Mom won't stop crying

[gwj7]

My 57 year old mom was diagnosed with colon cancer in August 2012. I don't know many details but I think there is liver involvement. Just a couple of weeks ago we found out it spread to her shoulder too. Her upper humerus ended up fracturing so she went to get it surgically fixed about 10 days ago. She went to Memorial Sloan in NYC. The doctors replaced her entire upper humerus bone.

Since she's gotten out of the hospital she doesn't seem to stop crying. I'm writing this as I listen to her hysterically cry in the room next door. My dad is trying to comfort her but it doesn't seem to be working. I asked her what was going on and she said she didn't want to feel like this anymore. I don't know if that's cancer in general or just pain from the surgery. I feel so helpless. I'm 19 and my life has kind of gone downhill ever since my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

I think she was really traumatized from the hospital experience and it made cancer even more real. As far as I know, my mom will never be cured, and I think the hospital visit and the operation freaked her out.

While she isn't crying 24/7, she will usually wake up and cry for a little while, and she'll randomly cry throughout the day. I am wondering if this is okay. I don't know what to say when this happens. I tell her that it will get better day-by-day but I have no idea.

Does anyone have any advice? How much crying is normal? When does it become abnormal? What can I say to my mom when she starts crying like she's doing right now?

Thanks

[Lee]

Does anyone have any advice? How much crying is normal? When does it become abnormal?

Thanks

Is your mom on antidepressants? Either way, please talk to her Dr about her crying. Getting a cancer diagnoses can be very over whelming. Add all the extra problems and you get the picture. You will find many people on this board who use antidepressants to function daily. I was almost put on them when I was diagnosed. At some point, my Onc realized I was doing OK and said there was "life in my eyes".

I hope your mom is doing better soon.

Lee

[michelle c]

I'm sorry that your mom and your family are going through this. Everyone reacts differently. I never cried but I was very, very anxious and scared - I don't know why I never cried - I felt too numb, in shock - the only time I cried was when I was in the onc's office for the first time - he mentioned something about my kids and wanting to keep me around for them for as long as possible. I find that I am moved to tears when others are concerned but find it hard to cry for myself. Saying this, I can understand why your mom is crying - it's hard to know what to say but just hug her, hold her hand, tell her that you love her, and that you'll be there for her, and just listen. She s probably feeling scared and alone which is a normal reaction. Does she have a family doctor who she can talk to and who could refer her to a councillor or perhaps prescribe her some medication to help. Encourage her to come on here for support and understanding too. You sound like a wonderful daughter. My heart goes out to your family - I'm sure others will chime in with helpful advice. Wishing your mom and your family better days ahead.

[SurfCaster]

Sorry for your mom's struggles...

Others can comment much better on the physical and emotional aspects of the cancer, but I can tell you from personal experience that any major surgery to the shoulder is extremely painful and uncomfortable. The slightest movement can be excruciating.

Make sure she is staying ahead of the pain with her medications, and perhaps she needs higher a higher dose. Is a cryo-therapy machine an option for her shoulder? It did wonders for my severe post surgical pain.

Is she prescribed any medication for anxiety or depression? If not, I'd recommend you discuss that option with her....it can help put a wall up around some of those emotions while she deals with the cancer and everything else on her plate.

Best of luck.

[skypup]

Hi gwj,

I'm almost exactly your mom's age and also have had to face the very likely reality of no cure. I'm not much of a cryer, but there was one week when I really got that I was terribly sick, and I cried almost nonstop. When I was done I had moved into a place of acceptance. It's been a good thing -- a peaceful thing -- for me. I hope it is so for your mom, too.

For me, it was really important that the few people I shared my feelings with that week not tell me "it was going to be okay". You are really young to be in this position, but if you and your mom communicate well, perhaps you can be the person who is able to stand beside her as she deals with this. It may be as simple as saying, "Mom, please tell me how you are feeling if you can. I want to be here with you."

Blessings to you and your mom...

[Ashlee H.]

You don't indicate if you are a son or daughter -not that it really makes a difference. There is no "normal" when it comes to this disease. Some of us cry, some don't. It's the holidays. She is probably thinking this may be her last holiday and of all the things she may miss out in the years to come. I by no means am an expert on emotions - but if you just love on her, and let her know you are there for her, that should bring her some comfort. I know people telling me everything is going to be OK just depresses me because I know I am terminal. I will have pity parties for myself, but I try to enjoy something about every day. Listen to her. If she wants to cry, let her cry. If she wants to talk and talk, let her talk. Are there things she enjoys doing that you could do together? Have her teach you a favorite recipe. I guess basically I'm trying to encourage you to make memories with her. She may need medication and someone professional to talk to - but she needs to talk to her doctor or your dad about that issue.

[michelle c]

Ooops sorry, I just presumed that you were her daughter but you could be her son, of course, sorry for the presumption.

[pfCml73183]

My husband is hypersensitive about his diagnose. He has cried a lot and it was suggested he use an anti-depressant. I thought it was a reasonable way to treat him but he opted out.
Palliative Care would be a good place to check into this situation though. Your Mom may need The Oncologists approval though.
I hope you all can still have a nice Christmas, Celeste

[gwj7]

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[mstults]

It would help if you went to a cancer support group along with your mother. I've said it's harder on the family. While I believe that still, please remember this is about your mother and not you. Support her. Be there fr her. If you're inconvenienced, please don't tell her. Get her emotional help along with cancer help. You will be glad you did.

[michelle c]

I think that you are a caring and thoughtful son by taking the time to try and help his mom - you are not selfish at all.

You say that your mom is pretty much bedridden at the moment. Does she have a television in her room? If so, perhaps you could spend some time with her watching it. When I was on chemo I would love it when my kids came in and watched some television with me or played a game. I did not expect them to but it was really nice when they did. Chemo made me so ill that on my worst days I couldn't get out of bed. I felt lonely in there on my own whilst everyone else carried on with things.

Also, could you take her out for a drive or a coffee or something similar? There were many times when I didn't feel like doing anything but was glad when my friends insisted that I go.

My situation was different to your mom's, I understand that, but sometimes just doing simple/normal things made a huge difference to my mental well being.

[Marian1961]

You are a wonderful young man. Cancer is a family involved disease. I am certainly not capable of determining what is right or normal, but it strikes me as not ok when anyone (in any circumstance) cries nonstop for days/weeks. I agree with the others that a doc should be informed of your mothers struggle, and perhaps a plan to help her can be discussed. In the meantime, your job is to support her and the other members of your family by doing what you can do. Sometimes that just means sitting quietly. It also means you have to take care of yourself, many caregivers and family members also need antidepressants and support. There is a terrific caregivers thread on this site. Hop on over and you will find much support and tips on how to support your mother and your father.