Dear Paula,
You are one of the sweetest, kind hearted and compassionate people I know. Thank you for being so concerned about me. I started to write a PM back to you and just didn't have the mental or physical energy to finish it.
Chemo is really knocking me out.
I also feel bad that I have not responded to people on the CC with encouragement and support lately. I still read about you all without logging on to the site. You all remain in my heart and prayers ALWAYS. I haven't logged in when I read the posts because I feel guilty if I don't respond. Besides being physically low on energy, I feel like my brain is fried. I guess over 60 infusions of chemo in three years will do that.
I did go ahead with the BIG family party and it was wonderful. It was so worth it.
We all had so much fun until......my Mom fell and hit her head really hard. My Mom is on blood thinners, so it is not something to mess around with. We had RN's ( myself included) and MD's at the party. I called 911 and the police and ambulance came. Of course I fed the police officer before he left, we had so much food. My sister and brother went to the hospital with her. We got updates through out the party that she was OK. She returned to the party without even a headache! I can't tell you how much this party meant to me. I have wanted to do this for so long. My husband didn't think I was up to doing it.
If you're still reading this far. The next part of this long message is what I sent out to family and friends.
I heard from my colorectal surgeon early this morning. I can go forward with the surgery BUT without the liver surgeon. The liver surgery alone is extensive. The liver surgeon was apparently not aware how BIG and extensive the rest of the surgery is. The tumors are in the pelvis, duodenum and liver. I am waiting to meet the urologist who will be doing the surgery too. He will be taking out my bladder (temporarily), moving ureters, maybe putting in stents etc.). The surgery is set for Oct. 8th. Dr. K is not worried about the liver, she feels we can ablate it ( radio frequency ablation ). This saves me from undergoing the knife again. Dr. K and Dr. N think it's a good decision to have surgery. Dr. N said I'm in good health, other than cancer ( heart, lungs). I said, I have gained a lot of weight, he said, I'd rather work on someone that is overweight than someone that is malnourished, you're fine. This really is the only choice I have. I can't do chemo for life. The crazy thing is, a few days after surgery I get the worst chemo of all, the intraperitoneal chemo (throughout my abdomen and pelvis). Getting it in the hospital after surgery wasn't bad last time, because I had the epidural in my back for pain, and nausea medication went in my IV. The hard part is trying to recover from surgery and then going into NYC three days in a row for chemo. Just riding in a car hurts and then the IP chemo. My head is spinning right now. I am scared for the first time having surgery. I want a good outcome, but it may not be in the cards for me. Sometimes it's hard to face that reality. Chemo is keeping me alive.....but at a very big price. The chemo I had on Labor Day was another tough round. I was in bed for a few days. Without pain medication it hurts for me to walk some days. That's ALL due to chemo. I was on pain medication for the party, that's why I could move around. I rarely take anything for pain, but I needed it to prepare for the party. If surgery isn't successful......I will still try to do what I have to do to stay alive. I will need substantial breaks from chemo.
I did not put this in the message to others. I may need a temporary ileostomy. If this was at the start of my journey or kidnapping, I would feel differently. I am freaking out about it. I have had so much removed and moved around from my body. This is one more huge assault. Besides part of my colon being removed, I've had appendix, gallbladder, mesenteric wall, omentum, uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, vaginal wall, cytoreduction, two liver resections ( need a third one or RFA) and HAI pump implantation. I'm sure I've forgotten something. My liver surgeon, Dr. D, was supposed to do the surgery along with the other surgeons. I know this is very extensive surgery, and that's why he backed out. I can't help feeling it's my crummy track record for reoccurrence. Dr.K said there is a chance to be off chemo ( meaning for good). Bless her heart, she is so optimistic and so very aggressive with her treatment plans. I have to say with this being my sixth surgery, I am the most scared. If you have read this far, thank you.
For now, I will dream of being cancer free, being off chemo, and doing jumps, spins, footwork and dance on the ice.
Love & Hugs,
Christine
P.S. - see my brain is fried. I've had to edit my post twice already