Tammylane I loved your post! It helped me take off the fuzzy glasses and see clearly so to speak!
That is all I've been striving for daily is just to carry on. However it seemed everyday I was falling further behind.
I made a huge decision today in regards to my health and cancer. Those of you that are close to me know of the hell I've been going through since Jan 15th when I had my "what was suppose to be" last surgery.
Well my body is not cooperating and as a result I have been in hells trenches for the past 10 weeks. Never have I ever experienced such horrible pain.
my cancer was to low to my rectum for the surgery to have been a success unfortunately.
The only solution to this pain is getting a permanent colostomy bag. For those of you that don't know what that is, it is basically a bag that I will change daily. It attaches to my stomach and will collect all of my waste and output. It will be under my clothing, and most of the time you would never know I had it. Last year for 9 months I had a temporary bag. I really struggled with this in the beginning. It is a huge change from "normal" and really effected my self image. Over time I adjusted to the new me and actually grew to not mind the bag. I had it reversed this past Jan. as my surgeon was hopeful I would be able to be "normal" again. So this will be round 2 however this time it will be permanent with no chance of a reversal down the road.
This is very scary for me to write as my self image has always been a huge part of what I thought was me. I've learned through this that it truly is not the clothes that make the man, and I certainly have grown through this process.
I'm sharing this with my friends, family and ya'll here for 2 reasons. 1- because I want the love and support of all those that will interact with me. I want you all to know I'll still be me. Just with something a little different than you.
2- because this is my first step of accepting the new me. And the most bravest step in conquering those self image demons that can get in your head and talk crazy talk until you loose all your confidence and your spirit breaks.
The past 10 weeks Cancer has been winning. No longer will this happen. Not on my watch. My appointment is scheduled for tomorrow to plan the surgery date.
*** If you guys have any suggestions for pre-op, please let me know! I'd love for this surgery to go as normal and easy as possible. ***