NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[vickitwo]

MY DH has been gone for a year as of January 4th. Still miss him every day. Although, it is only temporary, for another year or so my oldest daughter (23) is living with me while she applies to medical school. It is so great having her here with me and I dread the day she leaves. Hard to imagine living alone without my best friend for another potential 30 years or so given the long lives of my parents. I feel like like I am still stuck with my head in the sand. I do what absolutely needs to be done but have not move forward to sell my house or anything like that. I dread going thru all of our stuff and getting things ready to put the house on the market. Had always thought when the kids left home, Dennis and I would do that together. I need some meaning in my life. Maybe a job but I have been a stay at home mom for almost 20 years. I don't have a clue what I could do or would want to do. I was once a nurse but am no longer licensed and would not want to do that anyway. I am 57 years old. What do I do now? I have been volunteering at the elementary school once a week as a reading buddy to a first grader. Today, I agreed to take on another child. I do enjoy that. I sing in our church choir and love that also. I have looked into some social meet up groups but those that sound interesting are an hour away. ( I live in a small town) I don't like the idea of going out alone especially at night an hour away. I don't have any single friends.

On another note, My daughter and I recently took a road trip to visit my mother in Louisiana, where I grew up (12+ hrs away). She turned 90. While there, I visited a friend of mine that owns a jewelry shop. I had continued to wear my engagement ring which was a diamond solitaire on a high setting and my wedding band since the death of my husband. I told her that I wanted to continue to wear the diamond but on my right hand and I did not want for it to look like an engagement ring. We decided to mount the diamond from my engagement ring in a bezel (sp?) ...more of a flat setting and mount it onto my plain gold wedding band. So the two rings have been combined into one. It is more of an understated ring and I love it. I love that I can continue to wear the diamond and band in honor of my dear husband. I did not want for it to just sit in a jewelry box. One thing I found interesting is that when I went into the jewelry store to decide on what to do about my ring, the song "Losing My Religion" by REM was playing on the radio when we first arrived. That was always a favorite of Dennis'. My daughter told me that once when she was riding in her car thinking about her Dad...was he still with her in spirit, that song came on the radio that very minute. Interesting indeed.

[SMR]

Vicki-
I'm so happy that you are able to have your daughter with you during this time. I'm going on 11 months since losing my DH and it hasn't gotten easy... I'm quite sure it never will. I've packed up and moved more out of neccesity than desire. While I'm about 20 years your junior, I still know that feeling of not wanting to start over, not knowing what to do with myself, needing to do something, but having no idea what is next. DH and I ran a business together for almost 13 years. Every job I look at I feel u qualified for or too far out from school days to apply for. I worked in my old job up until the end of 2014 so I'm giving myself until after the one year mark to start Focusing on a new career of some sort.
And as for your story about REM... I love it. I don't think I can count the member of times over the last 11 months that our wedding song has played just when I needed my DH badly. It is especially interesting that at least two of the times were on radio stations that do NOT play that genre of music.
Anyhow, thanks for posting. I miss my friends here. Out of curiosity would you tell me more about how and when you started thinking about changing your rings?

[vickitwo]

SMR,

I had decided early on that I wanted to wear my engagement and wedding rings for at least a year. I have never been much of a jewelry person except for a watch and small earrings. When Dennis and I became engaged, even though I told him that a plain gold wedding band is all that I wanted, he insisted on buying me a diamond ring. Aside from buying me a watch once, my engagement and wedding rings were the only jewelry he ever bought me.(not complaining). I wore those rings for 26 years. He bought that diamond as a symbol of his love for me. I did not want to continue to wear those rings on my left hand forever, I am no longer married and have to look to the future. On the other hand, I still love my husband dearly. I did not want to just throw my diamond that he gave me in a box. I wanted to wear the diamond on my right hand but not make it look so much like an engagement ring. My jeweler friend and I decided to take the diamond from my engagement ring and mount it in a bezel (sp?) setting on my plain gold wedding band. My diamond is still pretty but it is more of a flat setting and more of an understated ring then my engagement ring was. Does not catch on thing like the high setting did. Anyway, I love it ! Being a widow had been lonely. I can only imagine what it will be like when my daughter moves away. I guess that I would be opened to dating but there is some ambivalence there. It all sounds so scary. What I really want is my dear Dennis back. The person who knew me so well and still loved me inspite of myself. The husband that loved our five children just as much as I do. The person that I knew so well. The person that shared 27 years of my life with me. So much history.

Someone posted a quote on the web site Daily Strength-Widows and Widower's Support Group. The person stated that she had seen it on Pinterest. It said : "I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. And then I realized....you spent the rest of your life with me. I smile because I know you loved me till the day you went away and will keep loving me till the day we're together again.

[Helen]

Been awhile since I posted, yet I still find myself here daily. I am not doing very well… I feel as if not only did I loose my darling Pam but somewhere along the way I have forgotten how to live. I started attending a grief support group that is a closed group, only people who lost their wives husbands partners it is also age specific. It meets every other week for 36 sessions and I have been to 2 thus far. I spent the first year after my beloveds death running basically anywhere, even moved briefly before returning to our home. I am just about out of funds and really need to find a job so far I have had zero luck. I am walking most days and usually do 2 miles yet nothing helps with the emptiness I feel without my Pam. I put on a pretty good front to the world at large and most do not have any idea just how despondent I am. I am behind on my physical and need to go and have that done, yet I am afraid to do so. Im getting awfully tired of pretending that I am ok. I apologize for my whining but this is the only place I feel as if I can.

Peace and Love

~Helen

[Nik Colon]

So sorry Helen. You have every right to feel the way you do. The pain will never go away but it will be easier to deal with in time. And don't ever let anyone tell you how long you should grieve, those who say that do not understand. (((Hugs)))

[SMR]

Helen,
As you always have, you warm my heart. I feel so very much for you. I am coming up on the one year mark next month and it is just so very hard to believe. I too know that people think I am doing much better than I am. I've been running around like crazy... I've even packed up and moved. I've started taking dance classes and going to the gym... I've got something g going almost daily. I know I need to find a new job but I don't k ow what or where that will be. So much of my world was all tied I to OUR lives together...... Anyway just know you are not alone.

[sosad]

Hello, this is my first post on this site. I have been a member on the Cancer Survivor Network for a few years.
My husband passed away 11/2/14 from metastatic colon cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes. I am so sad to keep reading about new people being diagnosed and others passing away. I wanted to join a group in the same frame of mind as me. I also go to a bereavement group that meets each week. All of us were widows until a man joined our group a few weeks ago. It's so nice to talk to people in the same situation I am in. I hope to find that here too. I am sick of talking about cancer, I need to focus on the future. I am 53, my husband was 61. His two daughters from his first marriage lived with us and we raised them. We were married just short of 30 years. This has been the most difficult thing I've ever done, being a widow. Even now sometimes I still can't believe this has happened to us. I do feel like I am doing better, but I am on two types of anti-depressants and feel they have helped me the past few weeks especially.

I look forward to reading and sharing information with all of you.
Linda

[WifeOfMike]

Hey everyone,

Helen, I am sorry you are having a difficult time without Pam. You are not whining- you are grieving the love of your life. BIG Difference darlin, at least it is here with US. There are however folk out in the world who have zero idea what we are going through- if they themselves have never lost a loved one to death, much less a terminal disease. I have lost loved ones quickly, and Mike over a two year period. All were difficult to handle in their own ways, all leave me wanting more time with each & everyone of them. Mike I think was harder, because he was my soul mate of 34 years. I do not show it outwardly either. No one out "there" knows how hard it has been to cope.

Welcome Linda, I am sorry you are here with us, but also glad you have joined us. I have gained comfort here among others who have lost their loved one and understand what I am going through. Enduring Cancer has a caregiver stretches our emotions to the brink, and just when we thought we might break & have had all the heartache we can bear- it slams us onto the rocks and we are alone.

I hear you ladies loud and clear. It has not been a full two months, and I stay busy in the daytime, so missing Mike does not consume me. Sometimes I do not know whether that is a good or bad thing. I am thankful we owned the store, so looking for a new job is not an option for me. Paperwork that I am not used to doing IS stressful & I sometimes feel like a fish out of water. We are trying to wade through his collectible coins an inch at a time, so as not to make a mistake in evaluating & to not tip us over the edge. We are learning new tricks every single day, and I am proud of my sons for their efforts. I can see the stress lifting from their shoulders, now that mom is usually back at the store leading the way.

I find myself taking the coastal route from our shop to home at the end of the day- following the route Mike took. He found it a peaceful way to unwind and found comfort in the ocean. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel at peace on the drive- usually as the sun is setting, with pink clouds amid the blue sky overhead. It makes me think of him, every single time, & It has become somewhat of a ritual for me. It is at night, when it is quiet, and the kids are off in their separate spaces that the emptiness hits. I find the two pooches downstairs, and kitty Otis in my bedroom that are a comfort. I cannot imagine coming home to total emptiness. I have my sons over to dinner often, which breaks up the night for all of us & brings us together in a family atmosphere. I am lucky they live 10- 15 minutes away.

Since we own a vintage jewelry store, I can help with showing what I think Vicki did, by remounting her diamond in a "bezel" setting on top of a plain band (depends of course how wide (thick) the band was and how big the diamond was)



This is what a typical single diamond simple solitaire setting looks like in comparison, set in a "head"- which can be attached low, medium or high (height)



a BIG HUG to all of you tonight, from ME
Vicki (too)

[sosad]

Those are both beautiful rings. I have considered having my diamond remounted. It has already been done once so I'm not too sentimental about the setting I have now. I like the white gold or platinum with the bezel setting too. I would like to do something with both our wedding bands, not sure what yet.
Thank you for the welcome

Linda

[vickitwo]

Vicki,

The picture that you posted of the diamond in the bezel setting is exactly like mine except that my band is thinner. My bezel setting is white gold and the band is gold. Thanks for posting it .

[Mojo]

Just saying hello to you all. It's been 3 years and little over 3 months now since kenny passed on. I'm doing ok, working way too many hours at the hospital, but it's so busy. I'm 61 now and I'm just now starting to think of my health. I put on weight too much weight and I need to take it off. Easier said than done. But I've started to think about my future, retiring and what will I do. I'm sure I'm going to volunteer somewhere when I retire I have worked my whole life and I don't know what it is to stay home. I have found out that you can't do everything for everybody. Sometimes you got to put yourself first even if it's just resting at home of an evening because you're so tired.my mother tries to guilt me into taking her a lot of places and I do like taking her places but I can't do the amount she wants me to do. Sometimes I feel guilty for that but I have to have some peace in my life too.I guess you just have to come to the realization that you are important, you're here for a reason I can't figure out what I'm here for, but I guess God will let me know on his own time. Grieving is very hard business, and for me I would go for a long time and do well and then get knocked down by grief. But I always got back up and I think that's how we do it , we got to get back up. I think you're all doing as well as you can and you're still trying and that's the main thing, you're still trying! My mother actually asked me why I was still grieving why wasn't I over that, I told her grief has no time limits everyone is different. Sending big hugs to everyone! Sharon

[Val*pal]

I'm glad to see that everyone is doing fairly well. I know we all handle our grief differently, so it's interesting to peek into the progress of others.

I had a particularly hard day today. I found myself tearing up a lot just thinking of Danny. Perhaps it's because it was bout a year ago that his health began its steep and uninterrupted decline. I remember late winter days like today a year ago spent frantically trying to find some more help for him. Sigh. Though when his end came, it was easy on him, I keep thinking back to that last day/evening. It was tortuous for me. I know I probably need to share why that day was so hard on me with someone, but I can't bring myself to speak of it.

Generally, however, I do okay. I know that life goes on and so must we, but I hate facing some of the sad memories.

[exaussie]

Been 6 months since my son left us. I am suddenly having anxiety attacks. Back on Lorazepam, my husband and I agree that we are worse off now than before. Maybe because we can't just ignore the fact anymore of him being gone forever. I was walking yesterday listening to Pandora and this song went on...one of my son's and my favorites. Of course I cried... ugh


Simple Man

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Baby, be a simple kind of man.
Oh won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

Boy, don't you worry.
You'll find yourself.
Follow your heart,
And nothing else.
You can do this,
If you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

Baby, be a simple, be a simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby, be a simple kind of man

[Val*pal]

Ex-aussie, sorry to hear that you and your husband are having a harder time six months out. I suspect that happens a lot since it does take time for reality to sink in. I know it does with me. I've always been good in emergencies since I can block out the typical firsthand reactions very well, but eventually those emotions have to be dealt with.

I can't imagine what it's like losing a child. I miss my husband a great deal, but I know that losing a child would be worse since it's not in the natural order of things. I have three adult children and don't even want to imagine what it would be like.

I do try to keep in mind that life is rarely easy. Though most of us are brought up to believe that only good things should happen and that sadness is somehow failure, I've come to realize that severe loss is part of the human condition. It shouldn't be feared or thwarted. We may not welcome the kind of lessons it brings, but it makes us entirely more human and compassionate. It's not exactly a fair trade, but it's something.

[vickitwo]

Val,

I would like to add that losing a spouse or parent at a young age goes against the natural order of things also.