Share what you learned at therapy thread..spouse of cancer

[mich]

Without a doubt this journey is a rollocoaster of emotions with all kinds of dynamics only this board can understand. Watching my spouse battle this disease for 7 years....I feel like his luck can only go so far. Lately what has been bothering me is when he looses his battle - how to deal with his death??
I feel like I will be so lonely and depressed and yet I have to conjure up strength for our kids how does one prepare to be in such a scary position???
I just think i will be crying for the rest of my life? like if I see my sons eyes sad then that will crush me.I will never be able to escape the sadness that is to come.
I really feel I need to do something now to prepare.Then I also fear having guilt ,guilt of not doing enough,guilt for even thinking he could loose his battle.
I hate this disease so much!!Please share thoughts.

[kirac]

I don't have any particular advice, but I can relate to part of what you must be going through. Try to join a support group - your hospital or treatment center may have one. Or talk to a therapist. My thoughts are of you and your family.

[kiwiinoz]

Mich
I would say that your husband will have the same guilt at having put you into this position in the first place. I know that if / when I get to this point I will be feeling extremely bad for having put my wife in a position where she had to have dealt with these concerns to begin with
Kiwi

[vickitwo]

I was on that emotional rollercoaster ride for two years. (still on it) Thoughts and fear of losing my best friend and father to my 5 young adult children to this DREADFUL disease was never far from my mind. I have read many posts about how fast the end came for their loved one. This was the case for my husband as well. His health rapidly declined due to respiratory distress over the course of 1 month. He passed away on Jan 4th. My advice is to say all the things that you need to say to each other. Ask questions. Love each other and spend quality family time. Make sure that you have a power of attorney and a will. Also a living will. In his last days it was evident that the end was coming soon, his quality of life was fading away. As difficult as that was, it did make it easier to let go. He spent the last week of his life at hospice house. I am immensely greatful for our local hospice house and the staff. They were so kind and so supportive. I would not have wanted to be at home. I do miss him so very much. I do not hide my grief from our children. I feel that we need to grieve together. Also, I do better if I take one day at a time and don't dwell too much on the future. I have been lucky in that the people in my community have been very kind to our family. As for you feeling guilty---I don't have much doubt at all that you are doing the best job of caring for your husband that you know how to. Don't beat yourself up for being realistic about the reality of stage four colon cancer. I just want you to know that I feel for you. I pray that the scientists can come up with more effective treatments or better yet a cure.

PS Our local Hospice offers free grief counseling. I saw a counselor there for about three months or so when my husband was first diagnosed. I had so many thoughts, fears, emotions. It helped to have someone to listen. It is still available to me should I need it. That might be available where you live.

[Laurettas]

Vicki gave you wonderful advice. I really don't know if you can prepare emotionally for your spouse to die. It is going to hit you hard I think no matter what you do because we just can't fully comprehend the reality until it is there.

If your husband is open to it, talk with him about the things that are "his job" in the home and see how much you can prepare to take over those tasks, if necessary.

When making end of life decisions, be brutally honest about your own strengths/weaknesses and make sure they are taken into account when deciding on how to approach his death. I agreed to allow my husband to stay home even though I knew inside myself that that was not something I was going to handle well. It would have been so much less stressful if my husband had spent his last two weeks in the hospital instead of just the last 24 hours. My daughter who lives next door agrees with me about this as well. It would have been better for her and her family, in her opinion. He would have been more comfortable as well. Oral pain meds are just not as effective in many instances as IV ones.

[vickitwo]

Another thing that just popped into my head is to find out computer passwords, location of keys, etc, that you may need in the future.

[lydia123]

What did I learn in therapy...

Where to begin.

1. A good therapist is like a gift from god. A bad therapist is... I dont even have words. There are good and bad therapists, and good therapists who are bad matches. Take stock, and potentially start again with someone new.

2. I am eternally grateful to a woman I saw in my mid 40s. Since I have a complicated family, I chose someone Jewish so that I could cut to the chase and waste less time. I think this was a good move and saved time and money. Lesson is to think about what will resonate for you, and go with your gut. Years later, I called her regarding how my son was dealing with my husband's cancer, and she was great - blunt, but that is why I called her.

3. Read this blog. http://crabbycancerwife.wordpress.com/ A dear friend of mine. She is AMAZING. Her husband did die, and her life has gone on. She misses him every day, but she has a full rich life.

I am sorry.

(edit - I should have said, I chose someone Jewish because I am -- no need to explain our cultural mishigas...)