Wives of Stage III husbands!

[Smiley2]

Hello..

Just wondering how other wives/caregivers cope with having 'Low Thoughts' every now and again as I'm struggling?

My husband has had surgery and chemotherapy followed by a clear CT Scan BUT I'm still terrified about the future!

Would love to hear from anyone in the same position....

[Jimswife]

I'm one !!!! How long was your husband diagnosed ? Was he 3a b or c. ? I still wonder about the future too but no it's beyond our control , all clear now and we take a lot of supplements / excersise / eat well / attend scans / be vigilant ... That's all we can do and just hope that all will be ok x

[cancerfighterswife]

Hi there! I'm one too! My husband is 37 with stage 3b rectal cancer. It's hard to be the strong one and stay positive all the time. My husband had surgery, has had 4 chemo treatments, and starts radiation on the 24th. I have my weak moments. The key is to have a great support system to let you break down every once and awhile. I don't want to worry my husband but sometimes he is the best one to talk to. I have found that this forum helps me out a ton, as well as him. I try to focus on the positives and read the stories about the many people that are cancer survivors! We have realized that the "feeling" will always be there, but are doing everything we can to eat well and have a healthy lifestyle!

[lydia123]

Yup. Three years out just last month.

Yup. Lots o' tough thoughts. Gets easier.

[kirac]

I talk to my friends, family and go out to relax (massages, dinner, etc.). I don't talk to my husband about it that often because I do feel like I need to be the strong one. For us, the petscan was also clear, so now I feel like we just have to get through the rest of treatment. I'm sure that every time we do another scan, it will be worrisome until we get positive results, but I don't even look that far ahead now.

[smiley2]

Hi! Thank you for your replies..

Sorry I thought I had created a 'Signature' but it didn't come up underneath my post Anyway, the official diagnosis was T4,N1,M0. (I don't know if that would a,b or c as they don't seem to use that here in the UK, but I think it must be a b)

My husband was diagnosed October 2012, had hemi-surgery on November 2012, and then was very poorly with a wound infection so Chemo' was delayed for 12 weeks, which was completed in March.

Unfortunately, I don't have any family and my husband's parents are elderly (They don't seem to take a lot in) and our friends seem to think that because the first CT Scan was clear, then my husband is completely cured. I don't think they understand but then I guess, who does unless they're thrown into this terrible journey. My husband is also my 'Rock' but I've only broken down a couple of times in front of him when it overwhelms me!

Thank you SO much for sharing your stories, it helps so much!

[Jimswife]

I'm a uk girl too ... Based near Manchester ... Yes t4 n1 is a 3b , my husband was t3 n1 so very similar diagnosis , my husband was diagnosed oct 11 , family history of it , he was 43 at the time. Our lives will never be the same and we have to accept that , also we don't know what will happen in future , we are positive , the odds are most Definatly in our favour and stage 3 colon cancer is cureable , who will be cured and who won't ? Only time will tell x

[JennyB]

Hi Smiley -- I'm a stage III wife too! (Hey, maybe we could start a reality show, or a show like Footballer's Wive$). My husband was diagnosed stage IIIC at age 34 in March of 2009. So far, everything is clear. At first, especially around scan time, I was super anxious. It does get better as time goes by, but I don't think I will ever not have an itch in the back of my mind. He has also been through the ringer as far as his ileo reversal goes. That really made him more ill than anything. It just didn't take, and he ended up losing about 60 lbs, and he wasn't heavy to begin with. But he now has a permanent ileostomy and has his life back. He feels great and doesn't even think about the cancer except around checkups with his oncologist. So basically it does get easier over time, but there is always something there. Please feel free to contact me anytime if you need to talk!

[skypup]

Hi all you wonderful women! I'm sticking my nose in here 'cause I was dx at stage 3. Just wanted to mention something from my experience as a patient. I found I had to be strong for everyone else and ended up with no one who was able to talk about deep things with me; it was very lonely and hard, even though my family and friends do love me. This may be something you can do for your husband -- maybe just see if he is also being strong for you but perhaps would like to talk more. Of course, it may be that men don't want to talk more! Another thing that happens to stage 3 folks, both patients and caregivers, is that when chemo is done the rest of the world thinks one is cured and life is just back to normal. It's not, as we know, and you will be so fortunate to have each other to talk to through that surprisingly difficult period. If you have questions as you go along, this is a great place to find answers. (((wives)))

[Smiley2]

Yes, I think I find the aspect of friends and family thinking that as my husband's first scan was clear, that he is 100% cured.

Thank you so much for your replies, it makes me feel that I'm not on my own here. I guess time will tell if my husband will be one of the lucky ones, and we do talk about it. I just find it very difficult to push any panic about the future to the back of my mind until the next Ultrasound (The next one is a liver ultrasound in November) The oncologist told us that IF bowel cancer comes back, then 97% do so within 18 months and THAT scares me the most! Our son is in the final year of school and our daughter is off to University within that time

I also panic that we are not using the time together in case it does come back! Does that make sense?

[pmterra]

Hi!
Everything that you are feeling is so familiar. Every scan brings anxiety especially in the first couple of years. Being a stage 3C, we were told that my husband was a very high risk to have a recurrence. That was always in the back of mind. I can't believe it has been five years but it is. His surgery was on 6/16/08 and that's when we considered him cancer free even though he went through 6 months of chemo. His 5 year oncology appointment is on Monday. He's just had a PET/CT and it was all clear! I don't know what happens after this but I've always heard 5 years is a huge milestone. I have to say that this past year it has been much easier as far as thinking about cancer. Up until then it was never far from my thoughts. I'm so happy we got to this point and I will make a conscious effort not to worry about it coming back. Truthfully I know bad things can happen when you're not paying attention so I'll try to focus on one day at a time and enjoy each moment as it comes. I hope our experience gives you hope. I know what it feels like where you are and it always gave me a little peace of mind to hear of someone else's positive news. Thanks for starting this thread - I know there are so many of us out there feeling like we're the only one feeling the way we do. You aren't alone and it's so helpful to "talk" to others who are in a similar position.

A clear scan always gives friends (and family) a reason to assume that everything is okay and the patient is cured. Unfortunately, you don't know until it happens to you. It's frustrating for sure. I wish you and your husband well and years of clear scans and NED.

~Paula

[Jimswife]

Yay Paula ...... So happy for you and andy , may he be cancer free forever , I still read the book you sent me and think of you often , you have both come so far and have hopefully beaten this , 5 years is such a huge milestone where it's is "considered cured " ..... I'll be glad to get past 2 years never mind 5 as I've heard most reccurance happen within 2 years ,we hit that mark in October , still very scary but try not to think of it every waking moment and live life as if it ISN'T going to come back , only time will tell x

[smiley2]

You're all obviously a lot stronger than me as I always seem to be (Secretly) terrified and/or in tears! We are so early into a life after chemo and all I just want to do is see into the future. I'm struggling really...

I don't know about you all but I've also 'lost' some people who I thought were good friends as they didn't even contact me after they knew about my husband's diagnosis. I guess that makes it all the more isolating. Most of my friends think that R is 'cured' as he has had nine months of hell but is now looking 'well' and is back at work full time!

[JennyB]

You're all obviously a lot stronger than me as I always seem to be (Secretly) terrified and/or in tears! We are so early into a life after chemo and all I just want to do is see into the future. I'm struggling really...

I don't know about you all but I've also 'lost' some people who I thought were good friends as they didn't even contact me after they knew about my husband's diagnosis. I guess that makes it all the more isolating. Most of my friends think that R is 'cured' as he has had nine months of hell but is now looking 'well' and is back at work full time!

Smiley -- I can't speak for the others, but I promise you I was a total mess when Scott got first diagnosed. Add to that, I was six months pregnant, so the hormones were not helping! All I could think about at the time is that our son was not going to know his father. I would have little breakdowns often and was totally struggling. What you are going through right now does not mean you are not strong! I wish I could predict the future for you, but please do know that the prognosis for stage III'ers is better than ever. DON'T read stats on the Internet. They are at least 5 years old and very misleading.

I too lost friends and people say really stupid things. One of my friends was in the same hospital having her son when Scott was recovering from his surgery. I was mentioning how I was scared I was going to be a widow in my 30's and she completely dismissed me saying, "You're NOT going to be a widow. God." This is the same person who constantly complains about IBS and claimed she almost died when she had her second child (she had a very minor complication during her c-section). She just didn't like not being the center of attention. A lot of other friends just didn't know how to handle it. Others would say "Oh, my cousin died of colon cancer..." or "At least they caught it early, right?' Um, no. But others were great and just brought over dinner or offered to run errands. Our lawn service guy mowed our lawn for free for three months! People may do nice things out of the woodwork when you least expect it.

You may want to look into local caregiver groups so you can be with other people who understand what you are going through. I don't know if your city has a Gilda's Club or other type of organization, but it is definitely something to look into.

Please feel free to PM me anytime as well, because I do know what you are going through.

[lydia123]

You're all obviously a lot stronger than me as I always seem to be (Secretly) terrified and/or in tears! We are so early into a life after chemo and all I just want to do is see into the future. I'm struggling really...

I don't know about you all but I've also 'lost' some people who I thought were good friends as they didn't even contact me after they knew about my husband's diagnosis. I guess that makes it all the more isolating. Most of my friends think that R is 'cured' as he has had nine months of hell but is now looking 'well' and is back at work full time!

Stronger than you? No, not really. Of course you are terrified. Try and find a cancer friend -- someone somewhere who has been through it as a caregiver or a spouse. I don't care if you think you are close. Most likely that person will be happy to "pay it forward" and help you sort this out. If you know someone caregiving, step up and do for them. It really helps. Join an advocacy group. You will meet the most amazing people who will "get it"

and then, give yourself a break.

Lost people? Yeah, think of it as a blessing. You may also have found people. Look around at who does the small kindnesses and pursue those friendships.

Cured: Yeah, that's it. We got chewed out by my dad for bowing out of events when we were still too tired and gloomy.

When you can pm, send me one. Clearly I am not "over it all" yet.