Some of you saw, and some of you didn't, that I posted last week about having some pretty serious marital issues for quite awhile, actually since I was diagnosed in 12/9. My "DH" has been largely absent emotionally, and actually cruel at others. He had minor surgery 4 weeks ago today and has been unbearable since then. About 2 weeks ago I seriously started worrying that something wasn't right, and told him he needed to go to the doc. Most of the old-timers around here knows he IS a doc, so of course he wouldn't listen to me. Last night I just put my foot down and took him, without discussion, to the ER, because I was so sick of the whole thing. After blood work and a CT he was found to have something horrible going on. The 99% assumption at this point is that he has very diffuse spread of a Lymphoma. They don't operate on these...just chemo. It MAY have spread to his bone (pelvic/acetabulum) They haven't scanned his full chest yet, but there is a strong suspicion of thoracic issues, because of the cough he had but ignored for about 6 months, and there is a mediastinal node. There are giant nodes everywhere. They are excising one tomorrow to get the pathology, which apparently will help with staging him and determining the appropriate chemo.
I keep thinking of one of my chemo rounds, where his behavior towards me was so awful I actually thought "I wish he would just get ONE round of chemo, just one, so he would know how this feels.". Now, I can't get this horrible thought I had out of my mind. I had determined that our marriage had almost become poison to me (like chemo)---and now this. I would never leave someone who was ill and needed my care.
Any of you prayers out there---PLEASE, PLEASE!! I don't want to join the "wives of stage IVs" as a stage IV myself. I.FEAR.I.AM.AT.THE.END.OF.MY.ROPE.AND.GOOD.HUMOR.
Thank you all.
UPDATE: Well, I could never, ever thank each and every one of you who responded to my plea enough! It warmed my heart so, it made me feel so much less alone and terrified, and gave me emotional strength to try to get through what surely feels like a nightmare just one day at a time, BREATHING ALL THE WAY
. The news today worsened, in that they believe the Lymphoma has metastasized to his bone marrow, and believe we will find next week at the PET/CT that his lungs are seriously affected. Next week he will have the port placed (the ridiculous covering onc wanted to give him chemo through a PICC--what a great idea if he does in fact have bone marrow disease/suppression). I nixed the PICC, said port, absolutely and asked them to do the bone marrow biopsy while he is sort of "under" for the port, as these biopsies are really, really painful. His lab work looked a little worse today than yesterday, and it amazed me how much worse his cough is in just over the last 3 days. He now has generalized edema (but has gotten a lot of IV fluid over the last 3 days) and his belly looks more swollen to me today. They excised a 4x4 cm axillary node today, the path for this node should be back by Monday. I brought him home about 8 tonight. We have a meeting with my beloved onc (his new onc) at 8:30 Tuesday am. I think I walked about 5 miles back and forth today at the GIANT hospital and I am exhausted and off to bed now. Once again, thank you all so, so much. I have and am seriously considering all advice given me, and especially working on letting go of the guilt associated with wishing him a round of chemo, and of thinking all the dramatics after his hernia surgery were just that, dramatics. I had just started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago, re: the marriage issues, so that was great timing that I'm already on board with someone, and I hope he will help me.
It never ceases to amazing me how we, as this disparate group of people from all over the world, can and will rally around each other in a time of need. I feel so incredibly blessed to have all of you in my life, and I thank you all again from the depths of my heart and soul. Your words, thoughts and prayers are so healing, and so cherished.