Does anyone else DISLIKE their SURGEON??

[hannahw]

How does your husband feel about the surgeon? Since you're writing from your perspective, we can't tell what your husband thinks. Ultimately, it should be his decision.

As others have said, you're never stuck with a particular doctor. If the doctor/patient relationship doesn't work, for whatever reason, it's perfectly reasonable for the patient to seek an alternative.

In my experience, one of the hardest parts of being a caregiver is you are in an especially reactive role. You're not in charge of the decisions. All you can do is control your response to the decisions that are made. I would imagine most patients consult with family before making medical decisions, but it's not uncommon for family to draw different conclusions from the same info. There's no right or wrong, but it has to be the patient who decides for him/herself. That can be devastating for family when the choice isn't what they would choose, but that's part of being a caregiver - unconditional support.

I wanted to add a different perspective regarding communication with a doctor. Some doctors have TERRIBLE beside manner, for sure. But communication is a two way street so I think it's important for all people in the patient AND caregiver roles to consider what they're bringing to the table. And also to consider what it's like from the doctor's perspective. It's not just patients who deal with difficult doctors. Sometimes doctors deal with difficult patients. And sometimes reasonable patients feel the fallout.

For example, I think every one of my Dad's doctors have lamented the role the internet (and glossy magazine ads for that matter) now plays in patient care. Unfortunately, there's a lot of info out there that is, at the very least, not right given the patient's specific set of circumstances. Doctors now spend a lot of time combating false info that well-intended patients and family bring to the office. I can see how it would get frustrating. How it might feel like their credibility is being questioned. "We heard what you said at the meeting, but we didn't believe you so we went to the internet and found xyz. What don't you give us that?" That's undoubtedly not what you're aiming for, but it may be how the doctor perceives it. The relationship between doctor and patient has changed a lot. It used to be that 1) doctors really couldn't do much to help patients (think pre-antibiotic era) and 2) patients pretty much did whatever the doctor said. Times have changed, both for the better (patients are often their own best advocate) and for the worse (patients may be misguided by info they receive out of context).

Different doctors handle it differently. Some docs just cuss the internet and all who bring them what they find. Some docs have embraced it and actively share with their patients the sites they recommend. Personally, I like this proactive approach. People are going to look at the internet. Why not offer some guidance has to where reputable info can be found, with the stipulation that even accurate info can be wrong given the specific circumstances of the patient. One of my Dad's docs, he knows how I am. He just goes down to the medical library in the basement of the hospital and has the librarian copy appropriate material for me. It's kind of awesome. Not that I can understand everything I read. But it does give me reputable material to learn from. Everyone wins.

My whole family loves my Dad's GI. For us, he's been amazing, literally a lifesaver. But not everyone loves him as we love him. He's been, in his words, "kicked to the curb" by more than one patient. Sometimes the relationship just doesn't work, for whatever reason. Anyways, he'll answer questions for me as long as I keep asking, but one night, while my Dad was hospitalized and I was particularly stressed he said, "calm down, you're not going to get your MD tonight and we're not going to fix everything in one shot. Lets just take it one step at a time." Funny, my Dad says much the same thing. I can only hear their wise words some of the time. I'm glad when I do though, because when I do calm down, I realize my controlling, stress-ball self is not especially helpful to anyone.

It gets back to the issue of the caregiver having no control. When you're not in charge you'll take charge of just about anything that presents itself. Something is better than nothing, or so it seems.

Anyways, obviously I'm not in the situation you're in so, like everyone else, I'm just spitballing. But maybe you'd help yourself by considering your own communication and seeing what you might do to help make the communication between you and the doctor better? Maybe there's nothing. Maybe it's all him. It happens. But maybe there's a middle ground where everyone can get what they need? It might help if you could sit down with the doctor and discuss communication needs. If you want to do something like this you should do it at a time when your husband is stable, not facing a crisis. Let calmer heads meet and see if there's a way to move forward as one team.

One thing that struck me in your post, does the doctor and his staff know that you live 60 miles away? And I mean actively know it, not just "they should know because it's in the file." I was just thinking that if the nurse didn't know you were so far from the ER, she probably assumed you were relatively close. It's not uncommon to sort of wait out a blockage because, when you live close, you go quickly to the ER if things get worse. When you live far away, you have a whole different set of circumstances to consider. On one hand, it's long drive and big hassle for something minor so in some cases it makes sense to put off the ER. On the other hand, it's a long drive if the condition becomes acute and in that case it might be better to go sooner rather than later. If the nurse didn't have all the relevant info, it may have influences the manner in which she presented the options.

[Jachut]

If i met mine socially, id love him, hes a really nice guy. Hes a leader in his field which is enough for me, i have absolute faith in his ability. Yet ive had a somewhat difficult relationship with him. Sometimes hes incredibly caring and supportive and says things that reassure me that he knows me, my issue and worries and other times its been obvious hes forgotten who i am! And he can say the bluntest, most insensitive things. I expressed to him how difficult i was finding teaching with a newly reversed ileo. And he said "well, get a new career" and then went on to tell me about his trip to paris, complaining about how many holidays hes had this year. I was gobsmacked! My life is in tatters, our finances decimated, my brand new career in jeopardy and this jerk just dismisses it like its nothing then rubs his normous wealth in my face! Especially after hed witnessed my tears a few months earlier as i wasvso anxious about how id be able to teach if i reversed the ileo, and hevassured me id be back at work in three weeks. Then, before he told me to get a new career he had to ask me to remind him what i did. Im angry all over again just thinking about it.

If im honest though, i want to be treated lik im the only person this has ever happened to, yet he has hundreds of patients, many in much more difficult situations than mine. Hes very busy, saves his energy for saving lives and if he ruffles a few feathers on the way, so be it. I couldnt cope with the pressure and stress of his job.

[Gaelen]

What hannahw said. What ams9576 (Ann) said.
Sure YOU can always switch doctors...if it's your doctor. But this surgeon isn't your doc - he's your husband's doctor. And as such, bluntly, how YOU like the doctor or the office is secondary, if it counts at all.

I agree that most doctors are more comfortable communicating with the patient than with caregivers, especially when the patients are conscious and competent adults. If your husband is sitting back and not doing the communicating, then he might need to step up to ask the questions he knows you want answered. And in that case, your conversation should be with your husband, not the doctor.

Yeah, caregivers have questions - but as Hannah pointed out, you're not gonna get your MD (or learn everything there is to know about CRC) in one meeting. Pick your questions, adjust YOUR approach and see if things go better. Communication is about BOTH parties adapting...not about the doctor learning how to communicate with all 5000 of his patients and him doing all the adapting in the room.

Also, I wouldn't leap immediately to questioning your husband's surgeon's skill, even though he was in the hospital for 22 days. We know nothing about his case or condition, and there may have been complications that can and do affect many patients. I had the best surgeons in NYC for my last surgery, and was still in the hospital for 27 days - it was the case, not the surgeons' skills, that kept me there.

Bottom line - it is ALL about how your husband feels about this doctor. And if you're 60 miles from the nearest ER, sounds like you might also be a good distance from a selection of surgeons and docs as well. So think about what he needs vs. what you want and then let him make his decision.

It's your job as a caregiver to go with that patient-centered decision...at least as long as your husband is adult and competent.

[SJC]

Wow... thank you so much for all of the helpful advice. The problem with our situation is that I have to ask and ANSWER all of the questions. My dh wouldn't even tell the doc's what they need to know if I was not there. EXAMPLE: We just went for the Biopsy on his thyroid mass yesterday. The Dr. asked him if he feels the need to clear his throat on a regular basis. His reply: NO. I just looked at him and said" Honey, you do that all of the time." Then she asked if he had any other issues. His reply. NO. Well, he has high cholesterol (really high) but he has side effects from every medicine they have put him on so he's not on anything right now.

We only live about 15 miles from the nearest ER but the Surgeon we chose is affiliated with a Hospital that is 60 miles away and YES they all know that and they have from the beginning.

The Surgeon we have is Chief of Colo- Rectal Surgery at the hospital and came highly recommended and he has this way of making sure that his patients know he is a Prominent Surgeon.

We will probably stay with him and if I have a question I am going to ask it and if he doesn't like it then that's too bad. When my husband is in the hospital and sleeping all of the time because he's drowsy from the pain meds then it's my job to step in and ask questions.

So, we did have the biopsy on his thyroid mass yesterday and should know something in a day or so and then on Monday, we check in for the surgeon to do a colonoscopy and an exam under anesthesia. One thing I found interesting when we visited the endocrinologist yesterday she told us that NO CANCER can spread to the thyroid...it would just be an incidental cancer.

[goofytc]

I also had to change surgeons. What I would say to you is, this is your journey. You have to feel confident with every option you have. This is your life ,your health, and your quality of life. You need to make sure you are 100% comfortable with who you are trusting that to. I asked several doctors for their recommendations for the best surgeon. Off the record they were able to refer me to someone that gave me the best possible outcome. I wish you the best, and encourage you to be bold in your expectation. Good luck!