Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

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Dori
Posts: 426
Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:29 pm

Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Dori » Fri Apr 20, 2012 2:58 pm

I never understood survivors guilt. And now I'm having a huge pang of it. Never say never, I guess. That's all. :)

Dori
47 years old
Stage IIIC, high grade signet ring, 14 out of 18 nodes affected
Colon resection 5/15/08
FOLFOX 6/08 - 11/08
Mom to a great 11 (!!) yo girl
Currently NED

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Jimswife
Posts: 904
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:53 am

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Jimswife » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:09 pm

Don't be guilty , why should you be guilty , some people will beat it / survive it and some won't , you have no need to feel guilty , you are one of the lucky ones , enjoy it .
Victoria , Wife to Jim age 43 dx oct 2011
Stage 3 cc with 2 out of 21 positive lymph nodes
Folfox starts nov 11-may 12
All scans and bloods since surgery confirm no evidence of disease
Hoping to stay ned forever .... Fingers crossed !!!!!!!

Dori
Posts: 426
Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:29 pm

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Dori » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:18 pm

So true. It's completely and totally irrational. I found out today that an (online) friend passed from cancer and I've got a case of "why her and not me?" I'm sure she would kick my ass if she was here to do it. :)
47 years old
Stage IIIC, high grade signet ring, 14 out of 18 nodes affected
Colon resection 5/15/08
FOLFOX 6/08 - 11/08
Mom to a great 11 (!!) yo girl
Currently NED

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Jimswife
Posts: 904
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:53 am

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Jimswife » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:21 pm

I've seen your signature and see you had quite a few nodes plus the poorly differentiated signet cell ring , I think you have done really really well , are you about 4 yrs out now ? Does the oncologist think you have a good chance at beating this long term ? do they keep a closer eye on you with having more negative prognostic factors ?
Victoria , Wife to Jim age 43 dx oct 2011
Stage 3 cc with 2 out of 21 positive lymph nodes
Folfox starts nov 11-may 12
All scans and bloods since surgery confirm no evidence of disease
Hoping to stay ned forever .... Fingers crossed !!!!!!!

Dori
Posts: 426
Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:29 pm

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Dori » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:27 pm

Yes, my oncologist thinks I now have a good chance now of beating this long term.

She has watched me more closely all along with more frequent scans. I was getting PET/CTs every three months for a period of time, then every four months, then every six. I am now getting regular CTs (no PET) every six months (and just had one this morning, as a matter of fact).

I am profoundly appreciative of the fact that I've done so well. I frankly never expected it after the dire information I read about signet ring cell cancer.

Dori
47 years old
Stage IIIC, high grade signet ring, 14 out of 18 nodes affected
Colon resection 5/15/08
FOLFOX 6/08 - 11/08
Mom to a great 11 (!!) yo girl
Currently NED

janklo
Posts: 1567
Joined: Wed Mar 03, 2010 11:10 pm
Facebook Username: JanetKlostermann

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby janklo » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:28 pm

Dori - perhaps God is keeping you here for a reason! For one thing, those who have signet cell need to see you doing well to feel better about their prognosis. And your daughter needs you. And your animals.

I really think it's luck of the draw. You've been able to scare away those pesky signet cells and keep them from coming back! Good job and don't feel guilty at all. Enjoy! :D
Mom to 28 yo daughter
colectomy 2/22/10, stage 3C, signet cell
7/2011 peritoneal mets
HIPEC September 2012, difficult recovery
Hospice 10/31/2012, Died 11/16/2012

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Jimswife
Posts: 904
Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:53 am

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Jimswife » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:37 pm

That's great , looks like the chemo did its stuff then , I think a lot of it is down to that too , whether it actually kills everything off or not and like the other poster above said luck of the draw , there's no rules with this , some people at stage 1 or 2 with no negative prognostic factors end up at stage 4 and some stage 3s and 4s with negative prognostic factors beat it, no two people/cancers/outcomes are the same
Victoria , Wife to Jim age 43 dx oct 2011
Stage 3 cc with 2 out of 21 positive lymph nodes
Folfox starts nov 11-may 12
All scans and bloods since surgery confirm no evidence of disease
Hoping to stay ned forever .... Fingers crossed !!!!!!!

Dori
Posts: 426
Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:29 pm

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Dori » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:40 pm

Thanks to both of you. I'm feeling better.

Dori
47 years old
Stage IIIC, high grade signet ring, 14 out of 18 nodes affected
Colon resection 5/15/08
FOLFOX 6/08 - 11/08
Mom to a great 11 (!!) yo girl
Currently NED

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prtza
Posts: 405
Joined: Mon Apr 02, 2012 2:47 am

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby prtza » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:47 pm

janklo wrote:Dori - perhaps God is keeping you here for a reason! For one thing, those who have signet cell need to see you doing well to feel better about their prognosis. And your daughter needs you. And your animals.

I really think it's luck of the draw. You've been able to scare away those pesky signet cells and keep them from coming back! Good job and don't feel guilty at all. Enjoy! :D


Well put Janet! That is certainly the case for this SRC patient.
DX CRC 2/29/12 Signet Ring Cell @44 YOA
Left hemicolectomy 3/9/12
T4N2M0 Stage IIIc 10/11 LN
April-June 2012 30 treatments chemoradiation
6 cycles XELOX 7/11/12-11/7/12
12/7/12 NED
Recurrence Jan '13
Starting FOLFIRI 2/20/2013

SkiFletch
Posts: 6361
Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:39 pm
Facebook Username: Michael Fletcher
Location: Buffalo, NY

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby SkiFletch » Fri Apr 20, 2012 3:52 pm

Dori wrote:I'm sure she would kick my ass if she was here to do it. :)


Hah, good point. I might use that the next time I get one of my own pangs of survivor's guilt
11/13/09 5cm Stage IV 9/25 lymph nodes w/2cm peritoneal met at 29 YoA
12/15/09 LA right hemi-colectomy
6/16/10 Folfox FINISHED
8/10/10 Prophylactic HIPEC
10/9/10 got Married :D
Still NED and living life to the fullest

"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life."

Laurettas
Posts: 1606
Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:49 pm

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Laurettas » Fri Apr 20, 2012 4:18 pm

Survivor's guilt is something that can definitely be an issue. We are experiencing it twice over. My husband had stage 4 Hodgkin's disease in 1977 that miraculously disappeared after two months of chemo treatment, never to return.

Now, he has stage 4 signet ring cell which has metastasized to the peritoneum and lymph, both bad. He just celebrated his one year anniversary and, as of the last scan, the cancer was shrinking and not progressing. We know of others diagnosed with colon cancer after my husband who have already died--some of them with young children. We are very grateful, for sure, but there is certainly a twinge of guilt mixed in. When I pray, I pray for a cure for ALL cancer. Cannot pray for my husband alone.
DH 58 4/11 st 4 SRC CC
Lymph, peri, lung
4/11 colon res
5-10/11 FLFX, Av, FLFRI, Erb
11/11 5FU Erb
1/12 PET 2.4 Max act.
1/12 Erb
5/12 CT ext. new mets
5/12 Xlri
7/12 bad CT
8/12 5FU solo
8/12 brain met
9/12 stop tx
11/4/12 finished race,at peace

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Patience
Posts: 834
Joined: Fri Dec 09, 2011 10:26 am

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Patience » Sat Apr 21, 2012 6:26 pm

Each person who lives longer that the stats predict benefits EVERYONE by showing that there IS reason for hope. Survivors should not feel any guilt, but instead, they should know that others see them as rays of hope.You carry that much needed message.
"Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you.
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you."

simon031003
Posts: 553
Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2011 10:17 pm
Location: Central Texas

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby simon031003 » Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:07 pm

My husband and I just went through and are still going through this same thing. My life long best friend's mother just died of Stage IV renal cancer. She was like a second mother to me. She was diagnosed 3 months prior to my husband; they had the same onc and everything. My best friend is also my boss at work. Needless to say, Esteban and I are both struggling with this issue. Some may say that a person shouldn't have the guilt, but until you loose someone close to you and you are still here and doing fairly well there are no words to describe it. Logically yes we know that our victories are still worth celebrating but it is hard to share the joy with someone who just lost their mother. Right now I can't even bring up the word cancer or oncologist because I know she is so broken right now. In time the guilt will fade and she will celebrate with us.
Michelle wife of Esteban
T3N1M0 12/31/10
Folfox 2/22/11
9/19/2011 confirmed cancerous lymph nodes via biopsy; started FOLFIRI with Avastian turned into FOLFIRI with Ebritux now FOLFIRI w Vectibux 12/12 mets to liver and pancreas
2/17/13 resting in Heaven

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Terry
Posts: 5536
Joined: Wed Oct 03, 2007 10:36 pm
Facebook Username: Terry Minor
Location: Silver Cliff, Wisconsin

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Terry » Sun Apr 22, 2012 9:14 am

We all have a time when it's our time. Don't feel guilty, it's just not your time yet. She may be in a much better place than we are right now also. A place with only love, no pain, no hunger, no anger, only beauty. Sounds like a place I want to be at some day. It's us left behind that feel the loss. Those that left us are doing great we pray.
DX 7/3/07
Chemo, radiation, 20 mo. chemo, IMRT, cyberknife, 6/11 lobectomy.
1/16 resection perm. colostomy intraop. rad.
PET 2/12 nose, thyroid, liver, lngs
Folfox 3/12
Lord I know You'll keep me here until
you know I cannot suffer any longer!

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Joanne 814
Posts: 871
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:56 pm
Facebook Username: Joanne Flynn Hoerrner
Location: Farmington, CT

Re: Surprised myself...guilt anyone?

Postby Joanne 814 » Mon Apr 23, 2012 6:25 am

Dori, I don't share anything about my journey anymore good, bad or otherwise here or on any of the sites as to not offend those not doing well, or don't want to hear or see it, so survivor guilt is alive and well. I pm any questions, and I just "cheerlead" for others, and provide feedback. I feel my journey is my problem now and although I am grateful to get to my landmarks, and hope I continue with them, it is not anyone's problem to cheerlead for me when they are fighting for their lives.

My oldest and best friend was by my side at my diagnosis and thru treatment. 6 months after I finished she was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer at 44 years old and fought the fight of her life, and I was right by her side. She lived 8 months. It was a horrible, painful death for her, and all she kept saying during it was "its ok Jo, I watched you and I am going to fight just like you and beat this thing just like you are doing". That statement goes thru my head still DAILY!! She is my angel and who I cry and scream my health problems to, and who is looking out for me and hopefully keeping an eye on my health!

We all do what we have to Dori!! It is very normal to have guilt with your friend's passing. My situation has made me feel the same.

ONWARD!! We are almost to the 5 year mark BABY!! Hang in there friend!!!

Joanne
Age: 51
Dx: Nov 07 @ age 43
Stage IIIC, RCa
Colon Resection: Nov 07, 4 of 27 LN
Chemo/Radiation: 28 treatments w/constant 5FU (Jan-Feb 08)
Chemo: Folfox, 12 cycles (Mar-Aug 08) DONE 8-8-08
CT Scan 1-09 NED


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