Struggling with all of this

[weisssoccermom]

I'm really having a difficult time with the news about Terry. I've been on this board long enough to know that some people won't make it - they die from this disease. While it's never easy to lose one of our members, its HARD to even imagine not having Terry around. I just freaking talked to her on Wednesday! Flew out on Thursday to go to Chicago and told her I'd call her on Monday. She told me to enjoy my visit with Jon & Erik and to have fun at the soccer game. We would talk about DWTS, Missing, Celebrity Apprentice, our kids, hubbys and yet, we could still talk for hours about all sorts of things and yet really about nothing!!! Was so hoping that when her thyroid radiation was done she could talk better...and we could go back to our typical long conversations about whatever.

I don't know what to do or think. I pace around my house staring at all sorts of things that remind me of her. I got her hooked on Polish Pottery and as I stare at my collection, I wonder if Holly will appreciate it the same way Terry and I do??? Her Christmas present sits on the chair in my dining room - WHY do I have to see that box all the time??? All it does is remind me......remind me of the things we had planned to do. We should have gone to NYC last December but her doc said to cancel the trip because she would be recovering from surgery. We were going to see the city lit up at Christmastime, take in a performance of the Nutcracker and see the Rockettes Christmas Show. We've talked about how she & hubby want to see the Christmas tree lightening in Leavenworth, WA sometime with my hubby and me. I'm supposed to fly out to her house in three weeks to visit - she wants me to go fishing with her (I agreed to sit with her while SHE fished lol!) and to teach her to make my chocolate biscotti. It's supposed to be our 'girl time' - time to do whatever we want - talk, laugh, cook, laugh, take short walks, whatever we want to do - just our time together - our exclusive time - no husbands, no kids!

This morning I had flowers sent to Terry. Everytime she has been in the hospital, I would make sure that she received a vase full of yellow flowers with lemon slices in the water. The card would say something about making lemonade together - you know the saying.....'when life gives you lemons, make lemonade'. It was my way of telling Terry that together we could conquer anything TOGETHER....we would be optimistic - to not give up. I sent her my lemonade bouquet/card again this morning but there's no more lemonade - not this time.

I'm tired but can't sleep. I'm afraid to sleep....afraid of what the morning will and won't bring. I just want to talk to Terry again.....I want to turn back the clock and make things all better.....to make sure the surgeries do their job, to fix all the bad things that this crappy disease has caused. I want Terry to smile again, to hear her laugh and stop being in pain. Ok, I'm selfish, so what! I want my friend back and dang it, I DO want to make lemonade - one last time! I love you Terry and I want you to know....I NEED you to know that IF I could make lemonade this time I would.

Jaynee

[Grace14]

I'm so sorry Jaynee! I know how difficult this must be for you! I never got a chance to meet Terry like you...so I can only imagine how your feeling! She is so loved on this board by so many and we are all praying for her. Stay strong Jaynee!!

[jjlist]

Jaynee,
I am so sorry for you and our impending feelings of loss , sadness and despair. Sadly, its inevitable.
Our common connections to this disease make it worse and scarier for us.
I know you dont want Terry to suffer.
I know you want her at peace.
And I know, that you know,
she wants the same for you now.
JIm

[soccermom]

I really hate what this disease does. I hope you find comfort in your memories of a great friendship. It must be so hard for you or anyone to watch such a dear friend suffer. Prayers that you find some peace also.

[beth568]

Jaynee, I understand. I'm glad you shared these feelings here.

I hate that this is happening to Terry, too. When I joined this board last year, she was one of the first people to reach out to me, and she always had something kind or funny to say. She never seemed to back down in the face of a setback and showed us all how to balance the challenges cancer throws at us. She wasn't unrealistic about her health, but she was strong, and that inspires a lot of people.

Now that I've been here through the deaths of some really good people, I've learned that it never feels easy to watch someone suffer, or to let go. There's no way to make grief go away other than to plow through it and let the feelings run their course. In your case, I know it's especially hard because you and Terry have been so close. All I can offer are some good thoughts and virtual hugs, and a reminder that Terry knows how much she means to you. She's carrying that love somewhere inside her now.

[limbo08816]

I know this is hard for you. I really don't know what to say. I this sucks. I hate this dreaded disease. You and her entire family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Kim

[live2jett]

Jaynee,
I loved reading this post...you can feel the love you have Terry:) I could not help but smile picturing you both talking on the phone talking about DWTS...and so on.
What a gift that both of you found a beautiful friendship her at the CC. I was thinking this morning about Terry ...knowing that if I would not have gotten colon cancer i would have never come to this board and found an amazing friends like Terry . I picture you to pals drinking your lemonade ....that is the real joy...a true friendship that will not be broken by death.

So sorry your heart is hurting.....praying today for better news....
Deb

[Dress In Blue Girl]

Jaynee,
I have been thinking of you a lot. I know how close you have been with Terry. You two have a lot of wonderful memories together She could not have asked for a better friend then you have been to her all this time. I am sure you have some funny stories to share of your journey together.
If you can try to think of those no one can take those away from you not even cancer.
Please know you are in my prayers

[sheilahincy]

Jaynee

I am so sorry that we lost Terry. I have only been with the group for a short time but I feel I know her so well. The way you talked about her in your message most of made her smile down from heaven. Angels are singing loudly to announce another one has come home. What a time that must be.

God Bless
Sheila

[juliej]

Jaynee, what a beautiful heartfelt post. I hope you find peace and strength as you try to deal with this. I appreciate your willingness to be authentic -- showing your feelings for all to see, and providing such deep wisdom in your search for answers and support.

Love,
Julie

[BrownBagger]

I think we're all in shock and grieving, but you two were like family, Jaynee, so I understand your struggle. It's tough.

[sadysue]

Jaynee....I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Words cannot help but just know that I care.
Mary Ann

[meeko]

While I never met Terry I loved the warmth and caring that always came through in her posts. I have hated watching some of the most loved and longtime posters...ones I looked to for advice and words of wisdom when I first came here, progress and and pass away. I cant explain it to my family...they dont understand how I can feel for people I never met and encourage me to stop reading this stuff if it upsets me. They dont get it, they cant understand. The feeling of loss is real and the anger of the unfairness of it.

I pray that Terry will be comfortable and peaceful now... and that you can someday enjoy the memories of your wonderful friend.

[edinaman]

Jaynee, I don't know what to say. As you know, some of us oldsters have known each other longer than we've been on this board. We have laughed together and unfortunately cried together, too many times. Terry has always been there to help us through the rough times, and now we need to wish her the best on her journey. I hope your good memories will help you get through this, and cherish how Terry has enriched our lives.
Jeff

[ams5796]

I've been in a funk the past couple of days. I'm so sad for Terry and her family. She, like all of us, cherishes life so deeply and just wanted to get to the other side of this so she could enjoy the things that "other people" take for granted like simply being with her family and her friends. You're right, meeko, no one outside of our world gets this and they certainly don't understand why we keep coming back here to read about more pain and suffering. Unfortunately, this is our world now. I grieve for Terry and her family and I grieve for us.


Ann