Postby cptmac » Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:33 pm
Bev,
Thank you soo much for sharing your story. I saw it on facebook so thank you for sharing it on there too. I don't bring up cancer on my facebook, in case it ever affects my employment. An HR person even told me it does affect businesses decisions, but they find others reasons to let go of individuals.
But I wanted to share my story...
I grew up with a Roman Catholic Father and a Buddist mother. My father was in the service and he wasn't always around to take me to church, so we went to my friends church, whether that be all denominations (other military brats will know what I'm talking about), baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, etc. I was very religious and wanted to be a nun, but as a kid, didn't really understand that their was a different in faiths, just differences in what we called it. Even more so because I believe life is about the golden rule of "Do onto others" (As an aside, I was talking to a farmer, who was upset that people were stealing the wild asperagus that would turn up. Talked about how he did it when he didn't get asperagus, because perhaps that farmer didn't see it and he didn't want it to go to waste. So I reminded him of the golden rule. Everyone at lunch agreed, he opened himself up to that karma.) So I've been to all sorts of churches and am appreciate anyone who follows the golden rule.
But cancer kept my faith the same. It's helped me get through all the hard times in my life. And through those times, my faith helped me. When I was in basic training, and I, at 105 lbs, had to carry the same 50 lb ruck sack along with my rifle, canteen filled with water, etc... as the 250 6 foot guys, it was tough, but I made it. And whenever my load seemed to heavy to bear, I recited the lords prayer over and over again, and soon, my ruck sack seemed to be weightless. I know I could not have carried it by myself.
So about 6 months after I took a new job in a new city, I was comfortable. When I left my last full time job, I was also in the reserves and on my other weekends I was producing sports programs on the weekends. So I never had a moment to myself. So only having one full time job, and being on a couple of boards, I was a bit too comfortable. I asked the Lord to help guide the way into finding my next project. I was comfortable and ready to handle whatever he gave me. I soon learned that God has better things to do than find me a hobby. He chose for me to discover that I have Stage IV colon cancer with virtually no hope of survival.
Everything I have ever learned in my life, came into play to help me find a way. Not only a way for myself, but a way for others as well.
The first thing I did was buy a lottery ticket. What a great story that would be. Dying cancer patient wins $22 million. Didn't happen. Then, I read my horoscope. To my surprise, my horoscope said I was going to have major health problems, but if I saw a doctor at the beginning of the month, I would be fine. That was my first sign of hope that I would conquer this disease. It gave me the hope and the strength to continue on with my journey no matter that a lot of people thought my efforts would be fruitless. Afterall, none of us had ever met a Stage IV survivor. I looked at the stats and saw that some people did survive, and maybe, that would be me. Afterall, 5% seems to be my number. When I joined the service, women made up 5% of the armed forces. When I went into sports broadcasting, there were even fewer women. I never believed I would be the first person to do something, but I knew if it could be done, I might be able to do it. So I scoured the states for the right doctor for me (which really was finding a doc who would help me. I didn't have a lot of choices.) This was made easier, because I was dx'd on my birthday and US news and world report publishes the Best Hospital rankings every year on that week. What are the odds... I picked up the phone and started dialing.
I also picked up "What your doctor may not tell you about colorectal cancer by Mark Bennett Pochapin. It was published earlier that year. It was the first time I had heard of the HAI pump, and my gut told me, that it would work for me. I brought it to both of my surgeries. One of my docs was concerned that I was studying too much. That I should relax, that most people treat being in the hospital as a spa. I said no, I wanted to learn as much as possible and to make sure they were doing all the right things (Looking back, not the right thing to say to impress your doctor). He asked, "How are we doing?" (Realizing I may have just insulted the guy who was trying to save my life) "You guys are doing great. And this book assures me of that." He laughed. But one of the residents asked if he could borrow the book, he'd heard about it. I said no, I really do rely on it. It helped me ask the right questions.
When I had to pack all of my worldly possessions into two suitcases, I packed very little clothing. One suitcase had my bible and my prayer book, along with a bunch of research and books that I knew would help me. When I saw my first onc, he mentioned the HAI pump, and I knew I wanted it.
People ask me if I ever felt angry. I felt angry only once. I used to listen to loud music. I would be up by the stage and you could feel the music vibrate through me. Once when I was in the service, a cannon went off right beside me and I didn't have any hearing protection in. When I went for a hearing test, the audiologist said if I kept this up, I would have serious hearing problems by the time I was 25. So I almost never listened to loud music. Something I sooo enjoy doing. When I left the military at 41, I had better hearing than most people my age. So when I found out I was about to die, at 43, with great hearing I was p*****, P*****... I cranked up the stereo and didn't look back. Until many years later, when the prospects of me dying didn't look so good. So now I turn it up when a fav song comes on.
When I felt ill, or scared, I recited the lord's prayer over and over, until that passed. After my liver surgery, I was assigned a nurse with an illiostomy. She didn't tell me right away, but later told me that if I ever needed one, I could live with a colostomy. She said no one on the staff knew about it. It gave me comfort that if I ever needed one, that they were something I could live with. And that I should learn to better tune out my friends who said they'd rather die than have one. I also had a half Japanese nurse. I too am half Japanese. During recovery, she noticed my cheeks were swelling up. Something that happened to her when she got ill and also happens to me. I hadn't looked at myself in the mirror, because I've never cared much about what I look like, more so when I'm sick. And sure enough, my cheeks were swelling. She called my surgeon and in that weeks span I gained 40 lbs. But the docs worked on it dilligently until they figured it out. They would have figured it out later had she not been there, but she caught it right away. What are the odds.
After I was released from my liver surgery, and I had a follow up visit with my onc. He was a little concerned over some pain I had by my colon resection and gave me an ultrasound. He gave me some more pain meds. But how many oncs would have gone that extra mile. How many would have just given more pain meds and sent you home. While a friend was picking up the pain meds, I saw a white squirrel. I had never seen a white squirrel before, to make sure I wasn't delusional, I showed my friend when he came out. He couldn't believe it either. But I took it as a sign that I would be okay. Good thing because the ultrasound showed I had a serious blot clot and I was in imminent danger of dying. My friend was in shock, but I wasn't, wasn't the first time I heard this. Plus, I saw the white squirrel. Something good was going to come my way, whether that be death or life.
At work I met an RN. We were working on a program about Alzheimers, and she asked about my chemo. I told her I wasn't having any problems with it. She assured me it would get a lot worse. It never did. I did wonder why so many people want to concentrate on telling you the absolute worst. Where are the people who get treatment with no problems, surely that happens (I've since found some on this board, thank you for telling your story as well). I believe in planning for the worst and hoping for the best. But all around me were the people who would just say the worst. Or why would I go through this treatment when I was just going to die of this disease, afterall, there is no cure for Stage IV cancer.
Then, when people on this board, and other people I met, started slamming the fact that I was on a clinical trial. People said that HAI pumps weren't any good. People on clinical trials are just guinea pigs for drug companies. I tried to ignore what they were saying. On one of my chemo sessions, where you have nothing to do but think, I started having some doubts. Right when I thought it, on the screen that rolls underneath on CNN the words came up, studies show that patients on clinical trials do better than those not on trials. I thought, I can't believe that just showed up. But, thank goodness for long chemo sessions, I waited, and waited, and sure enough there it was. I never doubted that their are angels walking around to help us all the time. Sometimes we don't recognize the them. Sometimes we don't recognize the signs that God chooses to show us, but I have never had a doubt again. I also know that right now, God has other people he needs to help besides me. And I never ask him to help me find my car keys. I'm in the habit of putting them in a convenient place that I never forget where they are. I know that he will always be right by my side when I need him. He always has been there in the past, and will be with me in the future.
But the most valuable lesson I learned was, God has better things to do than find me a hobby. I've been able to find my own now, thank you.
cptmac
As long as you're alive, there is hope.
dx 7/04 stage IV
colon resection 8/04
liver resection 9/04 with HAI pump installed
Stage II trial w irinotecan as systemic and FUDR for direct chemo to liver via HAI pump
Cured since 9/04