Stupid things ppl tell you...

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Cb75
Posts: 1216
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2012 3:52 pm
Location: Ontario, Canada

Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby Cb75 » Wed May 08, 2013 3:10 pm

Today I had lunch with a colleague of mine who knows about my situation. The first thing she had to tell me about was that someone she knows had rectal cancer had died. That's all fine and dandy as we all have to face our own mortality when diagnosed with this disease. However, this particular individual was diagnosed stage two, who then had a recurrance and died three moths after the recurrance was found. Why is it that when people know you have cancer they have to tell you all kinds of stories about some they know or know of that has or had cancer, good or bad, etc. I know we all face the reali of this disease. I just find it more difficult to deal with this second hand stories from people who don't really know what it's like or have first hand knowlege. I know that no harm is meant, but I'd they thought about it a bit more maybe they would filter what they say. Just has to vent....

Carm
39y female Stage IV
diagnosed April 2012
sigmoid resect May 2012
liver resect Aug 2012
Folfox Oct 2012
lungs Sep 2013
R and L laser lung resection Nov 2013/Feb 2014
FOLFIRI and Avastin Apr 2014 ongoing...

NWgirl
Posts: 6659
Joined: Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:24 am
Facebook Username: Belle Piazza
Location: Battle Ground, Washington

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby NWgirl » Wed May 08, 2013 3:50 pm

I think my response to something like that will now be simply "I really don't need to hear that" or how about "and you're telling me this because.....?"

I know that people don't mean to be hurtful when they say these things, but I also think we need to politely speak up and let them know this isn't helping us to hear such stories. Sorry you had to sit through this Carm - maybe time to find a new lunch buddy?
Belle - "Don't Retreat - Reload"DX 10/07 Stage III Rectal
Surgery 11/07; 27 of 38 nodes
Perm Colostomy 8/11
12/10 recurrence lungs & LN's
VATS Jan 2011
Radiation Oct 2013
Chemo for Life
2012 Colondar Model

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juliej
Posts: 3114
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 12:59 pm

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby juliej » Wed May 08, 2013 4:10 pm

I would have said, "Was that meant to be helpful?" And then added, "If so, you really missed your mark!" And then walked away.

I'm with Belle - time to find a new lunch buddy. Sorry you had to go through this.
Stage IVb, liver/lung mets 8/4/2010
Xelox+Avastin 8/18/10 to 10/21/2011
LAR, liver resec, HAI pump 11/2011
Adjuvant Irinotecan + FUDR
Double lung surgery + ileo reversal 2/2012
Adjuvant FUDR + Xeloda
VATS rt. lung 12/2012 - benign granuloma!
VATS left lung 11/2013
NED 11/22/13 to 12/18/2019, CEA<1

Hapa
Posts: 388
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 2:46 pm

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby Hapa » Wed May 08, 2013 5:04 pm

The day after my Dh came home from 10 days in the hospital his friend came over. I greeted him at the door & told him that dh wasn't up to visitors. Then he proceeds to tell me that his mom went in for same surgery & was dead 2 weeks later.

I had also been in the hospital for 10 days with dh & was exhausted. I told him exactly what I thought about him -told
Him to go home & think about why that would upset me. Haven't seen him since.....
DH Stage 3 RC

Mummabear
Posts: 169
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 12:45 pm
Facebook Username: Colleen Saverese

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby Mummabear » Wed May 08, 2013 6:52 pm

I am so sorry you had to deal with such a stupid comment! I have had my share of dumb comments and its funny you posted this today, because I was going to write a "note" and publish it on facebook tonight, explaining all the things you shouldnt say or do to/for the spouse of or patient with cancer! DH was talking to a friend the other night that asked him if he has stopped eating meat and is eating more salads? Like that is going to cure him!
I just went through this today with DH's father. Since DH was diagnosed his father has called me on a daily basis, sometimes twice a day to tell me about a person, doctor, neighbor/'s friend that had the "same thing" as DH. They tried this/that/the other and are cancer free. Or he read and article in the paper/magazine, heard something on the radio/tv about these treatments "why aren't they freezing the cancer or using heat for the cancer?" Have you tried this, have you tried that?" I feel like saying "no, he isn't trying anything and just letting the cancer do wha it wants to!" Or even better " he is cured" just to make him stop!
I could go on and on, today was one of those days!
Husband diagnosed stage 4 rectal cancer 4/2012 at age 41
Rec,col, lymph, liver, lungs & spleen
Ileostomy April 2012
12 oxaliplatin, 5fu,leukavorin, avastin
21treatments chemo
Avastin -discontinued
Free from cancer 01/20/14 rest in peace my love

kiwiinoz
Posts: 1151
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 11:44 pm

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby kiwiinoz » Wed May 08, 2013 9:27 pm

The night I told my sister about my dx she has been smoking way too much of the Mary Jane and told me that she knew someone at the nursing home that she worked at that just died of colorectal cancer, and that it was my fault that I had not pushed my local doctor for a quicker diagnosis (my fault for getting cancer huh)
Suffice it to say that I don't really talk to my sister much.

On the other hand when my Dad died from cancer I texted a good friend of mine that is a survivor of 2 primary cancers (Bile Duct & Kidney) and thinking of it now I did that as they were both diagnosed at similar times and I wanted to share it with someone. From my perspective now I think it was the wrong thing to do. I am sure that this person wanted to share their emotions with someone that they felt could understand without thinking of the hurt that it could cause. What I mean is that any pain caused was most likely not intentional

Kiwi
Stage IV Rectal Cancer (39 Year old male at dx)
pT3N0M1 (wish that was M0)
Diagnosed 05 Dec 2012
LAR 05 Jan 2013
VATS 27 Feb 2013
FOLOFX April 2013 - Sep 2013
Clear Scan 03 Dec 2013 - 22 May 2019
Port Out 26 March 2015

skypup
Posts: 2598
Joined: Mon Dec 17, 2012 12:12 pm

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby skypup » Wed May 08, 2013 9:48 pm

Kiwi, I did something similar. My mom died of breast cancer that had gone to liver, bones and brain. I met a woman with exactly the same disease progression and told her about my mom with the intention of letting her know I understood something of the magnitude of what she had been through and what she faced every day. I think she heard it the way I meant it. I sure hope so!

The stupidest thing said to me: "You are so lucky to be able to lose weight without trying!" when Folfox was kicking my (then) skinny little butt.

sbrainbolt
Posts: 146
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2012 1:01 pm
Location: Houston, TX

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby sbrainbolt » Wed May 08, 2013 10:03 pm

How about this one....If you have to get cancer, well, colon cancer is the one to get! Really?
DX 1/12 50 yrs
LAR 2/12 CR 3A T1N1M0
chemo 3/12- 9/10/12 FOLFOX, issues with platelet counts every 4th treatment
CEA normal
CT 3/15 stable lung nods since 1/2012 NED.
SBO kinked small bowel 10/13 - LAPRO surgery to fix
yrly scans now
09/25/2017 - Graduated to the Survivorship Clinic at MDA! Cured!!!

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Rob in PA
Posts: 2004
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:16 pm
Location: Pennsylvania

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby Rob in PA » Wed May 08, 2013 10:23 pm

I agree with kiwi. Looking back, I can think of times when I said something to friends about delicate subjects without thinking of the other persons feelings. Now, I'm on the receiving end of those comments. Not saying to cut your friend slack...just saying I kind of relate to the situation. Would not be surprised if your friend realized after the fact that what he/she said was hurtful.

My 2 pennies.
Rob
dx 11/07 crc IIIb @ 39
Xelox/Rad/ temp colostomy
LAR/J-pouch/ temp ileo
Folfox-8
Failed reversal
2/09 liver mets; liver resect/ileo reversal
Folfiri/Avastin - 12
2/11 5 lung mets
Folfiri/Avastin 2011
SBRT 3/12
Lung met 5/13/ said NO to more chemo
SBRT 8/13
2 lung mets 5/14, VATS 8/14, NED

kiwiinoz
Posts: 1151
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 11:44 pm

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby kiwiinoz » Wed May 08, 2013 11:35 pm

sbrainbolt wrote:How about this one....If you have to get cancer, well, colon cancer is the one to get! Really?


Yeah, my colorectal surgeon told me exactly the same thing. Then went into the we can manage it as a chronic disease routine. I know we have covered the chronic disease thing before but we all have differing opinions. Rob in PA is "comfortable" with chronic, where I have not yet reached the point where I am happy with that label....guess I am still too much of a freshie

Me, I'd rather have the Lance Armstrong Stage IV testicular cancer, than mCRC (guess that is not an option with the ladies)

OK, another one. I was outside the oncology suite that I get my folfox infusions and they had a massive notice board with cancer support groups. Everything from Breast cancer, to metastatic breast cancer, kidney cancer, liver cancer, lung cancer, brain cancer but there was nothing, not a single thing about CRC. Advertising sponsered by the federal government here covers skin cancer & lung cancer on national tv but nothing on crc

Why do people not want to talk about it?
Stage IV Rectal Cancer (39 Year old male at dx)
pT3N0M1 (wish that was M0)
Diagnosed 05 Dec 2012
LAR 05 Jan 2013
VATS 27 Feb 2013
FOLOFX April 2013 - Sep 2013
Clear Scan 03 Dec 2013 - 22 May 2019
Port Out 26 March 2015

rehab1
Posts: 75
Joined: Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:30 pm

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby rehab1 » Thu May 09, 2013 12:06 am

......never ceases to amaze me.....yup, been told to CC is the BEST to have, ( a sure winner )...the ' best ' one yet for me was (and it certainly was devastating for this lady ).... " it's really to bad you have CC, I bet you wished you had prostate cancer like my husband, its much easier to beat " ... sadly her husband died a while later.
pete
2011 ~ stage 3a / surgery and then xeloda 6 months
2014 ~ ned

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tdsamal
Posts: 619
Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:49 am
Facebook Username: malby.tammy
Location: Salem Oregon

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby tdsamal » Thu May 09, 2013 12:58 am

I like many of you have had people say the stupidest things but this takes the cake. I was at my onc appt last week. We haven't been seeing eye to eye lately. I'm upset with him anyway and asked him point blank if my cancer has returned and he looks straight at me and says, "well you don't look like you have cancer". I just looked at him and said, "well what does cancer LOOK like because the tests are telling me I do have it". I still can't believe a Dr. would say that! If that is what he thinks then I should have never had my 1st surgery, little lone my chemo or my 2nd surgery. I just don't get stupid people.
Tammy
Dx st IV CC & colon resection 11/09
Way to much to list
Last recurrence December 2017

Oneeyeddog
Posts: 101
Joined: Sat Apr 06, 2013 11:06 am

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby Oneeyeddog » Thu May 09, 2013 4:35 am

I'm a newbie to all this. Post resection. T3N2M0. Chemo starts next week. Most of my friends have been lovely and, while sometimes not knowing quite what to say, have just been honest about it and said, they don't know what to say but they're thinking of me. That's enough for me, to know people are thinking of me. It doesn't matter whether it's a long e-mail or a text that just says, 'what's up dude."

I could write a book about the weird things people have said to me and I'm only 6 weeks after diagnosis. The most common refers to weight lost, or my favourite, "good job they caught it early" or "you'll be fine, if caught early, the cure rate is very high." Funny to me because 1) they didn't catch it early, although thankful it's not later. and 2) i think most people with cancer make themselves aware though docs, or the internet, what their chances are, so no need for people to tell you that.

of course, i shouldn't be Mr. Cancer Manners and i know it is an awkward situation for people and they do indeed mean well. i feel guilty for getting annoyed with people and am sure im just projecting my bad energies.

My favorite message though, after I posted about my cancer on Facebook, was from someone telling me 1) about a close friend they just lost to colon cancer 2) their own concern about their own rectum and whether he thought he should see a doctor (er, yeah) 3) morbid pseudo-spiritual reflections about the grand meaning of it all as if i had just announced i had terminal cancer. " It's the leaving the party first part of death that is the hardest part to take, I find" and then he ended with a flourish and an Eric Idle quote."you come from nothing, you go back to nothing and what have you lost? - nothing!"

Forget the cancer, after reading his message, I wanted to end it all myself there and then.

Sorry for the rant. It is a happy rant.

Positive thoughts to all,

OED
Colon cancer Stage 3c (dx April 2013) at age 36
Resection and temp ileostomy (4/17)
12 rounds of FOLFOX (May-Oct 2013)
NED (August 2014)
http://www.theoneeyeddog.com

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abuttigi
Posts: 669
Joined: Tue Feb 08, 2011 9:39 am
Location: SE Michigan

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby abuttigi » Thu May 09, 2013 6:17 am

The summer after my dad was diagnosed we were at a family barbecue. One of my aunt's sisters was talking to my dad and said "Well at least you are still with us!" My poor dad was crushed. I can't even begin to imagine how hearing that must have felt. Needless to say he never talked to her again :roll:

I've also had people tell me about their relatives that have died of cancer.... and one person thought it was relatable that her cat died.

Angie
Daughter to George (64)
Dx'ed Jan '11 Stage IV CC liver and peritoneum, KRAS mutant
Folfox
Folfori, Avastin
SIRT
Aug '12- progression in liver, mets to lungs
Oct '12- mets to bone, Regorafenib
Nov '12- Hospice
12/10/12- Became my beautiful angel in heaven

Mummabear
Posts: 169
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 12:45 pm
Facebook Username: Colleen Saverese

Re: Stupid things ppl tell you...

Postby Mummabear » Thu May 09, 2013 7:25 am

Omgosh, I had a similar comment about someone cat having cancer, how she knows exactly how I feel! What? Your cat? My husband? What?
Husband diagnosed stage 4 rectal cancer 4/2012 at age 41
Rec,col, lymph, liver, lungs & spleen
Ileostomy April 2012
12 oxaliplatin, 5fu,leukavorin, avastin
21treatments chemo
Avastin -discontinued
Free from cancer 01/20/14 rest in peace my love


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