NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[exaussie]

I haven't had an experience of seeing or speaking to my son since his death 6 weeks ago. But prior to that, about a month before he passed I was awoken at 4 am to his voice calling me in a haunting, scared type of voice. He clearly said MOM! I woke up crying, I knew then he was not going to live much longer. I never told him about it.

[Helen]

Hello Everyone,

Its been awhile since I have posted though I do still come to the board most days.I am will be forever grateful for the love and support I received here.

Sending you all love. Helen, I think of you often and thank you for starting this thread. I think of your love for Pam and how wonderful you two were all those years. I know you miss her and you going forward with your life gives me strength. To be a member here stills seems surreal even thought it has been 2 months. I am up and down and up and down. Still so much in life to celebrate and be grateful for including our two beautiful daughters. But, I miss Dick every single day in so many ways. He filled me life with so much love and was a fabulous partner in so many ways. Sigh

Aloha,
kathleen

Kathleen I think of you often for me learning to live without Pam is difficult at best.I have made a major change in my life! I started working again for the first time since before my beloved was dx and I have moved about 220 miles from our home to Morro Bay.I worked for a large phone company for many years and now I am working in a deli in a grocery chain.The pay is very low and the work is super physical but for me I find that it really helps me as I have very little time to sit with my grief.I love living so close to the ocean I am only a 1/3 of a mile if I just want to walk alone and 1 mile when I take my dogs to a beach that allows dogs.I have decided to stay at my new job for 6 months for a couple of reasons 1 thats when my health insurance kicks in and I can finally get my colonoscopy 2 by then I will be in great shape physically.I too am up and down on a pretty regular basis on sunday I woke up crying,so I made some coffee and went and spent a little time at the ocean before heading to work.Where I live now I have a cousin and Aunt that live a 1/2 mile in one direction and another cousin that lives almost a mile in the other direction and it is nice to be able to have family dinners a couple of times a week.

Peace and Love to all

~Helen

[Kathleen808]

Helen,
Morro Bay is so beautiful! We were there 2 summers ago and just loved it. I find the ocean, being in it, on it or by it, so rejuvenating. I will think of you when I go to the sea for my renewing time. Your new job sounds like a great fit for you right now.

Sending aloha.

Kathleen

[Val*pal]

Hi, Everyone!

It's been 3.5 months since Danny passed away. Like many of you have said, I've had my ups and downs, but the absolutely worst time was the 2-4 weeks following his death. I had so much anxiety, I felt terrible. I was surprised that the anxiety was so dominant, but I guess it's because one of the main foundations of my life was taken away. Since then, I've done better and better.

One big setback for me was the recent loss of my full-time job. I loved my work, and it was a shock to be laid off after 16 years at that agency. However, I worked for a non-profit and funding is never totally secure, and the agency had to end the program for which I worked. There was also, of course, the financial fears.

Fortunately, I went to Social Security to apply for Danny's $255 death benefit and learned that I am eligible to receive monthly payments as Danny's surviving spouse since I am 61 and you have to be 60. So, though I wasn't keen on it, I signed up. I continue to work an 8 hour a week teaching job, and in many ways I think having the "free" time is a blessing. I honestly do need time to clear my head, mourn Danny, and decide if I want to remain on Social Security or find a new full-time job. I've only been off full-time work for a week and a half, but I'm amazed at how busy I am. I feared I would have nothing to do.

I am thinking of joining a local hospice run grief support group. I find myself dwelling too much on Danny's last few weeks. Perhaps if I have a chance to discuss it with others who have gone through something similar, I will move on from those sad thoughts. I also have some anger about something one of Danny's relatives did that continues to gnaw at me. I know that there is no benefit in holding on to anger, so that's something I would also like to have the chance to talk about.

Like many of you have said about your lost loved ones, I feel Danny near me a lot. I had one dream about him recently in which I knew he was dead, but he was trying to tell me something. In the dream I was very frustrated because I couldn't understand what he was trying to say. This actually happened when Danny was in his last hours. He was trying to say something to me, but he was too weak to make himself clear. I guess this is haunting me more than I thought.

On a happy note, I am spending more time with my grandchildren now that I am not working full-time. They are young teens, so I'm not sure how they appreciate grandma popping up more, but so far they are humoring me!

[exaussie]

@val*pal I am surprised at the anxiety. My 17 year old daughter is struggling with it too. So nice you are getting to have time with your grandchildren.. One day I look forward to is being a grandmother.

[Elvie]

I am finding myself, as well, dwelling on the past weeks of my mom's life. I replay some of the moments over and over again, tonight is another bad night for me. I just wished I would have known that she was near death instead of believing what was told to me by the doctors' staff that she was suffering from the after effects of her cancer treatments. There are so many things I would have liked to discussed with her, but wanting to be positive for her sake, I didn't. Oh, I know she was 83 years old, and I am so lucky to have had her this long in my life, but her mom lived to be 96. She was my lifeline…best friend. I come home to this empty house after work (luckily I have been kept on after my bosses' sudden resignation) and I talk to her about my day, wanting to hear her responses. I feel very selfish. This past weekend I visited her and my dad's grave and had long talk with them both. With no children of my own, the loneliness gets to be so overwhelming. I just hope that it gets better, but I worry it won't. It took a long time for me to adjust to the loss of my dad, but that was 20 years ago and now I am so much older….

[coloradowalt]

Two weeks ago today my beloved passed. I too long for the chance to have had deeper conversations. As the caregiver I had read to not get ahead of the patient, instead let them choose the level of the discussion. As such we never ventured into the deeper talks. We were just starting our second line of chemo, I thought there was plenty of time. At the end we had one night of deep discussion and lots of tears. The end came so suddenly, not at all what anyone expected. Without that one deep discussion I would be devastated.

For the first time yesterday I had to answer the question: marital status? I am now a widower. It still seems so surreal to me.

[Helen]

HI All,

I am having a hard time…..I recently relocated to a small coastal town and I find myself at times second guessing my decision to move. I could return to our home as I have it rented to a friend. On a positive side I and our 3 smallest dogs go to the ocean just about daily,our 2 big dogs are still at our home in the desert. I didn't think it was fair to bring the big dogs as my new place has no fenced yard at all and they are very comfortable with my friend and her family,she has taken care of all of our dogs for about 5 years when we needed a sitter.

Today I went thru some more boxes and had to stop.I find it very painful to open a box and see our things even though I love them,I left a lot of our stuff packed in the garage of our desert home. I mean I have the basics unpacked and I have pictures out and on the walls,there is still a lot to do….In a little over five weeks it will be a year since my beloved was set free from cancer.

I cannot say that it gets easier yet.What I can say is grief for me is ever changing,triggers reactions just day to day life.I miss Pam's physical presence so much down to an almost cellular level at times. I also am so thankful that at times I can feel and hear Pam. I signed a one year lease here but I am sure I could get the owner to allow me to brake it if I feel like I must go back. I have met new people here some that I am sure will remain life long friends.Im still just not sure this is where I will settle plus I have been searching rentals trying to find a place where I could have all my dogs when this lease expires if I choose to stay in the area so far zero luck.

I often wonder how all of you are doing and would really be thankful if you could write about how its going in your life.

Peace and Love

~Helen

[Marian1961]

Helen, I lost my husband suddenly, not to cancer, but I know a bit about grief. It takes a long time. I think the most important word you used was "recently". Moving is a hard experience at any point in life, but it is jarring in grief. Every step, every change made, every singular action taken that was a couple action in the past takes longer to adjust to, get comfortable with, accept. You did it though, you accomplished the move. Allow yourself to be content with that decision.

It does get easier. I understand those are hollow words. I'll be honest and say it took me 5 years to be in my own skin again. I hope you will gift yourself the time to become more comfortable in your new home. Sending you gentle hugs and a wish for peace in your new place in life.

[Val*pal]

I've been experiencing a lot more "flashbacks". Little things trigger memories of Danny's struggles in his last few weeks, and I literally see a scene in my mind. I'm sure the rest of you have had something similar.

Knowing myself, I tend to consciously shut out memories which may not be good. Recently I started writing about his illness, starting with the first indication that something was wrong - in Danny's case it was a CT-scan to try and specifically locate a kidney stone. I'm hoping this will help me in the long run. However, it is difficult to write, and I'm not sure I want to do more just before the holidays, which will be challenging enough. Danny loved the Christmas season so much.

I've also just filled out a medical records request form. I want to get a detailed explanation of how Danny's disease progressed. I know it won't change anything, but I just feel this need to know. While he was undergoing treatment, I hesitated to ask the doctors a lot since I didn't know how much Danny wanted to know. If I had been alone with the oncologist, I would have asked endless questions. I know a lot of the answers are in the doctors' notes, so I'll be sending off a request for copies this week. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being morbid, but I honestly think I just have a curiosity that I want to fulfill.

I'm sure that we are all bracing for the holidays. I find myself much more emotional when I'm out shopping since I keep thinking of how much enjoyment Danny experienced just going through malls to see what new things were displayed or Christmas. He literally visited like 5-7 area malls each year in the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was his holiday ritual.

I hope you are all doing well. Helen, I'm sorry you're struggling to adjust to your new residence. Just keep in mind that it takes quite a while to feel "at home" in a new place. You need to develop the rituals and familiarity with your new home and neighborhood before you feel secure. I think it's harder to adjust the older one gets.

Coloradowalt: Ugh, I know what you mean about suddenly having to indicate widow/widower. It's a bit of a shock. I hope you are okay.

Elvie, I hope you find some things to do to help you adjust to your mom's passing. I know it must feel so lonely for you now, but there are people out there who need you and perhaps you can find a way to fill the loss inside you. But I know that first you need to grieve. I found solace in the fact that my mom was "old" when she died (89). She had had a long life, and it was her time to go. But I still miss her a lot, even now 12 years later, though now the memories are happy ones of her and I am just so glad that she was with me as long as she was.

[exaussie]

Thanksgiving will be tough for us not just because my son was a great cook and loved thanksgiving but last year my parents and sister flew in from Australia to stay with us and we had the bustle of tons of family. My mother is now in a nursing home as her dementia got really bad this year. Knowing that it was the last thanksgiving with my son and them is really hard.
We are placing his headstone this week so my daughter who lives in California can see it. Somehow this is so hard, the writing of his name and age written in stone is so permanent and we can't pretend that he is just on a trip and will be back. As his big sister said, why can't we all just stay in denial, its comfortable there....

[abuttigi]

Great to "hear" from all of you! Life is moving fast here. I'm now 6 months out of finishing medical school. At this point, I've decided to pursue pediatrics and am interviewing for residency positions, mostly in the Midwest with a smattering on the East Coast. My mom has come with me to some, but the decision to leave her vs. do a residency closer to home that I don't love is still an unfinished one. It seems so rude of life to keep going without my dad. My dad would have been so happy to see the culmination of all our work. This is what he lived his life for, what he waited so long for. It seems wrong to continue the journey without him, but I know somehow he'd haunt me if I didn't.
Holidays are bittersweet for us for a lot of reasons. My dad LOVED having a full house of company over. He is one of ten, and we use to host Thanksgiving all the time when I was little. I remember the basement being full of laughter every year. It was a beautiful time. Now, everyone has gone their own separate ways with grandchildren, and one of my dad's brothers is causing trouble threatening to sue everyone over my grandmother's estate. He even sent a letter to my mom calling her things I can't repeat on a public forum and claiming that my dad brought the cancer upon himself. The amount of disrespect he showed my dad shocked me to tears. My dad also died December 10. We thought he would get one more Christmas, but once he stopped treatment things happened so fast. I remember getting the news the day after Thanksgiving that the trial wasn't working, probably the worst day of my life.

I feel for all of you. Helen, I wish I had some words of comfort for you. I know that one day a month ago I finally had 1 day of feeling normal, almost two years after my dad died. Of course, not everyday is like that, but the experience of finally gaining some "new" normalcy back was refreshing, and I can assure you it will happen to you again in due time. I'm glad you have doggies to keep you company, animals are the best.
Exaussie- I can't imagine losing a child. My heart goes out to you.
I wish the rest of you a happy Holiday season. Thinking of all of you always!

Angie

[Helen]

Hello Everyone.

I am so thankful for this thread this board and everything it has to offer,truly I thank you all.

Well as most of you know I moved to Morro Bay 3 months ago after spending a lot of time here over the summer. Well first let me say I do enjoy it here,but it sure doesn't feel like home. I had signed a 1 year lease and had planned on returning home at the end of my lease. Last week I was doing my utility bills and thought they were a little high so I called them and sure enough my landlord has part of his completely separate house running thru my breakers and meter. Then I noticed he had his hose hooked up to one of my bibs and when I saw him I asked him why he was using my bib her responded very poorly to say the least accusing me of being petty for not wanting to pay for his water,and in fact suggested that if I didn't like it I should move. I felt threatened by his harsh use of foul language when I brought up the water I decided to wait until my parents got here to tell him about the electricity. I know longer feel comfortable here at all and have taken him up on breaking the lease. My step dad and I talked to him on Wednesday and bottom line is he is supposed to give me back my deposit this coming tuesday and will prorate december depending on when I vacate the property. Now I do know that he is completely in the wrong and is breaking the law 1 I have a lease and 2 he is stealing utilities…But the truth is i feel like it was just the excuse I needed to return to our desert home. My cousins that live here want me to rent another place and I really think I just want to go home. Im curious if any of you have any thoughts on my going home vs staying in Morro Bay. Plus I now live & plus hours from my folks and the desert is only 31/2 hours away.

I want to know how you all did yesterday ?? It was the last holiday my beloved and I shared and I wasn't sure how it would be. One of my cousins hosted and there was about 13 of us. Lets put it this way I said to my mom after we ate look on the bright side mom it will be dark soon and we can go to sleep. I did go for a walk on the beach with one of my aunts and I enjoyed that.

Peace and Love ~Helen

ps I still light candles for all of us every sunday.

[trapbear]

Hi everyone,
It's been three months since my wonderful husband passed. It does get easier but the am still so sad. I went to the 49er Seahawks game Thanksgivingy game with some dear friends. I could not bear to do the traditional meal, etc. My Christopher was a wonderful cook and love our Thanksgiving dinners/parties. Like many of you have said I relivevthe last weeks and I wish we had more "deep" talks. He became so quiet the last month. Never wanted to real talk about death. Even when he does don't speak I just to ld him constantly how much I loved him and that I would never forget him. I will think of him every day for the rest of my life. I love reading our iMessages on our phones. I decorated the house today and put up his favorite Swedish decorations (he was from Sweden). I am blessed to have good friends who care for me. I will spend Christmas with my family in Indiana. I am having a Celebration of Christopher's life Dec 13 on the northern California coast. We have a weekend place there and he was very active in the local musical theater. Many friends will be singing. This will be the first memorial since he died. I can think of no better way to pay tribute to his memory.
I love you all,
Bill

[Mojo]

Hello to everyone. I just passed the 3rd year of Kenny's transition to heaven on nov 21. The first year was the worst going through every first. Around yr two anniversary I got despondent but pulled out of it. I'm still standing. Im just now trying to think of myself and get healthier . Life goes on and we somehow do too. I have found several nickels left for me, we agreed he would leave nickles! A light outside will blink on at odd times, I think he's letting me know he's near. I have learned to fix a fluorescent light, mow yard all the time, shovel snow etc. I took care of storm damage after tree hit my car this summer, had new furnace and air conditioner put in. We always made decisions together, but if I can do it, you all can too! We are stronger because we have to be. I'm sorry that we had to lose our loved ones. Now my norm is so different that sometimes I think I just dreamed my other life, it's weird. But I'm here for a reason God only knows. So I wish you all well on your journeys. Hugs to all, sharon