Family rant

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kirac
Posts: 255
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:34 pm

Family rant

Postby kirac » Mon Aug 19, 2013 12:09 am

Ok, so I write on my blog. But I can't write about family. So I want to rant here, is that ok?? :) Please share your rant. Because it will make me feel better (or you).

His mom and stepdad came to help after his temp ileo. She left early because she couldn't handle it anymore. They told us they changed their flight for the next day. They got into many arguments while she was here so my husband tried to talk to her about it. He tried to say because he had cancer, he was probably more sensitive about things being changed in his house (she was changing our home stuff without asking, labeling our house (lol) etc.), and she told him that because she had cancer, she knew EVEN better than him what he was feeling (We think she had skin cancer, but she had a cancerous mole removed - that was the entire treatment. We're not sure though since she wouldn't talk to us about it).
Husband (Age 36) 1/13 Dx Stage 3B rectal cancer
3/13 Chemoradiation
6/13 Tumor removed, Temp ileo, 1/15 nodes
7/13 Chemo = Oxaliplatin, Xeloda
1/14 Reversal
7/14 NED, CEA 1.8
12/14 CLEAR CT scan! NED

http://kickingasscancer.com/

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Kathryn in MN
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Re: Family rant

Postby Kathryn in MN » Mon Aug 19, 2013 1:37 am

kirac wrote:Ok, so I write on my blog. But I can't write about family. So I want to rant here, is that ok?? :) Please share your rant. Because it will make me feel better (or you).

His mom and stepdad came to help after his temp ileo. She left early because she couldn't handle it anymore. They told us they changed their flight for the next day. They got into many arguments while she was here so my husband tried to talk to her about it. He tried to say because he had cancer, he was probably more sensitive about things being changed in his house (she was changing our home stuff without asking, labeling our house (lol) etc.), and she told him that because she had cancer, she knew EVEN better than him what he was feeling (We think she had skin cancer, but she had a cancerous mole removed - that was the entire treatment. We're not sure though since she wouldn't talk to us about it).


Sounds like it is a good thing they left early. Even if she had the exact stage and type of cancer, she wouldn't know what he was feeling and certainly wouldn't know better than him. While we can relate to what others are feeling and going through, even when we are going through the same, we certainly don't know someone else's feelings better than they do. NOT EVER! She is crazy!
CRC AUG09 Age 47
Sig Res T4a N2a Mx, KRAS mut codon13
Mets bones & nodes
FOLFOX, FOLFIRI, Avastin, Radiation
Irinotecan, Zaltrap & STAR RFA
APR13 pleurisy & ascites - more chemo & draining
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kathrynblume

NWgirl
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Facebook Username: Belle Piazza
Location: Battle Ground, Washington

Re: Family rant

Postby NWgirl » Mon Aug 19, 2013 8:38 am

OMG - speechless! I'd say if they left early, it's time for the happy dance!

I went over to my in-laws last night to hang out with the family. I don't go often. My life is easier that way. I work very hard to manage my stress levels - we do what we have to do. And for me, limiting my time with my in-laws helps tremendously in managing my stress. Nuff said. Of course I could rant on my blog about family (and have) because most of them don't read it anyway - lol!
Belle - "Don't Retreat - Reload"DX 10/07 Stage III Rectal
Surgery 11/07; 27 of 38 nodes
Perm Colostomy 8/11
12/10 recurrence lungs & LN's
VATS Jan 2011
Radiation Oct 2013
Chemo for Life
2012 Colondar Model

Joy
Posts: 460
Joined: Wed Apr 12, 2006 6:33 pm
Location: Ontario, Canada

Re: Family rant

Postby Joy » Mon Aug 19, 2013 9:00 am

I did not visit with my Mom during my treatment. I didn't even tell her that I had cancer, she somehow found out from someone who saw me at
the cancer clinic. The problem I had with my Mom was that she took everything as "personal ". I believe that she loved the sympathy she
got from telling people that "her daughter has cancer". With Mom it was "all about her" and she had the talent of being a "downer". We
jokingly used to call her "the black widow" :D

I waited until I had my last treatment...went over to her house and said "I'm alive".


On reading this it sounds heartless, but there are some times in iife when you just have to do what is best for your sanity.
Going through treatment is hard enough without having to deal with people who cause more stress.
Joy
Stage III rectal cancer 2 nodes out of 19
LAR January 4th 2006
2 rounds of FOLFOX
28 continuous radiation with continuous 5FU
6 rounds of FOLFOX
NED

hkbsmile
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Joined: Tue Aug 13, 2013 4:07 pm

Re: Family rant

Postby hkbsmile » Mon Aug 19, 2013 10:26 am

Good thing they left early, I bet you & your hubby did a happy dance. :mrgreen:

Joy, my mom is the same, it's all about her and her receiving attention/sympathy. All I hear is how hard all of this is on her, etc.

I lost it with my brother last week. He told me it seems I've had more bad days than good lately. I reminded him I just had major surgery and felt like hell for weeks & on top of that I have the stress of being a single mother, moving soon, financial worries, uncertainty about my job, my ex getting out of prison & our father refusing to talk to me because he is mad at me (I still don't know what I did.) He then proceeded to tell me I'm turning into my aunt, which offended me. She was an alcoholic with mental issues which made for a very mean & negative person. I don't drink & I've never had anyone tell me I'm mean & everyone always tells me how positive I have been through everything. My sister has been treating me differently since my conversation with my brother. I doubt any of my family could handle what I go through on a daily basis...one of my family members is on anti-anxiety medication to "deal" with everything I've been through this year. My ex's family has been more supportive than my own! I'm thankful for them & my great friends! I'm also thankful I have somewhere I can come and rant about my family and find support.
Necrotizing faciitis & Dx rectal cancer 2-2013/38 yo
Surgery to close leg wound from NF 3-2013
6 weeks chemo/radiation April-May 2013
APR surgery, permanent colostomy 7-2013
Stage lIb T2N0M0, Lynch syndrome PMS2
Chemo starts 8/26/13

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kirac
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Re: Family rant

Postby kirac » Mon Aug 19, 2013 11:57 am

I think a lot of people assume your family must be helpful, when in fact, as others have said, it can cause more stress. His mom and stepdad were supposed to come back to help, and we told them we didn't need their help. His mom has spent years trying to get closer to him and her help initially seemed to work until we got to spend more time with her. My mom tells me I'm not being appreciative of their help :( but I can't say, "You don't understand. She nuts." I did, but that's another story...
Husband (Age 36) 1/13 Dx Stage 3B rectal cancer
3/13 Chemoradiation
6/13 Tumor removed, Temp ileo, 1/15 nodes
7/13 Chemo = Oxaliplatin, Xeloda
1/14 Reversal
7/14 NED, CEA 1.8
12/14 CLEAR CT scan! NED

http://kickingasscancer.com/

SoConfused
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Re: Family rant

Postby SoConfused » Mon Aug 19, 2013 12:20 pm

this is such a relevant topic for me today ... and I was so happy to see others posting because I woke up with a feeling of self-doubt this morning. My in-laws are in town "visiting" for two weeks. Their idea of a visit is spending HOURS, literally, hours at various shopping malls buying essentially all things in sight.

Their other son and daughter-in-law don't have patience for their BS --- so they usually bring their shopping lists to our reunions. Though they have rarely done me wrong to my face, my mother-in-laws mere presence ticks me off. We have nothing in common and she just walks around passing judgement with her looks. She is a religious nut and her world is so freaking small - she can barely fit into it. I just want to pull my hair out. Pray for me as I do my best to get through the next two weeks.
Stage IV CC

hddad228
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Re: Family rant

Postby hddad228 » Mon Aug 19, 2013 2:06 pm

finaly a place i can vent, my wife is basicly good to me in making sure i am alive, getting me to the dr, and ensuring i get fed and keep my water level up. my kids are my kids, teen agers with much more going on in their lives that than need to bother with what i have going on in mine, as long as i am there to keep the car running or to dole out the gas money, they are all good, mom, dad, sisters and other relatives all live out of state so all i have is me, and basicly my wife to contend with, what she does not understand is that sometimes i just need a little re-enforcment of her appriciation for me, i am greatful that she cares for me, but i still need more as a person, a little intamacy goes along way, and i dont just mean on the sexual side, god know i am no where near doing any thing like that even though i may think i would like to, but how about something other than how do you feel? have you taken your meds? have you finsished your water? how about thanks for doing this for me, when we are done we are going to do something fun, i may seem selfish and self centerd on this, but i am the one who loses days on end being sick,worries about losing the all providing job, i just may have to open my mouth on this one
Diognosed april 2103
Colon resection may 2013
Clear PET SCAN JULY 2913
CHEMO PORT July 2013
FolFox started 07/29
5Fu pump started 7/29

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Kathryn in MN
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Re: Family rant

Postby Kathryn in MN » Mon Aug 19, 2013 7:49 pm

hddad228 wrote:finaly a place i can vent, my wife is basicly good to me in making sure i am alive, getting me to the dr, and ensuring i get fed and keep my water level up. my kids are my kids, teen agers with much more going on in their lives that than need to bother with what i have going on in mine, as long as i am there to keep the car running or to dole out the gas money, they are all good, mom, dad, sisters and other relatives all live out of state so all i have is me, and basicly my wife to contend with, what she does not understand is that sometimes i just need a little re-enforcment of her appriciation for me, i am greatful that she cares for me, but i still need more as a person, a little intamacy goes along way, and i dont just mean on the sexual side, god know i am no where near doing any thing like that even though i may think i would like to, but how about something other than how do you feel? have you taken your meds? have you finsished your water? how about thanks for doing this for me, when we are done we are going to do something fun, i may seem selfish and self centerd on this, but i am the one who loses days on end being sick,worries about losing the all providing job, i just may have to open my mouth on this one


No one is a mind reader. You need to have a serious and ongoing dialogue with your wife about your needs and expectations AND her needs and expectations. This is hard on both of you, and letting it be the elephant in the room gets you no where. If it is too hard to approach on your own, get a third party - counselor, clergy, someone to facilitate the conversation to help you both.
CRC AUG09 Age 47
Sig Res T4a N2a Mx, KRAS mut codon13
Mets bones & nodes
FOLFOX, FOLFIRI, Avastin, Radiation
Irinotecan, Zaltrap & STAR RFA
APR13 pleurisy & ascites - more chemo & draining
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kathrynblume

mm66ny
Posts: 427
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:11 pm

Re: Family rant

Postby mm66ny » Tue Aug 20, 2013 12:04 pm

hddad228 wrote:finaly a place i can vent, my wife is basicly good to me in making sure i am alive, getting me to the dr, and ensuring i get fed and keep my water level up. my kids are my kids, teen agers with much more going on in their lives that than need to bother with what i have going on in mine, as long as i am there to keep the car running or to dole out the gas money, they are all good, mom, dad, sisters and other relatives all live out of state so all i have is me, and basicly my wife to contend with, what she does not understand is that sometimes i just need a little re-enforcment of her appriciation for me, i am greatful that she cares for me, but i still need more as a person, a little intamacy goes along way, and i dont just mean on the sexual side, god know i am no where near doing any thing like that even though i may think i would like to, but how about something other than how do you feel? have you taken your meds? have you finsished your water? how about thanks for doing this for me, when we are done we are going to do something fun, i may seem selfish and self centerd on this, but i am the one who loses days on end being sick,worries about losing the all providing job, i just may have to open my mouth on this one


Not only, as Kathryn said, is your wife not a mind reader, but believe it or not she is going through her own struggle. When I was diagnosed and then went through treatment, I think it was probably harder on my wife than me. She may feel completely powerless, has to face the prospect of life without you, and when you're strung out on chemo she has to deal with everything. There has been a complete shift in the dynamic in your household. Not to sound dramatic or flippant, but yeah, you might die but guess who has to carry on on her on with all that loss? It's daunting to think about it. Cut her some slack and talk to her. Ask her how SHE'S doing.

Now, on the subject of family, it's amazing how my father became "the cancer patient's father" and my sister became "the cancer patient's sister." while I get it, it felt like that became the issue and how they needed this and that, and I had to subordinate my own needs and wants for theirs. Life has nt been the same with them ever since.
Dx RC, T3N1M0, Feb. 2009
LAR, Ileostomy June 2009
12 Folfox tx
Ileostomy takedown Jan. 2010
June 2014 five years NED
Age 48
married w/7 children
Generally irresponsible

Mummabear
Posts: 169
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Re: Family rant

Postby Mummabear » Tue Aug 27, 2013 11:27 am

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry you've had to deal with such behavior, I agree it is probably better they left early! DH's family has driven me nuts since the day we married 17 years ago, but since his dx they have gotten 100x worse. A few months after he was diagnosed his sister (who lives on the other side of the country and only called once every couple of months, and visits maybe once every couple of years) told me I had no clue how she was feeling. She said "he might be your husband, but this is my baby brother, I've known him his whole life!" No, you're right I don't have any clue how his sister is feeling, but this is the father of my children, the man I've woken up to every day of our 19 years together. Yes if one of my brothers were dx with cancer, I would be devastated, but it wouldn't have the same impact as my husband.

I could go on for days with the things his family has said/done to me, we live 3+ hours from the closest member of either of our families, but we've had his mother call from the next town over and say "oh, I'm in such and such I should be there in 15 minutes" um you've been driving for over 3 hours and you just now call to say you're spending a few days ...in our home? Ugh

I will keep you all in my prayers, and the crazy family members too:)
Husband diagnosed stage 4 rectal cancer 4/2012 at age 41
Rec,col, lymph, liver, lungs & spleen
Ileostomy April 2012
12 oxaliplatin, 5fu,leukavorin, avastin
21treatments chemo
Avastin -discontinued
Free from cancer 01/20/14 rest in peace my love


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