I'm sorry for your loss. Sounds like you are aware of your reactions (sad, angry, etc.) which to me are of course healthy responses. I hope you find peace with it soon and completely understand the concerns you expressed.
2010-07-02 Dx rectal cancer (Stage 3)
'-10-13 APR surgery, 10/18 nodes still active
'-11-22 12x2wk rnds FOLFOX
2011-12-07 Mets X-P
Don't retreat, reload!