Postby Jachut » Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:36 pm
I felt exactly the same as you do - I'd read all the horror stories and on the whole, I was managing the ileostomy really well, was dying to get back to work and my life in general and really did NOT want to spend months recovering from an ileostomy reversal and dealing with bowel issues. My surgeon was scathing of that - I happened to read his correspendence to my GP (which wasnt shared with me intentionally) and he referred to my feelings as crazy. He seemed to feel that because I was "young, fit and attractive" (his words, not mine!) that made some sort of difference. I dont know, obviously you cant be young, fit OR attractive with an ostomy?
Anyway, the thing is, if you dont try, you will never know. On the whole, I feel life is very different to what it was before, but with ostomy or without, my life was going to be ruled by my toilet routines, at least for a while. I've kind of come down from blaming my surgeon, or being mad about being bullied into a reversal, to accepting that cancer is nobody's fault and I had low rectal cancer and that means natural and normal bowel function is not a reality for me.
I'm a year out of reversal, so things could still change. I've found it to be a lot like how you feel relieved or horrified by a stage your young baby is going through, its the end of the world and then the next week, it all just changes. But my problem for the past five or six months has been obstructed defectation - at the moment, I am not consiptated in that I have soft stools but I cannot pass them unaided. I am totally laxative dependent right now. Its hard, its a three or four hour routine for me and its really difficult with three teenagers and a full time job and a heavy gym and running schedule to find that time. Really hard. But I sit up every second or third night and go through it. I am seeing a pelvic floor physio and a dietician but in my gut (pardon the pun) I know neither will help.
If I dont do this, my life is a blur of constant discomfort, bloating, fullness and multiple unsuccessful urges to go to the toilet and I cant function at work. But I can sadly say, I wont be able to function on school camp with my grade sixes, and caravanning and camping as grey nomads is not in my retirement future. I will always require private access to a bathroom that is mine and mine only on future holidays.
Its a darn sight better than the incontinence and diarrhoea I was so afraid of. Its manageable, but I just want to be normal! Having a bag was easier in a LOT of ways but I dont thing on the whole I'd go back. I do know though that if I hadnt even tried, the whole issue would still be hanging over my head and I'd still be in an agony of indecision. And I would have fought with my surgeon over it each and every time I saw him.
I could have lived happily with my ileostomy, but I dont think I could have let go of the possibility of what life might have been like without it. On the whole, even though I'd not call mine a hugely successful outcome, its not disastrous, if I have to ahve a problem, then obstructed defecation beats incotinence hands down and I'm glad I did it.