NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[SMR]

Lisa, I remember you well indeed and have often thought of you. Since we last were in touch my DH has also passed (3/28/2014) I can scarcely believe it has been ten month in this world without him. Send me a msg if you'd like to connect via Facebook. It was so nice hearing from you.

[Patience]

Hello everyone. Last time I wrote here, I said that your stories are my stories. I read of your sadness and coping, and see myself in your words.

It's been about half a year since my husband died. I did make it through the holidays, but I was a bit surprised that it was a time that accentuated the disappointments that can come from those of whom you expect better. It is like everything is under a magnifying glass ... what I might have brushed off before, now comes with much more focus. (Of course, that same intense focus also is on those who are truly kind and considerate.)

I've been sorting through the many possession of my husband's of which I have no use. He was a "handyman", and had a tool for everything. I just don't need a chain saw and a ladder that is heavier than I am. The closet is done, one more sack to sort, and I'm through with donating the last of his clothing. Although I've kept some of his Tshirts that are good for another layer on a cool night, or for putting on after a shower (they are nearly like a mini-dress on me).

I still cry every day over something or other. I'm so used to it, now I don't even mind if I cry in public.

Many of us seem to be in the same boat, just using different style oars.

[exaussie]

What do you all do on birthdays? My son, John, would have been turning 27 Feb 9th. I don't know how to handle it at all.

[WifeOfMike]

Hello everyone,

ColoradoWalt- Yes, I too talk to Mike all the time. Sometimes I feel he is answering. His presence is felt at home, at our shop, and at the trade shows with intensity.
The light sensitive clock that sings tunes on the half hour is going off in the night time- usually when my thoughts drift to missing him (in the dark mind you), which makes me think he is nearby
It gives me great comfort, thinking he is watching over us. I miss him so much at times that it is hard to catch my breathe.

Patience- you framed it perfectly. We are all in the same boat called grief, and although similar- our oars are unique. The waters are so different each day- sometimes smoother, sometimes rougher, and sometimes both in one day

My youngest son & I just finished our second trade show this month- 4 long days. It was HARD repeating the story to so many- all shocked with the news
I hardly slept in the hotel. It was not the new atmosphere- the last show was close enough to be home at night in my own bed & I had trouble sleeping too. It just intensifies our sadness without breaks
I had to let our youngest son leave the show a couple of times so he could regroup. This particular show was their thing to do together, and his sadness filled the air making it hard to breathe for me too.
I broke out in tears a handful of times.... thankfully when no one was watching. It ended a combination of caring folk reaching out to help- to complete idiots who did not know when to quit & us biting our tongues in despair
I am thankful for a friends efforts to compose a memorial announcement- which we gave to our closest compadres. It let us gain some tiny seconds of composure while they read my dear husbands story
The ride home was just as hard. The bulk of the 1 1/2 hour ride was exactly the same route hubs & I took to the clinical trials. I sat in silence looking out the window to hide my thoughts from our son.

This month I have less paperwork to take over the reins of our business legally. I am grateful, but at the same time now have to turn my sights to liquidation of some of hubby's life's work
It is small corners of our business we are no longer pursuing, which will be a whole new emotional roller-coaster- a whole new arena of "letting go". I am also finding the words to comfort our sons as they watch.
I know it is tearing them up too, so framing it the right way is tricky- so they can embrace the changes and not feel like they are somehow betraying or disappointing their dad- but doing the smart thing for us moving forward

As for birthdays.....Mike's is June 19th. I have several months before I have to hurdle the day, but I imagine it will somehow include the beach that he loved so much. His last birthday he called me excited that his stop on the beach included dolphins playing in the surf. I found those pictures and it is the background picture of his memorial card. A fitting frame for his life's story. His favorite color was blue. I may have to start hunting the coastline from shop to home in search of the exact spot he was standing. It will give me a very welcome break, searching for a tiny bit of closeness to bring us together once more.

A BIG Hug to all,
Vicki

[ptfly]

Tmrw at 1:11 pm will be the 3 month mark that Tracie left this world in my arms.
She looked at me a week before when we both accepted that there was nothing either of us could do to save her. She saw in my eyes and without saying or asking but just realizing, she blurted out that I was not going to be OK. As always, she was right.
If she had to pass I would not have asked for a more perfect way. I was there every second for days and I knew when to open my heart and tell her how I loved her and comforted her. She took her last breath in my arms only when I told her it was OK to let go.
I talked to her for ten minutes after she stopped breathing, then cried like I never have.
I called hospice. They came and I redressed my wife and followed her to the black car, holding her still warm, yellow hand.

3 weeks later, still in shock I met with my doctor. He didn't know but I told him my story.
He told me that what I went through was potentially more traumatic than what veterans go through. When our closest loved one leaves us in our arms it can be a double edge sword for the survivor.

I didn't understand what he said to me until today. He was telling me that PTSD was a strong possibility.
I have and do relive that last day over and over. It freezes me. It controls me. It has changed me for the worse.
I didn't know what it was but I described it as walking through a huge fire and then having to walk backwards through it again very slowly.

This Friday on our anniversary I will drive my wife's ashes to thorncrown chapel where we were married and spread her ashes by the tree from our wedding pictures. I don't know if it will help me but it was her wish. The tree behind us in my profile pic.

[Icesk8tr]

Dear Paul,
I am crying reading your post. My face is soaked with tears. I feel your pain so clearly through your words. My husband and my children's love for me is so deep and intense that I fear for each one of them when I am no longer here. You and Tracie are a true love story. I am so sorry you have had to endure such pain, and your beloved Tracie is no longer here.
My thoughts and prayers are with you Paul.

Christine❤️

[Maia]

(((Paul))) I feel deeply what you have said.

[O Stoma Mia]

...This Friday on our anniversary I will drive my wife's ashes to Thorncrown Chapel where we were married and spread her ashes by the tree from our wedding pictures. I don't know if it will help me but it was her wish. The tree behind us in my profile pic.

[ptfly]

o
took my babe's ashes home to where we were married on our anniversary.
had to walk around the gate since they were closed this month except for weddings.
Met our pastor on the long walk out.

[WifeOfMike]

Paul,

I am so touched by your posts and tears are streaming down my face as I type. The saying "Death leaves a Heartache no one can heal; Love leaves a memory no one can steal" perfectly reflects how I feel too.
I love the very beautiful Thorncrown Chapel, and the thought of you taking your Dear Tracie's ashes back to where you married your lovely bride. I understand where her heart was in her decision.
My Mike and I were married in a small chapel near the beach where we live, in May, 1982........ I truly wish it was still there, when we renewed our vows this past December.
It is also yet one more reason I have chosen to do a Memorial at Sea with my sons, followed by a gathering at my home Celebrating his Life

It is still hard to fathom what I just went through with my dear husband. I am still in shock how could we go from a Friday filled with hopeful news that he would undergo radiation therapy the following Tuesday, end up in the emergency ward Sunday, and to bring him home under hospice care Monday afternoon with all hopes dashed. PTSD about sums it up, for what I have gone through, too. I have not yet been to vocalize or put down in writing, the last months/ days/ hours/ moments with my dear Mike. I tried to share the good times & memories I tried to create during the last Thanksgiving & Christmas he would spend with me and our three sons. I think it gave them some small comfort, and took the focus off of the end being near. I kept secret to everyone, the daily "tough stuff" I went through, although I know Mike could see it in my eyes, particularly when they brimmed over with tears at times when we were alone for over two months of hospice care. Please don't get me wrong. I regret not one moment of my decision to have those last days here in my home, over the alternative choice of round the clock hospitals, nurses & Dr's. I especially do not regret that his last moments were just the two of us, and as I had promised my true love- the last thing he would see, would be my blue eyes looking into his. I also know that my heart was shattered, when I felt him drift away as I held him in my arms.
I sit here on Valentine's Day and miss him with all my heart & soul. I wish it were a bad dream, all of us could wake up from and have more time with those we loved so very much.

I send much love across the miles, to all of you here
Vicki



A BIG HUG to all of you here

[CRguy]

Paul and Vicki,

YOU are the very reason this forum IS what it is.

We are all body, mind, spirit.
CRC attacks the body ... and we deal.
Dealing messes with our minds .... so we push on.

When body and mind are consumed with dealing and pushing on ......
we discover our true spirit, which sustains us and leads us out of the "now"
and we may then be NED ... or sadly, not

but the SPIRIT lives on
HERE with our friends, loved ones, family online

and Our Spirit HERE Never Dies

We are always Here in Spirit with everyone who has passed through this forum
patient
friend
caregiver
loved one
past
present

WE are ALL, here in spirit with every one else who has ever had to be here.

Word

CR in Harmony

[SMR]

Well said CRGuy

[WifeOfMike]

My dear CRGuy,

As usual you hit the nail on the head.
During hubby's first year I came here for answers, the second+ years to give back, share opinions, love, friendship & get answers.
Now I come for love, friendship, and comfort & will hopefully soon be back to sharing opinions, research & helping with answers as I regain my strength.
Although my hubby never came here ...... I feel like a part of him will always be here, via the stories of our journey that I shared
I find comfort in knowing that... you knew him through ME

Much love to you brother.... and every one of my dear friends
Vicki

[bitchslapped]

PTSD is very real. There are just some things one will never forget, though time does soften the memory, it is never a good one. Time will tuck it away in its proper place, leaving the good memories, but it does come back all too easily if another loved one is following similar footsteps.
A beautiful sentiment for your DW ptfly & yes, Sister Vicki, we grew to know your Mike through your postings & share in your pain. You are still in my thoughts.

It helped me to remind myself that it is supposed to hurt & we honor them through our pain & treasured memories.

Hugs to all of you...
Bitchslapped

[Sharon Brent]

My Dear CC Friends,

It is with a heavy heart I come to this forum, but on leaving I am lifted up by the Love and support I and everyone receive here.

I found you all as Golden was in Hospital dying as it turned out only a few months ago on Monday 6 October.

But what I gained here can Not be put in Monetry terms, it is without a doubt Priceless.

As the days count down to my return to London I feel Anxioux and Scared but know that in the early hours when my mind wanders and the tears flow I can come here to gain strenghth and a kind word.

I Thank you all for everything you have done to help me and hope I too can help others in the future.

All my Love nd Kisses from Lagos Nigeria