Struggling for my life here UPDATE

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Bev G
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Struggling for my life here UPDATE

Postby Bev G » Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:39 am

Hi all,

Just checking in with you guys. I am in the deepest, blackest hole ever. I am trying everything and just can't seem to climb my way out. I have, quite literally, never pitied myself a day in my life, and now I feel as if it's all hit me at once. I can't get the time away from home to go see my new therapist. I ran out of anti-depressants a few days ago, and feel like I can't take the time to go get my refill. Steve has lost 30 pounds in a month now. I have to give him credit for trying to eat, but his ability is limited. Still waiting on the path. Still waiting on the scans, and the port, and the bone marrow biopsy. Waiting and waiting (we all know what that is like). I feel like curling up in a ball, in a hole, and staying there. I can't seem to stop crying, and that is NOT like me.

I really am just writing to let you all know that I am reading most of the posts, really feeling for everyone in a bad place (Cheese, Bill and BB, really thinking about you guys) but just can't seem to get a post together. Just please know that I am thinking about you all and praying for you (even though I must say it's en masse these days).

Everyone, hang in there.

Love to all,

Bev
Last edited by Bev G on Tue Jan 17, 2012 9:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
58 yo Type1 DM 48 years
12/09 Stage IV 2/22 nodes + liver met, colon resec
3 tx FOLFIRI, liver resec 4/10
9/10 6 mos off chemo, Neg PET&CTC CEA nl
2/11 finished total 10 rounds chemo

9/13 ^17th clean PET/CT NED for now

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edinaman
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Location: Minnesota

Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby edinaman » Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:59 am

Bev G wrote:Hi all,

Just checking in with you guys. I am in the deepest, blackest hole ever. I am trying everything and just can't seem to climb my way out. I have, quite literally, never pitied myself a day in my life, and now I feel as if it's all hit me at once. I can't get the time away from home to go see my new therapist.

Everyone, hang in there.


Bev, you hang in there. I'm sure we all wish we were closer so we could come over and give you some time away. Does your onc's office have any social workers or contacts for you? How about the local branch of the American Cancer Society. There has to be some resource in your area that can give you some relief.

Bev, you have been dealing with so much. You don't deserve having to feel like this. I'm sure with all the minds here, someone will come up with some suggestion.
Jeff
Went in for surgery for a cyst on my bladder, and they found colon cancer growing on the outside of the colon. Got to have two surgeries at the same time! Stage 3, one node involved.

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waw4
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Location: Durham, NC

Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby waw4 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:01 pm

Bev,
You have so much going on I can understand why you feel pushed to your limits and I am sorry you hurt so much.

Please take the time to get your anti-depressants refilled so you don't suffer any avoidable withdrawal effects.

It's good to hear from you even when you feel so bad. You've been such a help to others I wish we could help you.
Bill's Colonoscopy 6/29/10; Dx Stage I or II
Surgery 7/15/10; Dx Stage III,15/32 lymph nodes
FOLFOX4 start 9/14/10; end 1/20/11 (9 tx)
2021 dx MSH6 Lynch Syndrome positive
(as are my brother, sister & son, but not daughter)
Grateful for 2nd Chance NED time!

dj2158
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Location: New York

Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby dj2158 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:03 pm

Bev,

Can one of your friends help you out today? Maybe they could pick up your prescription and then come sit with you for a while. Honey, this is just a terrible thing that has happened but you gotta try to pick yourself up again. There is no choice. You and I both know that. Cry all that stuff out of your system as long as it takes. After that things will seem a little better. One by one you will put everything in order and go on from there. Try to get one of your friends over please. I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Love, Donna
Donna
Dx 10/'07 age 54 3CC Sigmoid 1/25 nodes lap
Folfox 11/'07-4/'08
Vats Lung 7/'09 met
Vats Lung 7/'10 two mets, Irinotecan/Xeloda 9/'10-2/'11
Lung Resec, 3 1/2 rt ribs 4/'12
10-15 spots both lungs & 1.4cm nodule, 7/'12
xeloda & avastin 9/'12

JAZZToo
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Location: New York City

Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby JAZZToo » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:07 pm

Bev
With all the worries and anxiety and waiting for answers, it is very important that you take care of yourself and that includes refilling your antidepressant prescription TODAY!! Does your pharmacy deliver? When an antidepressant is stopped suddenly, there is what is called a rebound depression as the body gets used to being without the antidepressant, and you certainly don't need that in addition to all the real situations weighing you down. You have to find the time to get a new/renew your Rx.

As you have advised others, take things one day at a time, one step at a time as the answers you are waiting for will be revealed.

Best wishes,
Leslie

sadysue
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby sadysue » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:09 pm

I admire you Bev. You are such a strong, smart woman - much more than you realize. Wishing you, your husband and family the strength to get through this and also that you all find the time to relax and get rest when you need it. Best wishes,Bev.
Mary Ann
Rectal dx 4/2011 (Stage 3B - T3N1M0)
5FU/Rad - daily/6 wks ending 6/2011
Surgery 8/19/2011
Finished 8 rounds Folfox 2/2012
Ileo reverse and port out 3/2012
NED

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Ashlee H.
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby Ashlee H. » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:10 pm

Bev - I agree, first of all, get your medication. Are you staying hydrated? You know how that can mess with the system. Don't get into to deep of a hole. The further you fall, the more difficult the climb out is going to be. I'm sure your brother has been a big help - listen to him. None of us like the cards we've been dealt - we can choose to play them or fold. Please don't fold. Lean on others to help you get through all of this. I'm just a phone call away.
-Ashlee
Stage IV w/liver met dx 7-1-09
KRAS Mutant
Member of the HIPECKERS (2011) and OLYMPHIANS (2012)
2/14 - standard chemo has stopped working
3/14 - Stivarga
LIVE LIFE!

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CRguy
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby CRguy » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:14 pm

Bev,
Sending prayers and strongest ++++++ vibes your way.... but I need to be more of your "tough love" den mother in this post.

You do need help and support, and people who can listen. We can only listen. You need someone there with you in the real world, because of so much you have on your plate. Call the pharmacy and get the meds delivered, call the new therapist and see if you can "talk" with a phone consultation / counsellor, call your family doctor and tell them you need to see someone, now, call a crisis hotline and tell them you need to talk to someone.

We can only guess at what you are going through, and how you are feeling, but since we cannot be there to help you in person, all we can do is encourage you. You may not feel like you "have" time to take to look after yourself, but Bev, really you cannot afford NOT to take care of yourself.
Pick up the phone and call someone who can be there with you and support you in person.

Prayers and hugs to our favourite, real, den mother here.
CRguy
Caregiver x 4
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
17 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

RixInPhx
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Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 11:53 pm
Location: Phoenix

Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby RixInPhx » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:32 pm

Bev-

Thanks so much for taking the time and making the effort to post to us.

I echo what eveybody else says, and what you know already:
* Get back to your antidepressent immediately,
* Get somebody to talk to, by phone if nothing else; perhaps give your brother a lunchtime call.

And especially, monitor and adjust your blood sugar often.
You know that stress affects your BS level and different insulin dose is probably necessary; this alone can be the cause of much of your slacking.

I wish I were around the corner to lend yu a hand, but all I can do. is try to help you help yourself.

Just do it!
-Rick
M 61, Dx 6/10 CRC st 4, unknown primary CEA 843
2 kg peritoneal mass, met to skull; no surgery
Various regimens of all CRC chemo drugs
Mets to lung 8/11 CEA 135
Folfiri/Erb/Ava 12/11 CEA 320
No progression 5/12 CEA 192

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Phuong
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby Phuong » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:32 pm

It really is hard for someone who is a giving and caring as you are to have to think about yourself, especially at a time when you feel like someone needs more of your attention than you do. Remember what we often tell caregivers - you NEED to take care of yourself because if you don't, there is absolutely no way that you can take care of someone else. CRguy is absolutely right - get on the phone with your therapist for an emergency session or call a crisis hotline. Have a friend pick up the meds or have the pharmacy deliver. You are especially in my prayers Bev. Love and hugs to you.
Phuong
http://sonofamotherlessgoat.net/
dx'd Stage III Rectal (T3 N1 M0)
Now Stage IV mCRC

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Nanette
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby Nanette » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:35 pm

Dear Bev,

You have received some good advice here. You have to take care of yourself.

Please know you are in my thoughts and hope you get through this hurdle. Wish I was closer to you.

Love & hugs,
Nanette
Husband, Bruce - diag. 12/07/08 at age 50
Stage IIIB CC, poorly diff, muc. adeno, sig. ring cell
Stage I bladder cancer
1 of 17 LN affected
Colonectomy 12/11/08
Finished chemo/rad on 8/19/09
Four years NED on 12/11/12 - Thank God!!
Livin' life!!!!!!

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KarMel
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby KarMel » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:39 pm

You sound like you're drowning and barely keeping your head above water.
Trust me, you can't do that for long, especially battling cancer and a long term chronic illness. The emotional and physical energy required to do that is simply not sustainable.

Did anyone, during Steve's hospitalization and work-up, ever say "call me if you need anything.?" During my illness, countless people have said that. Some were just being nice in a fake insincere way, but others truly meant it. Yes, I had to make a few phone calls to figure out the phoney vs the truly caring, but I found them.

Here's a lesson I have learned on the journey...giving people who really care the opportunity to help you is a way of blessing them. Yes, you get a blessing as well, but I know I feel really good inside when I can do something for someone else. Don't deny others that opportunity to be blessed by helping you. I hope that makes sense.
Stage IV, April 2009.
Treatments...multiple .
Currently none
"It is well, with my soul"

gjsabmor
Posts: 174
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 4:26 pm
Location: Dallas, Texas

Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby gjsabmor » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:50 pm

Praying for strength, clarify and relief for you, Bev. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else - that's something that I've very recently recongized myself.

Take a deep breath, get out to collect your anti-depressant and most importantly, ASK for help. I am sure there are many folks in your life who'd love to lend a helping hand.

All the best to you - Jasmine.
Mom diagnosed w/mCRC 27 June 2011
Currently in treatment (Folfox + Avastin)
Histologically low-grade adenocarcinoma
2 out of 15 lymph nodes positive

adina91
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby adina91 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:52 pm

Oh Bev! It hurts my heart to read this post! You are an incredibly strong person and I admire your ability to even get on here and post an update which we all appreciate. I agree with everyone else about the medication. Even one day without mine and I start to feel a little off. And I know that in times I have had to cancel appointments with my therapist, he has been more that happy to do a phone session. They are surprisingly effective. Know that you and your husband are in my thoughts!
Adina 42 yo, mom of 2 sons (5,9)
11/2009 - DX-2B CC-Sigmoid resect/colostomy
Lynch Synd MSH2
1/2010 - FLOX chemo
5/2010 - Subtotal colectomy/hyster/ileostomy
Stage 3A - 1/42 LN +
8/2010 - Chemo done
10/18/2010 - ileostomy takedown
2010 - 2015 - NED
5/1/15 - "suspicious" area in liver on CT
5/14/15 - follow up PET says no metastatic disease
6/19/15 - MRI - NED!

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juliej
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Re: Struggling for my life here

Postby juliej » Mon Jan 16, 2012 1:05 pm

Bev, love, your life is in transition right now. There are so many new emotions for you to process, and yet you don't have time to deal with it all because of having to handle Steve's appointments, treatment, etc. It takes an enormous amount of energy to go through the kind of upheaval you're going through. Tired, lost, confused, depressed....these are normal feelings at this point. It's like you've been in an earthquake and you're looking at the aftermath, the chaos and destruction, and trying to figure out how to move forward.

You need balance right now -- more than anything else. You need to restore your spirit. You need to see your therapist. You need to listen to YOUR needs for a change. You need to find a quiet space inside you away from the chaos. Your therapist can help you find it. Really.

Sending you love and light and strength,
Julie
Stage IVb, liver/lung mets 8/4/2010
Xelox+Avastin 8/18/10 to 10/21/2011
LAR, liver resec, HAI pump 11/2011
Adjuvant Irinotecan + FUDR
Double lung surgery + ileo reversal 2/2012
Adjuvant FUDR + Xeloda
VATS rt. lung 12/2012 - benign granuloma!
VATS left lung 11/2013
NED 11/22/13 to 12/18/2019, CEA<1


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