I'm sorry

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justin case
Posts: 4269
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2011 8:26 am
Location: Katy, Texas

I'm sorry

Postby justin case » Thu Jul 25, 2013 9:03 pm

I really should not have to share my disgust of this statement! So, your sorry, what can I do about that. Are you sorry because you don't fell good about yourself, or just a sorry individual? How does it help me if your sorry, it surely can't help you. This is just a rant, and I'm not sorry I wrote it, are you?
Regards,
Michael
7/11 diagnosed Stage 2 colon and rectal cancer
chemo/rad
lar/temp ilio
Reversal & port removal
21 round of chemo Folfox 9tx, 5fu 12 tx
Last treatment July 2012

PainInTheAss
Posts: 673
Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 3:08 am

Re: I'm sorry

Postby PainInTheAss » Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:33 pm

I started hearing this when my mom died when I was young.

I used to think to myself, "Don't apologize. You didn't kill her."

It also comes off as "I'm sorry for you" and the last thing you really want to feel is pitied.

But the truth is that people just don't know what to say. They are conditioned by society to say "I'm sorry" when they hear bad news. They are just ignorant about how it sounds and what might be a better wording to express how they feel, Like maybe, "it makes me sad to hear you are going through this. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know."

I'm sure I've said "I'm sorry," too without thinking. I try to be conscious of my word choices and say what I actually mean rather than just spit out a conditioned response. And for that, I apologize! haha
47yo single mom of 4 (24, 21, 18, 16) at Dx
6/13 - RC T4b IIIc 5LNs on PET CEA 5.4
8/13 - Finish chemorad
10/13 - APR/hyst+ovaries/perm colostomy 2/12 nodes+
6/14 - Finish Xelox 6 rds
1/15 - CT clear CEA 0.2
10/15 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.7
4/16 - CT clear
10/16 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.6
5/17 - PET clear? Follow up MRI to verify inflammation

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Bev G
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Facebook Username: Bev Golde
Location: Quechee, VT

Re: I'm sorry

Postby Bev G » Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:34 pm

Michael,

I really hope you feel better soon.

Hugs to you,

Bev
58 yo Type1 DM 48 years
12/09 Stage IV 2/22 nodes + liver met, colon resec
3 tx FOLFIRI, liver resec 4/10
9/10 6 mos off chemo, Neg PET&CTC CEA nl
2/11 finished total 10 rounds chemo

9/13 ^17th clean PET/CT NED for now

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raym
Posts: 1263
Joined: Sat Apr 16, 2011 11:08 am
Location: South Central PA

Re: I'm sorry

Postby raym » Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:58 pm

On the lighter side (and I'm guilty for the phrase)..Years ago when my wifes father passed away our kids were young (like 6 and 4). I told my son to tell his Nona (wife's mom) "I'm sorry"...he countered "Why? I didn't do it!"
3/11 IIIC +/FOLFOX
4/12 HIPEC
6/12 Chmo/Rad
9/12 XELIRI+Avast/Zltra
9/13 Plvic Absc,stpd chemo
11/13 Tumr rmvd frm Lap Port incis
12/13 Xeloda
1/14 Cardiac Issue no Xeloda/5FU
3/14 Irinotecan
6/14 Stopped chemo
8/14 Clin Trial
9/14 Infectn - Stpd Trial

NWgirl
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Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:24 am
Facebook Username: Belle Piazza
Location: Battle Ground, Washington

Re: I'm sorry

Postby NWgirl » Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:21 pm

I do say this often. I mean "I'm sorry you are going through this" - and I try to clarify that when I say it.

BUT - and this makes no sense at all - I really don't like it when people say it to me because it makes me feel like they feel sorry for me - and I don't want a pity party.
Belle - "Don't Retreat - Reload"DX 10/07 Stage III Rectal
Surgery 11/07; 27 of 38 nodes
Perm Colostomy 8/11
12/10 recurrence lungs & LN's
VATS Jan 2011
Radiation Oct 2013
Chemo for Life
2012 Colondar Model

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Burntcookie
Posts: 42
Joined: Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:05 am

Re: I'm sorry

Postby Burntcookie » Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:27 am

I'm a big sorry sayer. It's the best I got. It's the best most of us got. I can't speak for other people, but when I say it, it means "I'm sorry (acknowledge) you are going through this". To say anything more could be unintentionally cruel or hurtful.
Mom dx CC stg IV @70
11/12 total colectomy, mets peritoneum
1/13 folfox
2/13 +avastin
3/13 reaction. chemo stopped
4/13 xeloda
10/13 progression
12/13 debulking (failed)
3/14 hospice
3/29/14 heaven

mackswife
Posts: 263
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 7:11 pm
Location: Atlanta, Ga.

Re: I'm sorry

Postby mackswife » Fri Jul 26, 2013 9:27 am

Another rant....sometimes (I think) we just don't give people a break. Most of the time, folk are well-intended, and our hurt, pain and sickness truly cause them heartache. I think the phrase "I'm sorry" covers the bases on many levels:

"I'm sorry you are going through this"
"I'm sorry I don't know how to make it better for you,"
"I'm sorry my heart aches at the news I just heard about your situation."
"I'm sorry any expression of regret, sorrow, or upset causes you more discomfort or anger."

I could go on and on, but really, I think we need to show people a little more grace. My husband ( a preacher) announced his diagnosis and plans for up-coming surgery to our congregation from the pulpit the Sunday after his colonoscopy and biopsy. After the service,the first person who approached me said, "I know just how you feel....you know that's what "my Ralph" died of." And my response to her was, "oh my, I'm sorry this announcement brings back so many sad memories for you." She didn't mean to hurt me... she was just reacting. And I didn't mean to cause her pain with my comment of "I'm sorry." Most of us are just doing the best we can.

Michael, I join Bev is hoping you feel better soon.

Pattie
Husband IIIC;
7/12 - resection; 12 rounds folfox
CT/PET scans 4/13, 9/13 - NED
CT scan 3/14 - liver/LN mets
5/2/14- failed liver resection - peri. mets.
6 rounds of iri/avastin
8/26/14 - failed liver resect/HIPEC. dse. progression
9/14 - 3/15 - progression on chemo
3/23/15 - treatment stopped; working the bucket list

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BrownBagger
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Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: Central NYS

Re: I'm sorry

Postby BrownBagger » Fri Jul 26, 2013 11:02 am

Our society has become a lot more crass in recent years, but I think saying something like "That sucks!" is more appropriate than the old, more polite, "I'm sorry" standby.

'Cause it does suck.

When somebody looks at me and says, "I'm sorry," I usually respond with something like, "Well, don't be, because I'm doing fine."
Eric, 58
Dx: 3/09, Stage 4 RC
Recurrences: (ongoing, lung, bronchial cavity, ribs)
Major Ops: 6/ RFA: 3 /bronchoscopies: 8
Pelvic radiation: 5 wks. Bronchial radiation—brachytheray: 3 treatments
Chemo Rounds (career):136
Current Chemo Cocktail: Xeloda & Erbitux & Irinotecan biweekly
Current Cocktail; On the Wagon (mostly)
Bicycle miles post-dx 10,477
Motto: Live your life like it's going to be a long one, because it just might, and then you'll be glad you did.

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Rob in PA
Posts: 2022
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:16 pm
Location: Pennsylvania

Re: I'm sorry

Postby Rob in PA » Fri Jul 26, 2013 2:38 pm

I agree with BB....I prefer people to just look me straight in the eye and say "man that really SUCKS!" or "Dude, that bites". Yup, it does. LOL :shock:
dx 11/07 crc IIIb @ 39
Xelox/Rad/ temp colostomy
LAR/J-pouch/ temp ileo
Folfox-8
Failed reversal
2/09 liver mets; liver resect/ileo reversal
Folfiri/Avastin - 12
2/11 5 lung mets
Folfiri/Avastin 2011
SBRT 3/12
Lung met 5/13/ said NO to more chemo
SBRT 8/13
2 lung mets 5/14, VATS 8/14, NED

Flightmedic
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Jul 05, 2013 5:45 am

Re: I'm sorry

Postby Flightmedic » Fri Jul 26, 2013 4:48 pm

The people I associate with (old military buddies), when they found out, the responses varied from:

"so? Do you want a medal or something?"
"ok, big deal! You have a new job to do....beat it"
"Keep living...when the Grim Reaper shows up to tap on the shoulder and tell you to get on the truck, THEN you are done...not until then."
"Good...I hated your hair for 15 years...bald is beautiful baby."

My friends are bastards, but they are my bastards....and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have never had a pity party....and they will never let me.

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Bev G
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Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:19 pm
Facebook Username: Bev Golde
Location: Quechee, VT

Re: I'm sorry

Postby Bev G » Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:27 pm

Flightmedic wrote:The people I associate with (old military buddies), when they found out, the responses varied from:

"so? Do you want a medal or something?"
"ok, big deal! You have a new job to do....beat it"
"Keep living...when the Grim Reaper shows up to tap on the shoulder and tell you to get on the truck, THEN you are done...not until then."
"Good...I hated your hair for 15 years...bald is beautiful baby."

My friends are bastards, but they are my bastards....and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have never had a pity party....and they will never let me.


LIKE [X]
58 yo Type1 DM 48 years
12/09 Stage IV 2/22 nodes + liver met, colon resec
3 tx FOLFIRI, liver resec 4/10
9/10 6 mos off chemo, Neg PET&CTC CEA nl
2/11 finished total 10 rounds chemo

9/13 ^17th clean PET/CT NED for now

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BrownBagger
Posts: 7954
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:56 pm
Location: Central NYS

Re: I'm sorry

Postby BrownBagger » Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:40 pm

Bev G wrote:LIKE [X]


Me too.
Eric, 58
Dx: 3/09, Stage 4 RC
Recurrences: (ongoing, lung, bronchial cavity, ribs)
Major Ops: 6/ RFA: 3 /bronchoscopies: 8
Pelvic radiation: 5 wks. Bronchial radiation—brachytheray: 3 treatments
Chemo Rounds (career):136
Current Chemo Cocktail: Xeloda & Erbitux & Irinotecan biweekly
Current Cocktail; On the Wagon (mostly)
Bicycle miles post-dx 10,477
Motto: Live your life like it's going to be a long one, because it just might, and then you'll be glad you did.

vickitwo
Posts: 696
Joined: Thu Apr 26, 2012 9:56 am
Location: USA

Re: I'm sorry

Postby vickitwo » Fri Jul 26, 2013 5:54 pm

I think most people mean well but just don't know what to say. "I'm sorry" to me means "I care" or something along those lines. I have noticed that many on this forum take offense to the statement "but you look so good". Again, I think people are just looking for something positive to say. I would rather that my DH look good rather than look like what you would expect from his sucky diagnosis of stage IV CC. :)
Vicki

DH Dx 1/2012 @ age 52
stage IV CC
transverse colon,omentum, cecum,liver,lungs,L5
9 rounds of Folfox, Avastin,
5FU/Leucovorin/Avastin
radiation tx to L5 and hips
Folfiri/Zaltrap
12/13/13 Folfox/Avastin
1/4/2014 passed away @ Hospice House- age 54

justin case
Posts: 4269
Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2011 8:26 am
Location: Katy, Texas

Re: I'm sorry

Postby justin case » Fri Jul 26, 2013 6:27 pm

Bev G wrote:Michael,

I really hope you feel better soon.

Hugs to you,

Bev


Thanks Bev,
I'm not really feeling bad, but I am sorry I'm old enough to have an Andy Rooney moment :?
Hugs,
Michael
7/11 diagnosed Stage 2 colon and rectal cancer
chemo/rad
lar/temp ilio
Reversal & port removal
21 round of chemo Folfox 9tx, 5fu 12 tx
Last treatment July 2012

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CRguy
Posts: 10473
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: I'm sorry

Postby CRguy » Fri Jul 26, 2013 6:53 pm

Jeez dude I am so sorry .... that you are sorry .....
what a sorry lot we are :shock:

seriously, I actually told a doc once : " why are you sorry you didn't give me cancer, as far as I know ..."
not my doctor anymore, but I'm really not that sorry about it :twisted:

Cheers and Harmony bro'
Caregiver x 4
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
17 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far


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