I don't want to do this anymore.

[Grandmaof2]

Hello Pam,

I've read your post and the responses. I know that counseling will help you, as I've benefited from counseling in situations of despair in my own life. I didn't notice any references to God in the postings, but I want to remind you that you don't have to WAIT for God's help. If you know Him, ask that He give you peace about your situation. Ask, too, that He provide answers to all that you are going through or facing. If you don't know Him, He is a short prayer away. You can IM me if you'd like me to pray "with you". We don't know when, or for whom, God will perform a miracle, but we know that he does. For me, it is evidenced each time I look at a newborn baby.

I am a Christian with tremendous faith and trust in God, and though I've recently received my 3rd cancer diagnosis in 2 years (this time Stage IV CC), I've had perfect peace about it each time. Because I know and trust God, I didn't even have to ask Him for that peace. It was just there each time I heard the "c" word, and has stayed with me since. (I've been a true Christian for only about 13 years; before that there were lots of situations and circumstances in my life I didn't handle very well.)

I also believe in the power of prayer, and will gladly ask the 700 members of my church to keep you and your husband (anonymously) in their prayers in the coming weeks. I'm sure you will be uplifted in the prayers of many people in this group, as well.

I've already prayed for you and will continue to do so.

My prayer tonight: Father God, please give Pam the peace that she so desperately needs at this moment. Lift the heavy burdens she carries from her shoulders. Lord, she is too weak from all she has endured to carry so much. Father, give her rest; mentally, physically, and emotionally. Wrap your loving arms around her and hold her until she feels your undeniable presence. Allow Pam a good night's rest, such as she hasn't known for quite some time. Father, please lead Pam to the counselor who can help and the job You have for her, and provide resolution to her husband's situation. I pray, too, that you would help Pam to find an advocate who will help her to resolve her family's financial problems, or at the very least, a way to manage them. Lord, you are full of mercy, grace and love. I pray you would shower Pam and her husband with all of these so they may look to the future with renewed hope and peace. Amen

Susan

[pbyers]

I am so overwhelmed with the love and support I have found here. Thank you all so much. Susan, I am a christian and you have brought me back to where I need to be and that is in God's arms. I am trying to do this on my own as I always do. Thank you so much for the beautiful and touching prayer. I am in such a dark place right now that it's hard to find the light, but Susan you have made me aware that I am not looking in the right place. Thank you for reminding me of our Heavenly Fathers grace and mercy. I am actively looking for a Christian Counselor and I am already on anti depressants. I can't really go to my husband for support because he just doesn't know how to help me and I am too embarrassed to talk to my children. They have already been through so much with me. I appreciate all the kind words and suggestions. I don't know what I would do without this place and all of you.

With deepest gratitude,
Pam

[BrownBagger]

I think we all have our dark days, Pam. And I don't think they get any easier. I'm so glad you're seeing a bit more light today.

[janklo]

Pam, just remember, you are a SURVIVOR! No matter what else happens, you are a cancer survivor. My daughter's journey took a lot of wrong turns, like yours did. At the time she was diagnosed, she had just moved in with her boyfriend into a beautiful brand new 3000 sq foot house and she had a job she loved supervising 7 employees and she was feeling great. Then cancer struck and she lost her colon, then her job, then her boyfriend and about 1/3 of her hair (as she likes to say). One year ago, she was unemployed and stuck living in her boyfriend's house while he clearly wanted her to leave. But in February, she got a fantastic new job, was able to move out, make new friends and was able to work out and gain back weight. Cancer did come back into her life, but this time she was able to move in with us to be cared for during treatment, to work from home and her new friends at her new job raised thousands of dollars for her medical bills. She has seen several counselors and is on two anti depressants right now but she has a positive attitude and outlook that more chemo is going to finish this thing off.

You will get through this period and life will look so much better.

[mum]

Dear Pam I have just read your post.
You are carrying too many rocks the load is too heavy.Do not take this in isolation.Be brave ask the ones who you trust and feel safe with to help you cope.
Its a big step when we fall to admit that we are unable to manage.Your a beautiful human being and can only be expected to do what your able too.We sometimes become so hard on ourselves that we forget when its time to step aside and tenderly nurture ourselves as we would any other person.
You are your own best friend,treat yourself gently with loving kindness.You have such value and deserve to have all the assistance to lift you through the difficulties which are facing you.
Seek the therapy through any charitable means possible. The guidence and support will help strengthen and give you fresh direction over how ever long time takes.
You are not alone we all deeply care. Tender love and hugs from Rachael and mum.

[pbyers]

Hi all,
Thanks so much for all your love and support. I really appreciate it. Any way I am still having a tough time. I am looking for work to no avail and so worried about losing our home because of me. I have not found a counselor yet. I have just been put on my hubbys ins. Not sure if they cover therapy. I am still very depressed and cry alot. I have applied for unemployment. I don't think I stand a chance. I would like to apply for disability but my doc. says since I am NED it probably won't fly. I just need some time to take care of myself and regroup. I just can't work full time right now. My previous employer was very mean to me and was in no way going to allow me to come back even though it was obvious I was distressed at the time. I was such a good employee. Worked through chemo and rarely called in sick. Big corps. have no heart. Oh well, whats done is done. I know so many of you have much more serious issues and I should be thank ful for what I have. I am trying. Any way Thats the update for now.
Love to you all.
Pam