How wonderful to "hear" your voice. I continue to pray for you and the children daily. You are such a huge part of the "circle of life" here, and I couldn't read your post without thinking of our dear Lisa, who lost her precious Kevin last night, and how your words will soothe and encourage her. I, too, am encouraged, that you are finding your way without your beloved Larry physically at your side. I bet you feel him with you all the time, though. I hope you do.
When I was first diagnosed, one of my very best girlfriends (also a believer) who is a psychiatrist, but one who lives physically very far from me, called me on the phone almost daily for weeks to teach me "guided imagery", a very focused concentration for purposeful relaxation and stress relief. Because I was not fully familiar with it, I told her I absolutely did not agree to, and did not want her to hypnotize me, at all, and she promised she wouldn't. I won't go in to the whole process, except to say that I gradually learned how to get everything out of my head, then to just "be" in the moment, with sort of an empty and peaceful head. About the fourth time I got to this place, while sitting without doing anything in a recliner, I heard this, as clear, as day: "My beloved, I will not forsake you". There was just a momentary "where did THAT come from?" from me. "Hey, wait a minute---I would never refer to myself as "beloved" in my own thoughts (more's the pity, perhaps). SInce that time, it has been so clear to me where the message was from...the Spirit which has lived with me and within me since the diagnosis (well, and for 40 years before). The Spirit who is my great and true comforter. The comforter who I do NOT expect to heal me, but rather to give me the courage and strength to get through whatever comes my way. Through all of it, only once DID I feel forsaken (in the middle of the liver fiasco). With all the energy I had left for the day, I sat up in bed, raised both fists in the air, and yelled (and cursed) "God, where are you now, you (expletive)?" The answer, (I don't believe of my hallucinations) "Right here, beloved, no need to scream, right here". JUST.THAT.
Anji, this is not my thread, I know. But I spend a lot of time wondering how we get through. How did you get through, how did Elissa get through, how did Jess' family get through? And now our Lisa, and so, so, so too many more... and the tragedy, and the slow, slow steps to recovery of it all. The raw pain of it all, the breath-taking agony, that has already been suffered once for us (I don't mean to offend anyone of different beliefs, of course). Where it falls apart, and where is comes back together with perfect grace, or with channel lock pliers?
I love you, Anji. I'm so glad to know that your life is moving forward. It's what's right.
58 yo Type1 DM 48 years
12/09 Stage IV 2/22 nodes + liver met, colon resec
3 tx FOLFIRI, liver resec 4/10
9/10 6 mos off chemo, Neg PET&CTC CEA nl
2/11 finished total 10 rounds chemo
9/13 ^17th clean PET/CT NED for now