A friend being disappointed about a clear colonoscopy

[Jen]

I read a lot but don't post much, but I knew some of you would understand this. A fairly new friend who knows I had rectal cancer has been complaining of bowel issues. I told her to get a colonoscopy if there was any sort of opportunity. But then I could tell she way over dramatized the prep and procedure and when checked on her soon after (I really wanted to be sure she was all Ok), she said she was disappointed it was all clear. She was the same person telling me how awful it was to have varying bowel habits for 2 full weeks. I had told her that she should be thrilled a test like that to rule out big hitter items was excellent, and to go easy there because for some like me was a life changer...but no, again today some random other friend said "how did the test go" and she blurts out - "all clear isn't that awful I can't believe it" - I just had to say " it's good run with it" and I walked away. So many times I wished my issues had been anything but cancer. I just know how everyone endures so much here to be clear and Ned and it has been such a difficult journey I don't know how I can hear that and not feel a little annoyed about the lack of understanding, I so wanted to be her walking out of a colonoscopy all clear that fateful day, luckily I have since and I know how sweet it is to wake up and be told things are Ok.

[fritts44]

Wow, she needs help! I can see getting frustrated about not having a diagnosis, but I can't see not being happy about a clear colonoscopy! Maybe her bowel issues stem from her anxiety of not having enough drama in her life! Yea, I've already diagnosed her -- she's a drama queen. Bet she watches Honey Boo Boo, doesn't she?

(ok, this may be harsh, I've never met the woman. But I CANNOT relate)

[KarMel]

Yea, I've already diagnosed her -- she's a drama queen. Bet she watches Honey Boo Boo, doesn't she?

Seriously, this woman needs help . I usually respond with a reminder it's good news and bad news that nothing was found. She will need to go back to her doc so they can keep on looking. Sometimes this is attention seeking behavior. I just don't always have the emotional energy to respond to their neediness.

[Natty]

Jen


To look at your friend from another side I would say what came out of her mouth might not have been what she meant intentionally meaning...as we all here know it's crazy torment to have to wait and hope and pray then to even hear it's the big bad news.

In her case I believed she was all stressed that it might have been something on the bad side, she got all flustered and worried then to find out it was nothing at all hence the reason for this comment from her "all clear isn't that awful I can't believe it".

But to the most important part she made an age old mistake of just thinking so much of her self that she dismissed that you are there dealing and had to go through the bad news procedure while she got to go for free.

In your shoes I would tell her straight that yes she is my friend but she really made you feel off with her obvious reaction plain and simple, because sometimes until you point things out to people they don't realize what they are doing or what they have done..while some people just dont know what to say when and where.



Natty

[sadysue]

Sounds like a terribly foolish and stupid person who you should rid your life of immediately. Who needs to deal with so much unnecessary drama? Not you, that is for sure. You have enough to deal with in your life that is real.
Mary Ann

[jacekica]

Very selfish and egocentric woman, she really doesn t see how horrible words she pour out are, for everyone, and especially for someone with cancer. ANd she knows you, it seems she can not think about anyone and anythig except herself.

[hannahw]

My guess is that she doesn't mean it that way it sounds. Nobody hopes it's cancer. But if you've been having some sort of medical issue and you haven't been able to find an answer, it can be upsetting, even disappointing. My sister has had an ongoing GI issue and it's very frustrating for her that she has no answers. No answers also means no solutions. People have been known to get to the point where they're happy to have a diagnosis, even if it's a particularly tough diagnosis, just because it means they can finally take some action. Also, colonoscopy can diagnosis more than cancer. Your friend might have simply been disappointed that the scope provided no answers of any kind.

Having said that, I commend you for taking the direct approach in telling her how her comments made you feel and I think it's insensative on her part to repeat the comment a second time around with you present.

Unfortunately, since we all have different perspectives, there are going to be times when friends of cancer patients don't get it. They just don't have the perspective to truly appreciate the challenge of cancer. And that can lead to some ridiculous comments. But I don't think it's a character defect. Rather than kicking her to the curb, it's an opportunity to teach awareness. It might be an opportunity to strengthen your friendship.

[MissM]

I think you should consider how good of a friend this person is because you do not need to deal with this kind of crap from others.

[fritts44]

When I wrote my post last night, I was suffering from insomnia & came across as harsh. I apologize for that! Of course, Hannah is the voice of reason! I think she's right, even though I still think your friend is probably a drama queen . This may be a good chance to strengthen your friendship. If you discuss this with her, it will give her a chance to be more empathetic to what you've been enduring, and will give you the chance to see what she really meant by her comments. As others have stated, she probably didn't mean for it to come across as it did.

After discussing it with her, if you find out that she really did mean it the way it appeared, then you can decide how much effort you want to put into the friendship.

(I still haven't slept, but at least I'm not fighting it anymore, so I feel better & should have nicer posts ).

[NWgirl]

When I wrote my post last night, I was suffering from insomnia & came across as harsh. I apologize for that! Of course, Hannah is the voice of reason! I think she's right, even though I still think your friend is probably a drama queen . This may be a good chance to strengthen your friendship. If you discuss this with her, it will give her a chance to be more empathetic to what you've been enduring, and will give you the chance to see what she really meant by her comments. As others have stated, she probably didn't mean for it to come across as it did.

After discussing it with her, if you find out that she really did mean it the way it appeared, then you can decide how much effort you want to put into the friendship.

(I still haven't slept, but at least I'm not fighting it anymore, so I feel better & should have nicer posts ).

lol! This sounds like something I'd do! I used to have a strict rule - no posting after 5 p.m.! I'm a much nicer and more tolerant person in the morning when I'm more rested. We can always count on Hannah to be the voice of reason here. I agree with all that Hannah said, though depending on the person I don't know that I would always be big enough to take the high road on this one. So.......listen to Hannah and not me!

[jens22]

Jen...after having cancer, I learned that some people just will never get it. I've sent several friends for colonscopies and most thanked me for getting them there. One friend was annoyed and told me that of course they didn't even have a polyp....they don't eat the way that I do. Weed out the negatives....From Jen To Jen.

[RayGirl]

I have a co-worker that has a pain in her side, after several colonsocopies, endoscopes, galdbladder removed, scans, test, everything coming back perfectly normal. She had the nerve to complain about how the tests found nothing and how I should be grateful because after one test "you knew what was wrong" Yeah, well knowing what was causing the issue was CANCER really isn't that comforting. I guess, ignorance really isn't bliss for some peole.

[lcook6]

you need to drop that drama queen she should be thanking GOD she doesn't have this hateful crap!! I read this post several times and I am angry sorry!! tell her they make medication for people like her, you are going through so much and then have to deal with this person.