mourning your old self?

[cynnycal]

So i guess you really do have lots of ups and downs with this condition, hmm?
I've been very "up" for most of this time i've gotten the diagnosis. i mean, i take treatment pretty well, and besides that bitch of an anal fissure, i'm in pretty good moods.
but the more i sit and think about whats to come, the more stressed and worried i get.
someone told me that at least i know that i will be having this total colectomy soon, as opposed to being rushed to an ER and waking up to find you have no colon. and while i agree that would be a helluva shock, i find myself with more anxiety about knowing whats to come.
all i do is think about the fact that soon i'll be having this major surgery and that i will no longer be me. i think about never wearing a bikini again. i'm only 25, and just getting comfortable enough that i want to wear bikini's in public!
i think about the fact that i'll be restricted in diets, in activities. i won't ever be me again. the me that i am right now, the me that i like, the me that i really wanna stay.
i don't wanna do any of this but i have no choice. i don't want to have to meet with an ostomy nurse. i don't want to have to think about how my poor normal boyfriend will react to this...he never signed on for any of this.
i think about the massive debt i'll be in for the rest of my life before i ever even got my life started.
i just graduated college! i didn't even have a chance to get a portfolio together. and now...i can't even fathom job hunting. that's nowhere in my near future.
this all is just shit. i'm pissed and sad and frustrated and confused and scared and i just dont' wanna do it.
i'm tired of everyone saying how much stronger of a person this is gonna make me. and how even though it's so hard, they're sure i'll pull through and will appreciate life more. i'm tired of it. i don't wanna be strong. i just wanna be normal. blend into the background and have nothing remarkable about my life ever.
this is all complete bullshit.
but i have no choice. and i'll have to tough it out, i already am. and when people come see me, and when they ask how i'm doing, i'll be smiling and cheerful and say 'i'm the chemo poster child' since they all seem to think i am. and i'll be honest and say "well i'm really tired more than anything, but it's not so bad. and if being tired is all i have to complain about with chemo, then i'll take it"
i'll get through it. for now. but i really just don't want to.
i just don't want to.
i'm 25 and feel like i'm 70. life just isn't fair.

[Guest]

Wow....you really hit the nail on the head. I just did my 6 month CAT scan. Right now I'm living with the anxiety of waiting for the results. This particular anxiety started about a month ago. I can't wait to just get it over with so I can go back into everything's hunky dory mode. That is how it is isn't it.....everything is hunky dory......we have all these things to be thankful for. I guess bottom line is we have our lives....that is what probably gets us through all the "I'll never be me again" moments.

During chemo I was so thankful, always in such a good mood, positive, fighting, blah blah blah. I finished a year of chemo last September. About a month before I finished I started getting kind of freaked out. What now kept creeping into my mind. What if it comes back off of chemo, what if my tests come back saying it's back, how long will I feel blah, all these questions kept creeping into my head. By the time the day came and I did my last dose of chemo I was a mess. I've spent the last 7 months trying to get back to normal and have for the most part. At least that is the way it looks to most people. Inside, emotionally, I still haven't reconciled all this. It all happened so suddenly. Who really has time to process all that happens in the beginning, then we do surgeries or chemo/radiation, or all of it. Next thing you know you are going to the hospital all the time, seeing doctor's all the time, giving blood all the time. No wonder we get scared, frustrated, pissed, lost.

At this stage everyone has moved on except me.....inside that is. I pray alot, I journal, sometimes I'm a pain in the ass to everyone, and I am coming to the conclusion this is me. There is no old me or new me, just me. I have to accept it all and move on. So one day at a time I move forward. I think if I can pass this round of tests I'll breath easier for at least the next six months.

Know what cynnycal......if you want to wear a bikini in public someday you will. The scar's aren't as bad as we think. Mine is a year and a half old and looks fairly decent. I'm 50 so am not worried about wearing a bikini, but if I wanted to the scar I have wouldn't stop me. You will figure this all out in time, meanwhile it is totally okay to be scared and pissed and all of those things. Every once in awhile be honest about your feelings.....let people know everything really isn't hunky dory.

Fight on Cynnycal.....and thanks for sharing!

Mary

[Holly]

Cynnical,

As much as you may be mourning the loss of your old self, I assure you that your new self with be better in more ways than one can not place into words!

Go kick alittle cancer a#$!

Hugs!

Holly

[cynnycal]

thanks mary and holly.
i've pulled myself back outta my funk...of course only to be put back in it by the decision to take my port out.

the bit about the bikini...it's not scars so much i'm concerned about as much as the whole 'ostomy' and bag. i'm sure that'll be what restricts me from doing that.

And trust me holly...i'm a martial artist...i kick and jab and all that all the time...so this cancer is definitely up against a self proclaimed tough a#%.

problem is...don't you ever get weary of hearing the same old 'you're gonna be so much stronger after this" and 'it'll make you appreciate life so much more' (which i'm sure both are true...but it's like...how many times do i have to hear it!?!? argh)

but yes, i'm gonna fight. damnit i'm ready to be completely rid of it all together. right now. lets just say i have a bit of the whole 'instant gratification' syndrome going on.

[Billy]

I’m not going to tell you it’s all going to be ok. I’m not going to tell you that you’ll be stronger. It’s just not my style.

Yeah, the whole thing sucks. Cancer sucks. The emotional drain of seeing the effects on your loved ones is devastating. Surgery is painful and tough to recover from. Cancer will create other health problems that should never afflict a person so young. You will have to take all sorts of medicine, every single day. Chemo will wear you down, make you vomit like never before, create pain in parts of your body that you didn’t even know existed, scramble your brain so that you can’t even put together a simple sentence, and in general make your life a living hell.

So what?

I was dx with stage IV colon cancer when I was 35, two years ago. Since then I’ve been through the gauntlet with all of this crap. Just like everyone else here I could provide a litany of horror stories involved with my fight. The other thing I share in common with everyone else here; I’m HERE. The alternative to all this crappiness is taking the old dirt nap, pushing up daisies, going six feet under, shuffling off this mortal coil, and that sucks even more.

You can be angry, you should be angry. You should run through the streets, hands shaking in the air, cursing the day you ever found that dreaded tumor. Bitch and moan and complain and cry. Let it all out. And when you’re done, suck it up and deal.

We’ve all gone through it. Of course, everyone’s experience is different, but please, lean on us when you need to. Find strength in us when you can. Gain hope from our successes and commiserate with us in our failures. Cancer sucks. Rock on!

Billy

[cynnycal]

alright, good stuff.
i like honesty.
you know what i really wanna do? i wanna run through the streets shaking my fists at my father. and what the hell good is that gonna do? he died when i was 6. and up til right now i never gave him a lot of thought. he wasn't a part of the majority of my life. not that i was bitter. it just was how it was.
but now? now i find myself cursing the hell outta him. damn his stupid condition. and damn his stupid genes. and damn me being the only one outta three kids to get this stupid condition from him.
buuuuutt....what good is that gonna do. big freakin deal.
i'm okay right now. really. i know i still have a helluva battle ahead of me. but all in all, i think in terms of traditional cancer treatment and its subsequent side effects? i guess i can say i've been lucky.
so far.
and damnit, i already see the day when i'm rid of it and no longer have to think about it. i see the day when its a distant memory much like my dad. i see it, and by god i believe that if i see that, then it'll happen.
i saw this cancer. i saw it before i ever got that colonoscopy. i remember one day leaving the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror and thinking "oh my god. i'm gonna have cancer, i just know it."
now, at that time, had i said that to anyone, i would have perhaps been looked at as a hypochondriac or something. but i just sorta knew it.
and right then i went to the computer and googled hereditary colon cancer.....and proceded to scare the shit outta myself.
i remember thinking "well, maybe i'll be sorta lucky and just get the mild form of the genetic cancer."
is that some crazy shit? that was a good 5 or 6 months before i went to the doctor and got scheduled for a colonoscopy.
aaaaaaaanywho, ramblings of an angry, frightened, confused cancer-ridden 25 yr old hypochondriac.

thanks for the little insights billy. and i like your blog. i guess i gotta get myself one of those hm?