Stupid things ppl tell you...

[Sunwaterandsky]

I was upset by people who kept telling me that I didn't look sick. I know I looked okay and that they were trying to help me, but I was exhausted and scared and I knew I was sick.

I was shocked at the people that told me that I shouldn't have chemo and that, if I just ate the right thing or did the right yoga pose or read the right book I would be fine.

I know that i have said insensitive things myself though, and I always tried to keep that in mind and forgive people when i was offended.

[ams5796]

I could definitely write a book about all the stupid things people have said over the past six and a half years. A couple that stand out the most are, once in the very beginning, when I was in that very deer in headlights stage, a woman(who I don't know very well) came up to me at my son's basketball game and told me how sorry she was that I was dealing with this. She heard about it through the grapevine and then she proceeded to tell me that her husband had just died of colon cancer. So, she shook her head and said "I hate to tell you this, but most people die of it." And me, so desperately not wanting to hear that said that my doctor said I'm going to be alright and I can beat this. She then said "well, that's what they told him too." Needless to say I still avoid her if I see her around town.

The other one that stands out is when I was out with my then twelve year old son and after telling a woman at an event that I was dealing with cancer, she then asked in front of my son if I was going to die. Ugh, really? My mailman also told me how sad he was about my cancer and how everyone he knew lately was dying of cancer.

So, yes. people don't get it.


Ann

[katsheba]

I also try to cut people slack because I know I've probably bumbled and said some stupid stuff to someone going through something difficult...that said, I have been floored by some of the things people say. This one makes me crazy: You just have to look at this as an opportunity!

[Sassyplantgirl]

People tell me I make cancer look easy. What???????

Just because I choose to not make this what my life is about does not make this easy. I try to do what I can with the little hair I have left and put on my makeup so I can maintain so kind of normal. Cancer sucks but will never be easy.

[skypup]

...she shook her head and said "I hate to tell you this, but most people die of it."

And I had a woman whose husband died of CC who said to me, "Oh, you are not facing anything like we did. Treatments have gotten so much better now." Seriously? Needless to say, I avoid her, too. Note the royal "we".

[Cb75]

My personal favorite comment is "at least they caught it early". I know this was already mentioned, butit gets me every time. Yeah, if you consider stage iv early. Then when I try to explain, no one wants to listen. You can see them tuning out. I guess it's too much to thinkthat someone at my age in good Heath is facing this disease.

My mother in law told my husband after her mom was recently diagnosed with crc that stage III and iv are death sentences. Granted she and her family don't know what I am going through. I bet you can understand why....

Carmen

[abuttigi]

Omgosh, I had a similar comment about someone cat having cancer, how she knows exactly how I feel! What? Your cat? My husband? What?

Ridiculous! This reminds me, my friend is going through a breakup with from his partner of 4 years. He texted me the other day, upset, saying that he knows exactly how I feel and he just wants to talk to him again. He also said that people who say its going to be alright has never lost someone they love. That's right folks, lost. I didn't tell him how it made me feel to hear him say that because he was upset, and I've never been in a long relationship so I don't know how that feels, but I can't imagine it feeling anything (better or worse) like I feel.

Angie

[Bev G]

...she shook her head and said "I hate to tell you this, but most people die of it."

And I had a woman whose husband died of CC who said to me, "Oh, you are not facing anything like we did. Treatments have gotten so much better now." Seriously? Needless to say, I avoid her, too. Note the royal "we".

------my personal favorite!!! "we" and "our"---"OMG, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you had cancer, too!"

[katsheba]

My personal favorite comment is "at least they caught it early". I know this was already mentioned, butit gets me every time. Yeah, if you consider stage iv early. Then when I try to explain, no one wants to listen. You can see them tuning out. I guess it's too much to thinkthat someone at my age in good Heath is facing this disease.

Carmen

THIS!!! I get this all the time, and it makes me crazy.

[Kathryn in MN]

The list is endless... and the longer I live, the weirder it gets... the worst ones are other cancer patients who are "cured" of lower stages and are certain it was because of X, Y or Z and that I have to try what they did. They don't stop to consider that most likely they had a surgical cure - not a cure from eating special pits or whatever. I give those who never had cancer a break. But those who have had it I expect to be better educated and more compassionate. Most are. But some are complete idiots. No different than normal daily life I guess.

I still cringe every time I think of something I did years ago when I was one of the clueless. I called my friend (she wasn't home, so I talked to her husband, thank goodness - better him than her) and asked if they had heard about the possible link between antiperspirant and breast cancer (she had breast cancer). I had just seen it on the news, and quickly had to share with them. How stupid was that? She already had it. Even if this was an issue, it was a bit late to bring it up... after I called, I realized what a stupid thing I did. It still haunts me over 10 years later.

[Ashlee H.]

I got so tired of people sending me e-mails or telling me about the "magic cure" they heard about - and that it really works. I finally told these people I have a top notch team taking care of me, and feel comfortable with their knowledge and training. I thank them for their "advice", but have told them I am not interested....however, when they get cancer, they can try their cure and let me know the results. I very rarely get cure suggestions anymore.
I have appreciated friends who have no knowledge about cancer, ask me how chemo works - at least they are trying to understand what I am going through. Most think you should feel great on your off week - and sometimes that is the worse week for me.
I try to give people a break with their comments - because most of their knowledge about cancer if from TV or the movies. However, I also try to take the opportunity to educate them about the real facts. Heck, prior to my DX, I also thought Stage IV meant death was near - I am living proof that is not the case. Too bad I had to experience it myself to learn that fact.

[smokeyjoe]

I think the worst thing someone said to me was a nurse when I was going to get my port put in .... don't know why she didn't really look at the paperwork, but she exclaimed to me "congratulations on getting your port removed". Huh, I'm here to have it put in, and I was so so very stressed and afraid .... she then said "well, they caught it early" ..... I just looked at her about to burst out in tears and shook my head no. Then in a voice that wasn't too comforting said "oh, I'm so sorry" it didn't come off that way in her tone ..... it was more like well it sucks to be you kinda tone. Sheesh I had just been told stage 1V, incurable, petrified of chemo., not knowing what to expect , crying all the way down in the car and then HER!!!

[Guinevere]

"You look so good!" See rant I posted on this thread http://coloncancersupport.colonclub.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=41618&view=unread#p296704 . Oh yeah, a guy that works with DH said after he met me how good I look and DH said, "Yeah, she hates it when say that sh..!" He said the look on the guy's face was priceless!
"Here's some information on how lemons/asparagus/garlic/ginger/juicing/standing on your head and farting Dixie...can help you defeat or prevent cancer..." Uh...I already have Stage IV colon cancer. Thanks very much...I know you mean well...
"You're still on chemo??" Then the horrified look when I explain I probably will be on chemo for life.
"All your hair didn't fall out!" Some did and some didn't and I ended up looking like mangy dog.
"Call me" "PM me". etc. Frankly, I don't call many to vent or complain - only my sisters and they "get it" as much as someone who hasn't had to live with it can. If someone calls me and asks how I'm doing, I tell them because, otherwise, why would they ask?? The standard, "I'm alright" is such a lie, I can't get it past my lips.
The royal "we"...since this was mentioned on this forum, it's amazing how often I've heard this!! DH and I just roll our eyes and chuckle a little. What else can you do??

[skypup]

Ahhh! I forgot one from so long ago it has faded, but it was my first STPS (stupid thing people say).

The GI doc who did my first colonoscopy, after telling me I had cancer and the tumor was so big he had to get out the pediatric gear, clearly wanted to get out of the office (I was the last pt on a Friday afternoon.) He shoved the pictures of "the cancer" into my hands, patted my knee, and said,"You're a nice lady. You'll be fine." I'm not sure if I was more confused by the drugs or the idea that my being nice (I kinda am) would have any bearing on cancer's trajectory.

[Kathryn in MN]

/standing on your head and farting Dixie...can help you defeat or prevent cancer..." Uh...I already have Stage IV colon cancer. Thanks very much...I know you mean well...

Oh, now that gave me a REALLY good laugh!!!!