end??????

[edinaman]

Matthew, my condolences to you and your family. You have been such a loving, devoted husband. A part of her will always be alive in you and your children. May the memories be a blessing.
Jeff

[Olivia]

Matthew,
My condolences to you and your family. You must be reeling from the circumstances happening so quickly. Hug your dear precious children. Cry. And then share with them some precious memories with your wife........wishing you peace through your grieving and one day sunshine.........

[Deirdre]

Matthew

Sincere sympathies. Thinking of you and your family.

[cecioboe]

My sincerest sympathy to you and your family. You are all in my prayers.

Ceci

[jdepp]

Dear Matthew,

I have a message of condolence and thanks.

I am very sorry that you and your family are going through this. I identify with you very closely -- I, too, am in my 40s, have been married for a long time to somebody I cannot imagine living without, have 2 kids...

But I identify even more with your wife, since I am the one with the terminal illness, and my spouse is the one bewildered yet faithful.

With that in mind, your strength, resilience, and love are very heartening to me and I wanted to tell you that.

[hopeful]

Matthew, I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.

[fritts44]

Hi Matthew. I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you & your family today. I can't imagine what you're going through, and I'm just so sad for you. I'm hoping that in these days with your family & friends you can experience some wonderful stories of your wife that will bring you some comfort and peace.

Lee F.

[Matthew]

THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! so much - your support throughout this time has been incredible and all of you mean so much to me.

Honestly, I am heartbroken, and I continue to second guess everything.

For example - it seems finally I got a relatively straight answer FINALLY what caused her dementia symptoms - I thought it was the chemo, the xanax, etc - and so did the docs, EXCEPT for the hospital internist who said it was also the embulism and everything together - she came the closest. Until she was on her deathbed I didn't know - apparently toxins especially ammonia that the liver wasn't able to take out of her system.

Yet I read this: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001347/ so what the heck - had the onc actually PAID ATTENTION treatment could have been tried? Had the hospice been in too much of a hurry to stick her in the ground? At least with treatment she could have had a lucid day or two?

My son always said she needs to go to our HOSPITAL - they always "fixed" her there - the outcome may have been the same, but at least she could have had another day or two of being aware and talking to us.

I know guys I know, but the more I think about this the worse feeling I get about her onc - again a HUGE practice, not a "mom and pop" shop...

As far as the "future" - I found her blanket that she used since she'd been sick - it's mine now - only thing that offers comfort. I'm bringing her ashes home soon, and am working on lots of pictures of her in the house. Memorial service at the school where she worked is next week Sat - I'm just thinking I need to make 8 years (daugther will be out of college by then) after that, I make no promises...

I take this as a lesson - don't ever not discuss what you want to do should treatment fail...

[Matthew]

Oh Matthew - I am so, so sorry! The love you have for your wonderful wife radiates through the screen! I am a fellow caregiver and I know that I will most likely walk in your shoes one day. I hope that I can be as wonderful to my husband as you have been to your wife. The speed in which this has happened is mind boggling. Cancer has made me fully aware that each day needs to be cherished. Your story has made me even more aware as things can change so quickly. I pray that the beautiful memories of your time with your wife will help you through this most trying time.

So-s

Thank you so scared - yes...CT scan on April 27 said "liver is nearly fully taken over by masses..."

[Matthew]

Oh Matthew - I am so, so sorry! The love you have for your wonderful wife radiates through the screen! I am a fellow caregiver and I know that I will most likely walk in your shoes one day. I hope that I can be as wonderful to my husband as you have been to your wife. The speed in which this has happened is mind boggling. Cancer has made me fully aware that each day needs to be cherished. Your story has made me even more aware as things can change so quickly. I pray that the beautiful memories of your time with your wife will help you through this most trying time.

So-s

Thank you so scared - yes...CT scan on April 27 said "liver is nearly fully taken over by masses..."

[Matthew]

Thank you! Yes, I really would like to chat with you when you have time...

Hi Matthew,

I occasionally visit this board and catch up on my friends, and I was compelled to post a reply when I read your post. I'm so very sorry. My husband was 45 when he was dx with Stage IV, and lived almost a year before passing away. My experience was much like yours - a month before he died, we were vacationing in Exuma and two months prior we were snow skiing. Very, very surreal feeling to have that all change so suddenly.

My husband refused Hospice, so he had home health care for the last three days of his life. Not such a great experience, as I didn't really feel he was getting the best care. Stephen was lucid up until the day he died, and he wouldn't let me use Hospice because he felt it was admitting his impending death. It didn't matter. His body was dying no matter who took care of him. The difference was and is, from what I understand, the way in which Hospice can prepare you for it. I know, really nothing can "prepare" you when you are looking at the other part of your physical self slip away...but later when the edge and the rawness is gone a little bit, when you can think, even a little, and look back on your choices and your experiences...maybe that sort of preparation helps at that point. I don't know, but my hope for you is that with time, you and your children are strengthened by a perspective that you cannot possibly have at this point so soon after your wife's death.

It really is the most unreal of feelings to spend every single waking moment trying to find a solution to get rid of cancer and help your partner get better, and then in the last few hours hope for your partner to pass as painlessly as possible. It is so confusing, and overwhelming, and the shock of that is unlike anything you'll ever experience again. That was my experience, anyway. If that was yours, I hope you can come to understand it. It is that sort of love, that sort of unselfishness, that can set you free a little bit if you can bring yourself to look at it from that perspective. Not now, but in time. Always that damn time. You can't rush it or guide it or boss it around, and you sure as hell can't skip ahead a few years. You have to go through it and under it and above it, and it's a journey that will leave you stronger but lonelier, wiser but harder, and sadder but more accepting. I laugh and cry with a different perspective, and one day I'll see all the colors in my rainbow at the same time. As will you, my friend.

Gaelen once told me to take it day by day, hour by hour, even second by second if I had to, in order to get to the next minute, hour, day. I did that. Some days I still do that. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'll be happy to be on that list of folks.

~Cindy

[Badass]

HI Matthew,
I just wanted to say I am sorry you are in so much pain. Grief is a process and please trust that, as unbearable as your pain is now, that is part of the process, and slowly you come to different perspectives and eventually come back to living. The regret you feel is very common-- ultimately we can all second guess ourselves and death seems to bring up guilt and anger that fuels that process of second-guessing and feeling anger toward doctors and ourselves. Of course, in retrospect, we can find things we wish we had done differently-- but that is always true. It is clear that you did the very best you could for your wife-- death is a difficult and messy process and ultimately we do not have control. Please find it in yourself to access the love you have for her and reassure yourself that, ultimately, that is what you provided for her and take joy in the love the two of you experienced. Let the rest go as best you can and be kind to yourself.

[Matthew]

Thanks rusuja - I know I hear my wife's voice in my head - Matthew LET IT GO!

And I must say I find great comfort in sitting on her spot on the couch where she spent so much time lately, and with her blanket...

[wifenurse]

So very sorry for your loss. Praying for strength for you and your children to get you thru these next difficult days.

[Matthew]

Thank you wifenurse!