So i guess you really do have lots of ups and downs with this condition, hmm?
I've been very "up" for most of this time i've gotten the diagnosis. i mean, i take treatment pretty well, and besides that bitch of an anal fissure, i'm in pretty good moods.
but the more i sit and think about whats to come, the more stressed and worried i get.
someone told me that at least i know that i will be having this total colectomy soon, as opposed to being rushed to an ER and waking up to find you have no colon. and while i agree that would be a helluva shock, i find myself with more anxiety about knowing whats to come.
all i do is think about the fact that soon i'll be having this major surgery and that i will no longer be me. i think about never wearing a bikini again. i'm only 25, and just getting comfortable enough that i want to wear bikini's in public!
i think about the fact that i'll be restricted in diets, in activities. i won't ever be me again. the me that i am right now, the me that i like, the me that i really wanna stay.
i don't wanna do any of this but i have no choice. i don't want to have to meet with an ostomy nurse. i don't want to have to think about how my poor normal boyfriend will react to this...he never signed on for any of this.
i think about the massive debt i'll be in for the rest of my life before i ever even got my life started.
i just graduated college! i didn't even have a chance to get a portfolio together. and now...i can't even fathom job hunting. that's nowhere in my near future.
this all is just shit. i'm pissed and sad and frustrated and confused and scared and i just dont' wanna do it.
i'm tired of everyone saying how much stronger of a person this is gonna make me. and how even though it's so hard, they're sure i'll pull through and will appreciate life more. i'm tired of it. i don't wanna be strong. i just wanna be normal. blend into the background and have nothing remarkable about my life ever.
this is all complete bullshit.
but i have no choice. and i'll have to tough it out, i already am. and when people come see me, and when they ask how i'm doing, i'll be smiling and cheerful and say 'i'm the chemo poster child' since they all seem to think i am. and i'll be honest and say "well i'm really tired more than anything, but it's not so bad. and if being tired is all i have to complain about with chemo, then i'll take it"
i'll get through it. for now. but i really just don't want to.
i just don't want to.
i'm 25 and feel like i'm 70. life just isn't fair.