Cancer & Damaged Relationships

[jean60]

This is a tough topic and I don't know if I should write about it, but this is the place where I feel I can talk about what I need to talk about. So here goes.
Sadly, I fear that my relationship with my husband has suffered greatly through this marathon. I would be remiss if I didn't say that there were some problems coming into this, but nothing that I would really call serious. Now I find myself, too often, questioning whether or not we will make it through this or frankly, if I WANT to stay. I think this disease can bring out the best and the worst in all of us and when I read the posts on here by and for caretakers who seem to be right there for their partner no matter what I often feel so cheated in my own situation.
This is actually not a whine fest. I just wonder if anyone else has experienced or heard of relationships ending after this kind of stress. I suspect the answer is yes, but I seem to need to test the waters so to speak.
I realize this could be a very sensitive subject and I am not asking for anyone's personal experience, just whatever you might be willing or able to contribute.
Thanks in advance,
Jean

[skypup]

Hi Jean. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this at a time when you need to garner strength. I can't speak to what happens with relationships, but I can talk about being single while going through treatment. It is hard and sometimes lonely, though perhaps the simplicity is a fair trade-off. One big, big whammy is trying to handle the financial impact of constant medical bills without an additional income. But perhaps this is not an issue for you--hope not! PM if you ever just need an ear.
With best wishes,
Theresa

[jean60]

Thanks so much, Theresa, I appreciate it. Yes, the financial impact would be a factor for me. I will say It is a sad thing to feel more alone with someone than when you are truly alone.

Jean

[skypup]

Well, Jean, this is JMHO, but I'd encourage you to stick with financial security until you get a few years NED under your belt if you can. It sounds cold to be so calculating, which I'd never be pre-cancer, but please don't end up having to worry about how to pay the mortgage at the same time you have to deal with metastatic disease (heaven forbid it comes to that.) Unless, of course, there really is no choice. And I understand what you mean about feeling more lonely than when alone. One word: girlfriends! If your husband can't show up in the way you need, ... girlfriends!

[simon031003]

I can only speak from a caregiver stand point. Yes, relationships change alot during cancer treatment. There are so many different emotions going on with both people. The patient is in shock disbelief pain and probably so many other things that we caregivers can't even imagine. the caregiver is also going through the shock and the possibilty of losing the love of their life. I am not sure if you have young children or grown children but that adds an additional element that goes into it. I believe that the personality of a caregiver has alot to do with how the relationship will progress. Our relationship has gone from being wonderful and great to being more of me being everything to him. I basically have to be in charge of taking care of every aspect of our lives. Most of the time I am all about it and can handle it, but to be completely honest there are some days that I am just emotionally drained from it all. I love my husband with all my heart and would never consider us being apart, but sometimes I miss the days where I didn't have to be everything to everyone all the time. When that happens, I usually lock myself in the bathroom and have a good cry and I am all better. Wish I had some advice, but just know you are not alone. I know others will chime in as they have more experience with this issue.

[sadysue]

I am one of the lucky ones who has a partner who has been totally supportive through the nightmare. We had bad patches before, during and after cancer treatment but are still together and happy and content with what we have. I have a girlfriend who was a stage 4 bone cancer patient and will be cancer free for 13 years in a few months. Amazing woman who was diagnosed at 39 years of age. She got rid of her miserable cancer and her miserble husband right about the same time. She is supremely happy and her life is so much better with both evils out of her life! Good luck to you!

[crazymotherof8]

I can only speak from a caregiver stand point. Yes, relationships change alot during cancer treatment. There are so many different emotions going on with both people. The patient is in shock disbelief pain and probably so many other things that we caregivers can't even imagine. the caregiver is also going through the shock and the possibilty of losing the love of their life. I am not sure if you have young children or grown children but that adds an additional element that goes into it. I believe that the personality of a caregiver has alot to do with how the relationship will progress. Our relationship has gone from being wonderful and great to being more of me being everything to him. I basically have to be in charge of taking care of every aspect of our lives. Most of the time I am all about it and can handle it, but to be completely honest there are some days that I am just emotionally drained from it all. I love my husband with all my heart and would never consider us being apart, but sometimes I miss the days where I didn't have to be everything to everyone all the time. When that happens, I usually lock myself in the bathroom and have a good cry and I am all better. Wish I had some advice, but just know you are not alone. I know others will chime in as they have more experience with this issue.

MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY!
Niki

[hannahw]

Cancer has a way of laying things bare, that's for sure. There's enough chaos and uncertainty stemming from the cancer so adding relationship troubles to the mix is tough. But in a weird way, maybe it's not for the worst. While cancer exposes weakness it also reveals strength and we tend to give ourselves permission to re-prioritize. There are definitely things in my life I would not have done if my Dad didn't have cancer and while I wish he didn't have cancer, I'm so happy about some of the changes we've been able to make as a family as a result.

Everyone has their own threshold in terms of what they're willing to tolerate in a relationship and no one else can tell you when you've hit yours. If your marriage is beyond repair, it might be better for the two of you to go your separate ways. But if you feel like there's something still there that you'd like to preserve, maybe you now have renewed reason to put some of your focus on repairing the relationship? Maybe a counselor could help the two of you work on the things that are troubling the marriage?

As difficult as it is, try not to be angry at your spouse for any shortcomings you feel he has as a caregiver. In my experience, most people really mean well and want to be loving and supportive during crisis, but being a caregiver is difficult, especially emotionally and not everyone is equipped. It's sort of like that "What would you do?" tv show. We'd all like to think we'd stand up to the bully, stop the bigot, prevent the drunk from getting in the car, put ourselves in harms way to rescue someone who was drowning or otherwise endangered. But we don't really know until the moment arrives. Plenty of people stand on the sideline and do nothing. I don't think it's because they're inherently bad people. We just all have things we wish we could do better. When you get married you pledge "in sickness and in health" but it doesn't have much meaning until someone is actually sick. Good intentions aren't always enough. And there SO is not a class to help you learn, it's trial and error and the errors can really suck.

This morning, a woman I know said to me "my father died over the holidays." Given my experience with my Dad, I'd like to think I have some sense of what not to say. I muddled along like an idiot, and then she said "the funeral is today." And I said, "I hope things go well." Really? I could have kicked myself. Good intentions don't always yield good results and it's even more difficult when your communication is tangled up in a family relationship that has taken years to build and has experienced many challenges previous to the cancer. Fair or not, the kitchen sink sometimes comes into play in an argument, especially when you're under exceptional stress, like dealing with cancer.

One of the challenges for a caregiver is to get enough support themselves so that they can be supportive of their sick loved one. When you're both healthy and things are basically normal, you probably both have the energy to be supportive of one another. But when you start to throw various challenges into the mix, it gets more difficult. Then you add cancer on top and you probably feel like you don't have enough energy to take care of yourself, let alone support your spouse. As a caregiver, your spouse may also find it difficult to have the emotional energy to provide both self-care and patient care. To that end, it seems especially important that both patient and caregiver have outside support systems to lean on. Not to the exclusion of marital support, but as a supplement. It can be really nice to have other things to do and other people to lean on. It helps give everyone involved a break.

[jean60]

You folks are really amazing. I am so glad I posted. There is a great deal of wisdom to be found here.

Jean

[vickitwo]

Well said Hannah

[Bev G]

My husband was "absent" as my caregiver (which is why I thank God for my son, who did so much more than his "fair share" of caring during the toughest year)--mu husband never once came to chemo, barely showed up when I was in the hospital (17 times) and when he WAS present, was yelling at me to "eat or you'll die". The list of pretty awful things goes on and on. It was incredibly difficult, and yes, I sure felt more alone when he was around than when he wasn't. Then, so ironic, a year ago he was diagnosed with stage IV lymphoma, and I had to work really, really hard to let go of a lot of angry feelings (still working on it, I guess) so that I could care for him. And, I had to admit that just ONE TIME, while I was so sick, I wished him just ONE ROUND of chemo. Well, gee---I didn't really mean it! (did I?) So now he's in very bad shape, is going back on chemo day after tomorrow, really tough chemo without a lot of chance of it working. If it doesn't, there won't be any (or many) options. He is still pretty difficult. I have so many more questions than answers. I should probably apologize to you for even sharing this, because I don't even have any good advice. I do, however, have prayers and well-wishes. It is a very sad place to be in. "In sickness and in health" apparently doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.

Love,

Bev

[jean60]

No, Bev, you do not need to apologize for sharing what you did. I found your honesty incredibly moving and yes, very sad. I am so sorry. Prayers and well wishes mean a great deal and I too have many more questions than answers. My husband has been very absent also and not just physically.
I do thank you for your post, Bev. More than you know.

Jean

[WorriedWife]

Dear Jean and Bev,

I am the caregiver here and I went to every single Dr. appt since day one, and there has been many, believe me! (with this abscess and all now)..the PET scan, every single day to the hospital, etc, etc. I am not saying that to make either of you feel worse than you already do....but I think that women might be a tad bit different than men. We seem to face things head on and are more supportive by nature, that motherly instinct that kicks in. I think some men have a hard time dealing with not so great news reality? Of course I do not know either of your husband's, but do you feel this is a possibility? Or do you feel that they "just don't care and they do not want to be put out?"
I think that would make the difference to me, if I were you in shoes Jean. Bev, I probably would have had that thought like you did, so don't feel guilty...I think that would enter most patients minds, because they would be so hurt

I feel like running away half the time, but my story is a whole different kind lol Good luck to you Jean, and you know what the right decision is for you. Just go with your instincts and take care of yourself. Prayers for you Prayers for you and your hubby Bev

[mm66ny]

This is a tough topic and I don't know if I should write about it, but this is the place where I feel I can talk about what I need to talk about. So here goes.
Sadly, I fear that my relationship with my husband has suffered greatly through this marathon. I would be remiss if I didn't say that there were some problems coming into this, but nothing that I would really call serious. Now I find myself, too often, questioning whether or not we will make it through this or frankly, if I WANT to stay. I think this disease can bring out the best and the worst in all of us and when I read the posts on here by and for caretakers who seem to be right there for their partner no matter what I often feel so cheated in my own situation.
This is actually not a whine fest. I just wonder if anyone else has experienced or heard of relationships ending after this kind of stress. I suspect the answer is yes, but I seem to need to test the waters so to speak.
I realize this could be a very sensitive subject and I am not asking for anyone's personal experience, just whatever you might be willing or able to contribute.
Thanks in advance,
Jean

I don't post too often, mostly just wise-ass shit, but I feel your pain to some degree and this is where, for me, the damage I suffered from cancer hopefully meets the good I can do for others from having been through cancer and the harder part: cancer treatment and its after effects.

I went through treatment in 2009, then a series of hospitalizations in 2010 and 2011, and serious depression through all of 2011 and the earlier part of 2012. My wife and I had a pretty good, not perfect, relationship before I was dx. After that, she gave everything she could to the battle. But sometimes I felt like she fell short of what others would do for their spouses. For example, when I had my LAR, and then was fitted with a temporary ileostomy, the ostomy nurse came to my room and showed my wife and me how to change the bag and fitting, and my wife wanted no part in it. It was just too out there for her. Sometimes, after chemo days, I'd be stuck in bed and couldn't get up. At first she was sympathetic, but after months of chemo she became resentful.

All the while I thought "if she really loved me" she'd put up with this and that and be by my side and be willing to change my ileostomy bag if I needed her to, and hug and hold me on those days when I just can't get out of bed.

But over time, and after a lot f struggling, I came to realize that none of her reactions were an indication of how much she loved me. She did and she does to this day. But people are only capable of what they're capable of. Yeah, I would have no problem changing my wife's ostomy bag if she needed one, but just because she doesn't think she's up to the task doesn't mean she's not doing her best, or that she doesn't love me as much as she could love someone.

And isn't that what it comes down to in these situations? Feeling like in your moment of need, your spouse or significant other loves you enough--when you're facing the prospect of death-- to do anything at all that you need. That's what makes it hurt, feeling like they should do more, care more. But I believe they just do the best they know how.

My wife dd not fulfill my fantasy as the wife of a cancer patient, but I have no doubt--after struggling with many doubts--that she loves me now as much as she did before I found out I had cancer,

[WorriedWife]

Dear mm66ny,

You are so kind in your words regarding your wife. You are very appreciative and I respect that. I have done so much for my husband and he has never once said anything like you just did. Every time I kind of mention something to the effect that "I think I am taking good care of you" or "I think I have done a lot for you" or "I have helped you so much" or just anything like that, he always responds with something about him. "Well, I am the one really in pain" "Well, I am the one going through all this suffering" ....just something like that. I had to do every single thing for Christmas, all the shopping, cooking, wrapping, cleaning, and more cleaning after out of town company left. Just finished taking down all the decorations (that I never felt like putting up in the first place) by myself, once again. Never once did he say anything about noticing all the hard work I did alone (plus other things I won't bore you with) It makes me very resentful. Actually he has pretty much always been this way, but it's even worse now. I guess this is my new disgusting life. So....anyway, just wanted to say your wife is lucky to have a nice husband like you who actually verbalizes how you feel and the things you realize, etc. From a wife's standpoint, this makes a world of difference. Good luck to you in your fight against this and Happy New Year.