NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[exaussie]

Val and Vicki both are true. I think the difference is that a child is literally a part of you. But on the other hand I have my husband here to help me get through it all. Death is not easy no matter the circumstance.

[Val*pal]

Vicki, you're right. Losing any loved one at a young age is against the nature of things. There's really no way to "rate" grief, that's for sure.

When my mom passed away at age 89, I was able to get through the grieving process well, partly because I felt she'd had a long life. Not that it was easy because she was one of the best people in my life, but I now realize that I didn't have to deal with the extra emotions of feeling like she was cheated, something I do feel with Danny's passing. Though Danny was 65 when he died, I feel his death was much too early, especially given the fact his dad lived to 92 and his mom is still doing well at 86. Danny wasn't able to really embrace his retirement due to his illness, and that makes me feel bad. He'd worked hard for so many years. . .

I also think that grieving for a loved one who has passed from colon cancer (or other terminal illness) makes it especially difficult since you have to also deal with the trauma of having had to witness it all. Even the treatments were traumatic since the side effects were sometimes very difficult.

As I said in a previous post, I'm having a difficult time right now because I keep remembering what happened a year ago as Danny's condition suddenly and undeniably worsened. It's like a double whammy. I grieve because I miss him, I grieve because he didn't have a long life, and I grieve because he had to experience what he experienced.

I remember taking him out to a sunny courtyard last April at the Cancer Center as we waited for his infusion to be readied. He was in a wheelchair and kept dozing, but he insisted on staying in the warm sunlight. I remember having to stay upbeat even though my heart was breaking as I watched him literally slipping away. We were surrounded by baskets of pansies, and I knew these were the last he'd experience. I think that that need to stay strong takes a great toll.

[vickitwo]

Val,
You mirror many of my feelings. I am so sad for all of the broken dreams of the two of us growing old together...loving and supporting each other. I ache for my children losing their father at such young ages. As young adults trying to find their way in this world, they could sure use their father's guidance and wisdom. My husband would be so thrilled to have our oldest daughter living back at home with us while she applies to medical school. He was an MD and that would have been so special for the two of them. He was so excited when our children were born and loved being a Dad. I grieve for the joy that our future grandchildren would have brought him and of me being able to witness that joy and to share in it with him. I grieve for our only son who is now the only male in a family of five females. He adored his father and is not close to any other adult male. He needed that influence and love that only his father could give. I as well have flashbacks of the last weeks and days of my husband's life. Some of the memories are heartwrenching. Even so, there are many silverlinings that I am thankful for. It is funny the things you think about. The first night that my husband slept in the recliner downstairs because he was short of breath and could no longer climb the stairs to our bedroom, I remember thinking that he would never again sleep in our bed. After he died, I remember seeing his Sperry shoes in the closet with his worn socks tucked inside. He had worn those socks and had probably planned to wear them again but it would never be. They remain in the same place that he left them. The flash backs and racing thoughts often occur at night . I grieve for all of the people on this forum who I have followed and cared about during these past three years. It is difficult to wrap my head around it all. CANCER SURE DOES SUCK !

[Willobie]

Last week my stepson wrote to say he's leaving his current job for a new one and that he will be moving. Yesterday my grandson provided a link to the law firm he's joining, his first professional job since earning his law degree. My first thought was to tell Joe...but of course he's not here any longer. It's heart wrenching when these thoughts come up and they come up fairly frequently.

I recently attended a grief support group offered by hospice and I think I'll attend more frequently. As several of you have mentioned, the memories of his last days and weeks are still so present and so sad. We had 40 years of good times and the only thing that comes to mind readily and repeatedly are those last days and weeks.

I was trying to figure out what makes the support group helpful to me and certainly shared experiences is a good part of it. I think, at least for me, also hearing that it takes time (as I also read from this thread), hearing about different coping suggestions especially for those anniversary days, but mostly because we are accepting of the ongoing grief and we don't suggest "fixing" it. That's what I get from family and bless them for caring and wanting to "fix" things but this grief process is not fixable. They want me to take a break, get away from the house, visit them or sit by the seaside or go to a concert, to a film, all terrific suggestions intended to take me away from the intense grief. I can't do it, don't want to do it. Since I'm retired I don't actually NEED to go anywhere and have to caution I don't stay in bed all morning.

I have trouble concentrating. I start on a project, walk to another room to get something and get sidetracked by whatever needs doing in that room, forget what it was I started on until I leave that room and then remember and realize I've not achieved anything in the last hour.

Speaking of concerts, a choral group we used to sing with is performing the Verdi "Requiem" this spring. It's a choral work I love and that we both sang 15 years ago. Normally, I'd love to hear it again (would actually prefer to be in the choir singing it) but it's a requiem and I don't think I'll be able to hold it together if I attend. In fact, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to as I cry even thinking about it.

So I muddle along and think about how I'll deal with getting the lawn mowed, the truck fixed, furniture sold and/or moved, all the while wishing Joe could enjoy the warmer weather with me or that we could take a walk together. I am glad that February is behind me, both because it was so cold but also because Valentine's Day was also Joe's birthday and I couldn't celebrate either.

I guess I am making some progress dealing with this grief. I can now say Joe's name without crying each time. I can deal with his clothing and shoes, packing them for disposal. I can assess what steps I need to take if I plan to move. But as we move on I wish I could share these life events with Joe. And I wish I could remember the good times more often than the bad.
tc

[exaussie]

I get the family trying to fix grief.. I do not want to go shopping, go to the beach or site seeing with anyone. I do not want to be away from home. My problem is I need to go see my parents, my mother has dementia. They live in Australia and the thought of going gives me panic attacks. Me and one of my daughters are suffering from anxiety and panic attacks in crowds, so the thought of being on an airplane for 18 hours is overwhelming. I am going through the motions but after 6 months the numbness has worn off and real grief has set in. I though I was ok for a few weeks but no it is worse now than before. Maybe being a caretaker it takes so much out of you while loved ones are alive between drs, treatments keeping the house and family together that when it goes away it takes a while to get down to the real stuff.
My husband and I are far worse than a couple months ago.

[canadiandaughter]

This isn't my thread, so sorry for intruding, but wanted to share something my sister inlaw told me. She lost her husband to brain cancer after a 7 year battle when he was 53. She told me that the 2nd year was the hardest for her. I felt horrible because I made a point of checking in with her every other night, having her over lots, popping in for a visit now and then that first year as we were worried about her then. She seemed so strong and in our minds we thought maybe she was that strong after having the 7 years to mentally prepare for it. Obviously we had no clue having never dealt with the death of a very close loved one. I wish that I had known, we would have been there for her. Please share your feelings with those close to you so that they know what to do to help you. Being on the outside a person feels so helpless, we don't know what to do to help you get through the day. Hugs to all of you and I hope that you can all find the strength to take this one day at a time.

[Nik Colon]

This isn't my thread, so sorry for intruding, but wanted to share something my sister inlaw told me. She lost her husband to brain cancer after a 7 year battle when he was 53. She told me that the 2nd year was the hardest for her. I felt horrible because I made a point of checking in with her every other night, having her over lots, popping in for a visit now and then that first year as we were worried about her then. She seemed so strong and in our minds we thought maybe she was that strong after having the 7 years to mentally prepare for it. Obviously we had no clue having never dealt with the death of a very close loved one. I wish that I had known, we would have been there for her. Please share your feelings with those close to you so that they know what to do to help you. Being on the outside a person feels so helpless, we don't know what to do to help you get through the day. Hugs to all of you and I hope that you can all find the strength to take this one day at a time.

I just wanted to reply since you mentioned 2 yrs. I understand that. When my best friend died who was like my sister who I grew up with since 5 I went through different emotional stages. Like the disbelief, unemotional, angry, sad, finally toward the end of the second yr was getting to the acceptance then my bro died and it started all over but now had both. It's been a little over 2 yrs since my bro and am getting by, but I still have bad days, it never goes away. Now this with me, I am more concerned with my family especially my parents cuz they just lost their son 2 yrs ago to suicide, and my friend died at their house from accidental od 4 yrs ago. Now of course the thought of possibly losing me. Sorry, so long and they did not die of cancer, but just about losing people I wanted to add I understand, not as a mother although I do have a daughter, I understand loss of those close to you.

[sosad]

Val and Vicki, I am having the same exact feelings. The memories of the worst moments come screaming back, usually as soon as I calose my eyes when I'm trying to go to sleep. I try to talk myself down from it, only to notice the empty space in my bed. I have started taking Ativan every night before bed. I used to take it only when I was feeling really stressed and upset. I need to sleep because I still work full time. My job has been so understanding of all my time off last year so I can't really miss much more time. This Saturday will be my husband's first birthday in heaven. Since it is also Super Pi Day, 3.14.15, we will have pie in his memory, launch some Chinese lanterns with private messages and later celebrate dinner with some close friends who are sweet enough to remember and want to celebrate with me.

Grief is a process, no going around it, just going through it. It keeps me going when I repeat that to myself.
Linda

[WifeOfMike]

Val*pal »
I'm glad to see that everyone is doing fairly well. I know we all handle our grief differently, so it's interesting to peek into the progress of others.

I had a particularly hard day today. I found myself tearing up a lot just thinking of Danny. Perhaps it's because it was bout a year ago that his health began its steep and uninterrupted decline. I remember late winter days like today a year ago spent frantically trying to find some more help for him. Sigh. Though when his end came, it was easy on him, I keep thinking back to that last day/evening. It was tortuous for me. I know I probably need to share why that day was so hard on me with someone, but I can't bring myself to speak of it.

Generally, however, I do okay. I know that life goes on and so must we, but I hate facing some of the sad memories.

Vicki, you're right. Losing any loved one at a young age is against the nature of things. There's really no way to "rate" grief, that's for sure.

When my mom passed away at age 89, I was able to get through the grieving process well, partly because I felt she'd had a long life. Not that it was easy because she was one of the best people in my life, but I now realize that I didn't have to deal with the extra emotions of feeling like she was cheated, something I do feel with Danny's passing. Though Danny was 65 when he died, I feel his death was much too early, especially given the fact his dad lived to 92 and his mom is still doing well at 86. Danny wasn't able to really embrace his retirement due to his illness, and that makes me feel bad. He'd worked hard for so many years. . .

I also think that grieving for a loved one who has passed from colon cancer (or other terminal illness) makes it especially difficult since you have to also deal with the trauma of having had to witness it all. Even the treatments were traumatic since the side effects were sometimes very difficult.

As I said in a previous post, I'm having a difficult time right now because I keep remembering what happened a year ago as Danny's condition suddenly and undeniably worsened. It's like a double whammy. I grieve because I miss him, I grieve because he didn't have a long life, and I grieve because he had to experience what he experienced.

I remember taking him out to a sunny courtyard last April at the Cancer Center as we waited for his infusion to be readied. He was in a wheelchair and kept dozing, but he insisted on staying in the warm sunlight. I remember having to stay upbeat even though my heart was breaking as I watched him literally slipping away. We were surrounded by baskets of pansies, and I knew these were the last he'd experience. I think that that need to stay strong takes a great toll.

WOW Val,

I just read the last two posts and you might as well have been inside my head and been living my life the last couple of days, in particular. I still cannot speak of the last days and what we both went through. It is much too painful. I too, worked my ass off almost going insane trying to fight an uphill battle the last year of my Mike's life. I will never know the toll it took out of me. ME was the last thing on my mind- helping him, saving him, keeping him as healthy and happy and pain free was about the only things on my mind. Now all I can think about in the quite of the night, or in odd moments is the coulda, woulda, shoulda thoughts.

I am thankful of being buried at work, trying to decipher the coin collection (and most difficult/ tricky to learn and the least experience/ training my sons & I have). At the same time, it hits me and my sons at different junctures, when it would be so easy to just turn around and ask my sweet man (their POP), and it leaves us really missing him so very much.

I had the boys over a couple of nights ago for dinner & decided it was "Time" to sort through hubby's personal clothing. I was pleased that all 3 sons took turns taking jeans, T-shirts, Hawaiian shirts (hubs favs for work), his jackets, and snowboarding gear. As they made their way through hubby's closets and drawers and took turns choosing, we told sweet stories of dad, to lighten the mood. It touched me to the core, as they made piles of their choices and carefully took the home. The following day all of them wore some of dad's duds to work. I could see it made them feel he was close by somehow, a little protected, a little closer to the memories they are clinging so tightly to. They are so seriously diving into our business, taking very seriously the "legacy" of continuing their dad's business in his honor.

They all have specific request for shirts to also be made into pillows. I found the directions (and posted them on Facebook), if anyone is interested. I have a selection of Hawaiian shirts I am going to be making patio pillows, so a part of Mike is always all around us.

I gave my hubby's 1965 Ford Fairlane Rangoon Red Classic car to my oldest son, bought a better fishing boat for my youngest (he has spent the better part of this past year on this boat & the memories are bittersweet & special), and now thinking of something to do significant for my middle son- all from me and daddy. That and gifting money to Mike's Colon Cancer Research fund, is how I am personally paying tribute to Colon Cancer month. Healing and curing- a good combo.

Still no light at the end of the tunnel for the Celebration of Life Ceremony. As bad luck would have ot my best friend (and helper) has been sick with strep throat 3+ weeks. So postponing once again, and not rethinking about a date until she is back on her feet and able to dive into yet another project.

There is NO fixing grief, no shortcut, no postponement, no remedy. It IS, what it IS. HARD.
I am feeling very lonely & blue, and all of you are on my mind & in my heart
BIG HUG,
Vicki

[bitchslapped]

Anymore, I just don't know how or what to say. I identify w/so very many thoughts expressed here on this thread. Canadiandaughter, you sound so sweet & caring. Your snl was lucky to have you to lean on. I think everyone has captured the essence of grief here in their postings. Unfortunately the only cure for grief is to grieve. When one is grieving they don't know what to ask of others to help. It is a process, it is reflection, healing done mostly from within, but I would say a listening ear, compassion are always helpful. Just acknowledging, respecting that someone's life has been altered & showing patience in that there is not a specific timeline to get through it.
This time around for me, and now it is about me - for my DSS, it was like a runaway train & nothing was going to slow it down or stop it. There are no words to express these last 7 months for me. I knew how it was going to play out. And for him? Would I wish him another day, another hour, another minute like that? The answer is a resounding no. For this moment I rely on prose:

“And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Best to all of You
Bitchslapped

[Patience]

Hello Friends. I've caught up on the past few pages of posts, and see so much of myself in your posts about your own experiences. It strikes as so true the remembrances of the bad last few days of our loved ones, and the experiences that cannot be expressed to others. My heart goes out to all of you.

So elusive is the wanting of "emotionally healing" .... what is that? What does it look like? Is it really possible?

A friend recently told me a good analogy about grief. She said it is like a terrible serious sunburn. When the injured is wearing clothes, others cannot see the damage. A pat on the back that would be "nothing" to someone else is a horrible pain to the injured person. The person giving the pat has no way of knowing the sensitivity going on under the clothes, because to them, the injury is hidden. But to the sunburned person, the pain is intense. Grief is like that. To others, you can look fine. But under the exterior that others see, the person in grief is far from fine.

I, like all of you, spent so much time in the past "wishing" for things that were unattainable. For health for my husband, for recovery for the loved ones of those in this thread. I'm not done wishing (....for something that I know is not going to happen), but if it was possible, I wish we were all able to gather together for a group hug of support for each other, a gentle day of talk, a glorious sunset to share.

[Nik Colon]

BS, something you said made me think about what my mom said after her mothers passing (she had breast cancer but had a mastectomy and lived a happy life after and died in her sleep)

You said "Would I wish him another day, another hour, another minute like that? The answer is a resounding no."

The one thing my mom has said that..."If I knew I could have my mom back for 10 more years but she would be suffering or in pain, I would not want the 10 more years"
Not exact words but the point remains the same.

[Patience]

Today I was curled up on my couch watching mind-numbing TV, in what has become an all-to-common activity, when it suddenly dawned on me that there was no longer someone who would ask me "what's wrong?". My usual old-self was usually doing something around the house, and always giving a hello or response when someone else was around. But if I was in a sad mood, and overly quiet, my husband would always recognize it and ask me "what's wrong?". Now I realize that I've been overly quiet for months and months since his death, and I'll never hear his caring words again. This is just so hard, I know for all of us.

[bitchslapped]

I think we have a connection here, Ritz, because when you expressed concern for your parents re: your dx, it reminded me on the way home in the car after my mother's cancer dx, she expressed her concern for me.

bs

[Nik Colon]

I think we have a connection here, Ritz, because when you expressed concern for your parents re: your dx, it reminded me on the way home in the car after my mother's cancer dx, she expressed her concern for me.

bs

As a parent, we always think of our children first. Whether it's us with the problem or them, we want to make sure they are going to be ok. Also as the person dx we want to make sure others are ok since it will be them living with it when/if we are gone