH dx 47YO mCRC,'04-'07 fried x HAI
DM dx CC 85YO,CC,CHF,stroke,dementia,aphasia

Val*pal
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Val*pal » Sun Jun 21, 2015 12:27 pm

Vickitwo: After the divorce from my first husband, I went on some dating websites to try and find someone. It was an up and down experience, but mostly down. It makes you realize how incompatible most people are. :shock: Then I met Danny, and I realized within a few weeks he was very special. :D We were together for about seven years before we actually married in 2007. So it is possible to find a great person.

Now that I've been married twice, I don't really have any interest in meeting someone new. I'm definitely more of an introvert than an extrovert, so meeting new people is much more uncomfortable for me than for some others. I absolutely hate it. So. . .I am content to stay single the rest of my life. One coworker of mine where I teach part-time evenings asked me out in May, but I told him I needed more time to get over Danny, especially with the first anniversary of his death approaching. This man seems nice, but I think he's at least 5 years younger than me and that makes me feel weird. For me, it just seems like so much trouble to go through again. I'm 62 now and I'm one of those people who most of the time enjoys solitude (introversion!), and I have my adult children, my two grandchildren, and friends to socialize with.

But there are days when it is very, very lonely. I hope you persevere and find someone wonderful.

Wife of Mike: I'm so happy you had your celebration for Mike. I'm sure he was there in spirit with you and your sons. Though I've classified myself as an agnostic most of my adult life, since Danny died I have begun to lean more towards believing in an afterlife since sometimes I just feel his presence so much it's as if I can reach out and touch him. I'm sure Mike was enjoying the experience along with you and your sons, especially the wrestling match with the big fish.
DH dx'ed May '11, age 62
Jul '11: resection Stage IV
10/11: 6 mo Folfox
8/12:thyr canc, surg/tx
2/13: peri mets
2/13: Firi/Avas
6/13: Ok
8/13: break
10/13: Lung, peri, mets
10/13: Firi/Erb
1/14: Erb Fail; spread
5/14: Tx stopped
6/20/14: At rest

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Kathleen808
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Kathleen808 » Sun Jun 21, 2015 9:59 pm

Vicki,

Everything about Mike's celebration of life sounds wonderful my friend. Your family, the flowers, dolphins, fish, pelicans. I am so glad you had a beautiful day. Sending you love.

Aloha,
Kathleen
Kathleen
DH 1/09 3c 51yr rsct
Folfx 3/09
1 l nd 9/09 Flfri Avstn
PET clr 6/10
Folfri Avstn 7/10
ND 10/10
1/11 lng mets Flfri Avastn
ND 2/12
9/12 Flfri Avastn
10/12 grwth lng mts Erbtx Avstn Irintcn
1/13 stabl
9/13 grwth
8/16/14 passed into eternal peace

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Kathleen808
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Kathleen808 » Sun Jun 21, 2015 10:02 pm

Who would know that Father's Day would be the hardest holiday without Dick. It has knocked me off my feet and I've been in tears for 2 days. I just can't bear that our precious girls lost their daddy. It is not right and it is devastating. I know I will pick myself up tomorrow and we will go on. (Neither girl has seen my a mess. One is in CA with my family and I did some special things with the other one today.)

Kathleen
Kathleen
DH 1/09 3c 51yr rsct
Folfx 3/09
1 l nd 9/09 Flfri Avstn
PET clr 6/10
Folfri Avstn 7/10
ND 10/10
1/11 lng mets Flfri Avastn
ND 2/12
9/12 Flfri Avastn
10/12 grwth lng mts Erbtx Avstn Irintcn
1/13 stabl
9/13 grwth
8/16/14 passed into eternal peace

WifeOfMike
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby WifeOfMike » Mon Jun 22, 2015 12:07 am

I'm right there with you Kathleen.
Double whammy- lost my daddy 4 years ago, and now my Mike- daddy to our 3 sons.
Two Fathers I cannot be with, was a little over the top for me today
***BIG Sigh***

Image
Bad Ass WIFE
Hubs: CRC IVA,T3, N0, M1A
Resect/LN Mets 10/12
Folfox4/Avastin 11/12-5/13
Folfiri/Erbitux 6/13-10/13
Stivarga 12/13-4/14
Trial 4/14-/14
Trial 8/14-11/14
HOME Hospice 11/17/14
Guardian Angel 1/1/15
Cost of HOPE? PRICELESS

WifeOfMike
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby WifeOfMike » Sat Jul 18, 2015 8:36 pm

Hey buddies,

I'm checking in to see how everyone is doing. I HOPE everyone is finding SOME joy in most days. I personally can have a great day, then WHAM.... a song, smell, thought, or something equally tiny, slams me into a wall. The empty house is my biggest down fall, but hope to have that remedy around the corner. I am clinging to that hope with all fingernails.

I have been waiting since mid May for my mom's house to close. It is Finally ending (although has been such a strain on both of us for far longer than it should have been) :evil:We have high hopes that we will be trundling her to my home by the end of next week. We get along like frick & frack, and are both so very tired of living by ourselves. I had moved my youngest son & his girlfriend out, two months ago in prep, and have her room redone with new carpets, drapes & ceiling fan. The two youngsters had left quite a mess in their room :twisted: :cry: :cry: & although it was newly done 4 years ago- had to start over for mom.

Our family business is turning a corner too. We have been blessed by the majority of our 39 years of happy customers, as well as a lot of new faces continuing to patronize our humble store. It is a huge relief to keep my dear hubby's legacy alive & my only wish is that he could have lived to see our dreams come true. I have a hard time not being out right angry/ livid that we all got gypped out of our dreams for a future together- passing the torch to our 3 sons, retirement, enjoying our refurbished home together. I am clinging tightly to at least being able to see my mom in a happier family atmosphere. I had been so focused on Mike, that now that I am faced with living alone- it is riveted in my head big time, thinking about what my mom had been facing these past 4 years since pop passed away.

I spent last evening playing BUNKO (a dice game) with 15 other ladies, of various ages. I have not done anything like that in YEARS (like 30 to be exact). I was so grateful for not having to spend yet one more Friday night watching yet another movie on TV, that I have seen a fistful of times. I also went to a karaoke bar, with two girlfriends (NO I did NOT sing). I would have to be really, REALLY drunk to do that, and that too is not something I have done for 30 years. Guess you would say I am either rusty, boring, or domesticated. :wink: My pooches, although lovely companions & always happy to see me, are sorely lacking in the communication department, LOL. It is a good thing mom is a yacker- like me :lol: :lol:

Enough about ME.... what are all of YOU up to?
Love & hugs,
Vicki
Bad Ass WIFE
Hubs: CRC IVA,T3, N0, M1A
Resect/LN Mets 10/12
Folfox4/Avastin 11/12-5/13
Folfiri/Erbitux 6/13-10/13
Stivarga 12/13-4/14
Trial 4/14-/14
Trial 8/14-11/14
HOME Hospice 11/17/14
Guardian Angel 1/1/15
Cost of HOPE? PRICELESS

Val*pal
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Val*pal » Sat Jul 18, 2015 10:44 pm

Vicki, I'm so glad that your mom will be moving in with you soon. I know that will make the house feel a whole lot less empty. I moved my mom in with me after my divorce from my first husband and never regretted it. We were like two peas in a pod so it was good for both of us. At the time, my mom was about 83 and she stayed with me until her last six months when she was 89. She passed away after a short illness.

I had a hard time with the first anniversary of Danny's death on 6/20. The weeks leading up to it were filled with all of the memories from the previous year and centered on his decline. However, now that it is past, I feel better. I still miss him (and always will), but at least I don't have that continual loop playing in my head of what he was like a year ago.

I'm spending the summer getting some house projects completed. After Danny's diagnosis, we let a lot of things slide, so I am trying to make up for that. Among my accomplishments: 1. I totally cleaned up the backyard, had a tree remover come in and take down one tree and some very old, overgrown shrubs; it now looks tons better. 2. My son and I removed all the front shutters from our two story house, repainted them, and put them back up. 3. I slowly but surely cut back shrubs in the front of the house so that they are manageable again. They look a bit scalped, but I know they'll look good next year. 4. I also spent time doing some flower gardening. 5. I bought and assembled a new bookcase for the family room and love how it looks. I am also in the process of assembling a large mobile kitchen cart for use when I am cooking/baking large holiday meals. Next on the list is to paint my family room and refloor with hard wood. My teen grandkids will give me a hand with the painting. I insist on doing all the weekly mowing and trimming of my yard since I enjoy it and like the exercise.

This has been the first summer I have not worked in 17 years. I lost my full-time job working for a family service agency a few months after Danny died, and decided not to look for more work for a while. I'm getting by on savings, unemployment, and Danny's Social Security Survivor benefits. I kept my part-time evening teaching position (8 hours per week), but I'm off from that for the summer. I would like to find an additional part-time position in the fall and have started updating my resume, etc.

My one son lives with me so I am not totally alone, but of course he is busy with his own work, interests, etc. My daughter and grandkids live about 20 mins away so I see them a lot. My youngest, a son, lives in San Francisco so I usually only see him during the Christmas holidays and sometimes I go visit him.

I do get lonely sometimes, but I have no interest in dating. Two marriages are enough for one lifetime! I make an effort to see my girlfriends as often as possible. A neighbor down the street and I have become very good friends, and we help each other out. I am content with things as they are. I do think I need to build more "fun" into my life, but right now I am concentrating on getting the house back in shape.

I hope everyone else is doing well. There's no doubt in my mind that caregivers go through a post traumatic stress disorder after watching someone they love very much die. I find myself anxious at times for no reason, and I sometimes feel like I will become terminally ill though I have no reason for concern.
DH dx'ed May '11, age 62
Jul '11: resection Stage IV
10/11: 6 mo Folfox
8/12:thyr canc, surg/tx
2/13: peri mets
2/13: Firi/Avas
6/13: Ok
8/13: break
10/13: Lung, peri, mets
10/13: Firi/Erb
1/14: Erb Fail; spread
5/14: Tx stopped
6/20/14: At rest

SMR
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby SMR » Sun Jul 19, 2015 6:51 am

It has been so long since I've visited this forum, but after catching up a bit on this thread, I can say that I plan to come back more often. The conversation is so so so.... Well, just feels like tearing a page out of my own book.
I go back and forth between not having any desire to ever date, and being lonely and craving companionship. My social worker told me that often people who had incredible relationships will end up in another incredible relationship. I "get" that concept because how could you accept anything less once you've had it, BUT I can't fathom anything else ever measuring up. Mostly I don't foresee ever dating or marrying again. I miss DH so badly, and like many of you have said, time isn't making it go away. One day I was in a really bad emotional place and signed up for a dating site. I found just exactly what I anticipated....
Everyone in my age range is either divorced with kids, or looking to start a family. I am too old to just start dating someone who expects to start a family. I have come to understand that it is just one of the things Cancer has taken. I am too emotionally vulnerable to date a man who already has children. I cared for my DH kids as if they were my own for many many years... And was 100% abandoned by them after his death. Not even a thank you note for gifts. I just can not make myself so vulnerable again. Their abandonment has made DH's passing exponentially harder and I just can't do it. SO if I want to date I think I'll need to wait 10-15 years to start. That way most men won't be looking to start families, and those with children may at least have adult children......
Anyway enough of my complaining. I was so uplifted to see the familiar names posting, and sharing in your stories is a gift!
DH DX 10/11 st IV unkown prmry
FFOX 12/11
HIPEC 3/12
FFOX 5/12
7/12 FFIRI
12/12 xeloda
1/13 resection
2/13 FFIRI
4/13 5FU/Avastin
9/13 recurrence, failed surgery
Abdominal fistula
11/13 gemzar, heart attack
12/13 Carbo
2/14 Radiation
3/28/2014 passed

Laurettas
Posts: 1606
Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:49 pm

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Laurettas » Mon Jul 20, 2015 7:50 am

I feel like I could have written most of the last several posts. It has been two and a half years for me and am still going through so many adjustments. I am also at the point of trying to figure out what path moving forward is going to be--solo or in tandem. I am so torn with that one. Part of me would like to find someone but then there is the fear of putting myself out there for the first time since I was 16--terrifying thought!--and then I wonder if anyone would "fit" in my life. I'm thinking that I won't go actively looking but if someone falls out of the sky........ Really, really did not want to be dealing with this as I turn 60! Maybe 80 but not 60!
DH 58 4/11 st 4 SRC CC
Lymph, peri, lung
4/11 colon res
5-10/11 FLFX, Av, FLFRI, Erb
11/11 5FU Erb
1/12 PET 2.4 Max act.
1/12 Erb
5/12 CT ext. new mets
5/12 Xlri
7/12 bad CT
8/12 5FU solo
8/12 brain met
9/12 stop tx
11/4/12 finished race,at peace


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