I hate what this is doing to my kids

[beth568]

Part of me feels unjustified in complaining about this, because as a Stage III it's entirely possible that I've got quite a bit of time left. But I still hate what my diagnosis and this whole process has done to my children. I'm talking about the day to day stuff, not the big question of whether Mommy will die.

For 9 months now, they've had to watch their lives change as I spent all kinds of time in the hospital, as I fight off one sort of side effect or another, as I end up sleeping or just feeling too tired to spend time with them the way I usually do. I've been unable to participate in lots of their school events, and now that I'm in the late rounds of chemo I'm pretty much useless for 3-4 full days after an infusion, and I know that my 6 year old in particular has a hard time with it. My husband does a pretty good job of keeping them occupied and keeping the house running so that I can sleep or at least rest, but still, every now and then, my little one sneaks in and crawls into bed with me and asks if she can just be in there to "take care of me." She wants me to play, or read, or whatever, and sometimes I just can't manage it. We have tons of help from family and friends, but when it comes right down to it, sometimes little kids just want Mommy.

I know that in a few months life will look more like it used to (or I certainly hope so, assuming all this chemo is working), but in the moment it's hard not to resent it. My kids are doing fine in the larger scheme of things, but it's moments like I had with my little daughter this morning, when she had to fight back tears because I told her I wasn't going out for the day with her and Daddy, that really get to me.

Stupid cancer.

[raym]

Don't feel unjustified, we all have had some portion of our life stolen away due to cancer. Unfortunately you need to do what is right for you at the moment, getting past it hopefully to better times. I was doing pretty well through chemo (heading into 9 of 12 this week), but now I am at times wiped out by mid-day and trying to get something done in the evening is hit or miss. I'm fortunate that our kids are adults with less demand on my and wife's time, but still we have things to deal with and it's frustrating not being able to do what I want.

[Sophy]

Hi Beth, my kids too don't like it that I am unable to do many activities with them any more and that makes me feel sad and guilty. One thing that has helped them to deal with me being in bed resting a lot is that instead of Daddy reading them their bedtime stories they now come to me (I go to bed about 6pm, exhausted) and I am able to keep enough energy to stay awake and read and sing songs with them each in turn.

They seem to think that this is a really big bonus, getting extra cuddle and love time with Mummy and it helps me feel less guilty. Even my 11 year old son is happy to read to me for 1/2 an hour and then I'll sing him some songs (anything, Christmas carols, hymns, whatever) as we hug just like when he was a baby.

Otherwise, like you, I just have to rely on my husband and friends to keep the kids busy and happy.

Hope that the rest of your chemo goes OK. Mine wasn't so bad last round as I had the oxi reduced by 20% because of side effects.

[Lee]

My kids were 9 and 11 when I was diagnosed and while they were a little older than your kids, it's hard. When I was going through treatment, I felt we had this unwelcomed "white elephant" (cancer) in our house and no matter how you try to act normal that "white elephant" was always there, intruding on our lives.

Do the best you can, but don't beat your self up. I think almost all families have "crosses" they must bear, if there is a "perfect family" out there, I haven't met them yet. When I was growing up, I lost my Dad at an early age because of the Vietnam War. It was hard on our family and I missed a lot, but I did survive, you and your family will too. You might even find, you're a bit closer today and maybe even a bit stronger than you were when you started this journey.

Good luck,

Lee

[ams5796]

Beth,

I don't know what to say. I really feel for you. Going through cancer treatment has to be the hardest thing we'll ever do. First of all, you're coming to the end of your treatment and before long you'll be feeling well and able to spend more time with your family. Lee's right when she says all families have their crosses to bear. That's really true. It seems that everyone has something that makes being the perfect parent very challenging. You have to think of the positives that you bring to the table. It seems that your husband is great and maybe your marriage is great. Just the fact that you're thinking so much about it means that you'll work even harder. Maybe this experience will make our kids more empathetic than other kids. They're probably learning so much more than you would think watching you go through this. They see your strength and determination and they learn from it.

My kids were a lot older than yours when I got diagnosed (12, 17, 19), but I still feel like it affected so much of our family life. That was five years ago and I feel like I am still trying to make up for lost time. When I got diagnosed we were at a good spot as far as vacations and dinners out etc. Abruptly, all of that ended. But, if you ask them they would say that they're happy and they're just relieved that I'm okay now. They've done really well. My son is a senior in college and my daughter graduated a couple of years ago. My youngest is a junior in high school. Obviously, I wanted to parent in a straight line with no detours, but it didn't work out that way. Unfortunately, we have to play with the cards we're dealt with. It hasn't been easy but we have no choice.

I wish you all the best. Things will get better and you'll have many more years of great parenting.

Ann

[NWgirl]

Sounds like our situations are pretty similar, except I'm 47 now. I was 43 when diagnosed (stage 3c). I got the official "it's cancer" call the day before my sons 5th birthday. My daughter had just turned 7. I completely understand where you are coming from and how much it hurts. All I can offer is that our children really are tougher than we give them credit for. I often wonder how all of this will affect them when they're grown. I can only hope that it gives them an inner strength that they can fall back on when times are hard and realize that if they made it through Mom's cancer, they can handle anything else that life throws at them.

They have had to learn to live with my physical limitations. Chemo, radiation, surgeries, more surgeries, the never ending bathroom issues. In retrospect I realize that it's not just me that appreciates the good days - it's the kids too. And as they have grown, they have been a tremendous help to me. It was really hard when they were little, but as they get older, they are my biggest helpers.

All of us wish I'd never gotten cancer, but it is what it is. We make the best of the good days and help each other through the bad days. Somehow we all adjust and learn to live with Mom's "new normal" and all that entails. I know how much it hurts to see your kids have to go through this - I so get it. Just hug them close and do what you can, when you can.

[simon031003]

I totally feel for you. I see it in my kids too. Ages 8 and 11. They take everything in stride. The other day right after getting the news the his lymph node was cancerous our 8 year old said "Mom I think dad is stage IV now isn't he" Amazing what he understands at such an early age. I told him no he isn't stage IV, because theortically that is true. We have been open and honest about everything the doctors have said. I see them inching closer and closer to his side everyday. For the most part, this is just their normal now. They understand that dad is still sick and that it will be a long time before he is better. Sad for these children to have to grow up so quickly.

[jmarie]

Over the last few months Lilli has really started to notice alot more of whats going on with me and doctors. Since I was dxd before she was born, she never knew anything differant. Just that this is the way Mommy is. I have a chronic cough from the lung tumor, I cough all day long, all night long since March. Quite often the coughing can be so violent it causes me to throw up. Every time I cough she asks me if I am ok, "Mommy can you breathe?" or "Mommy get your medicine". She looks at me so worried. Reading books to her is hard right now because I get out of breath and start wheezing and coughing. My daughter now walks around pretending to cough, a couple of times she has coughed hard enough to make herself throw up, when she had nothing in her mouth and her lungs were clear. She was doing the usual fake, dry coughing, then she gagged and threw up. That broke my heart, I cried for about 2 days. I try to make it into another room before throwing up but that isn't always possible.

Then the whole doctor appt situation. When I come home with any kind of bandaid or bruise she knows I was at the doctor and has to kiss it and hug it and ask me if it hurts. I keep trying to make sure she thinks the doctors help me feel better, I don't want her to be scared of doctors. Her new thing when I take her to daycare and she knows I have a doc appt is " no doctors today mommy, lets stay together"

Last week when I threw my back out my hubby would have to half carry me from room to room, and there would be lilli from behind pushing my butt gently saying "careful Mommy, careful". She is just the sweetest, most caring 2yr old I have even known.

I hate to see how this affects her and I cry about it at somepoint nearly everyday because she is so sweet about it. I pray that it will all be for a good reason down the road, that it will lead her to a career as a nurse, doctor or something else in healthcare. I dream of her finding the cure to Cancer but I don't want to wait that long !

[Russian27]

I am crying Jessica... Thinking of you, you sweet Lilli, my son and just crying...

[abuttigi]

I just wanted to chime in from the kid point of view... even though I'm an adult (22).

I heard this quote once... "An individual doesn't get cancer, a family does." Its really true. The whole family feels it. In fact, I'm writing this now instead of studying because I'm anxious about my dad's CT results on Tuesday. You guys are right, its unfair that we have to grow up so fast, but I hope you can detach it from yourselves and know its not your fault. None of you brought this upon yourselves or your children. And another thing, I know that throughout this ordeal, my dad has never strayed from being my rock. Even when he is feeling the sickest of sick, he still tries to crack jokes and be himself. Know that you are still a source of inspiration for your kids and still their hero, maybe even more so now than ever before.

One more thing, I forgot who said something about hoping this ordeal means your kids will be better able to handle other problems. I know that for me, its made me a more compassionate and understanding person, and has taught me the value of every moment of everyday. A beautiful lesson to learn from such an ugly disease.

[lydia123]

My heart is with all of you.

My son is eleven. My heart broke for him the day he found out a teacher had cancer -- his dad was still in treatment. He fell to pieces terrified that it was going to happen to everyone. It is rough, and then at other times, he surprises me with his maturity and compassion.

My husband is done with treatment now, but we are still reeling from it. I can tell you this much -- the trauma to your kids goes on for a good long time. My husband was first taken off of all parenting duties (for us this was best, due to an unusually hard time with folfox, and too many side-effects from the nausea mix and later oxycocodone...) It took a long, long time for him to reengage. First because he was just too frail, and later, because he kinda fell out of the habit. This in some ways was the hardest thing for me and my son. I wish my husband had handled things better, but he didn't/couldn't/some combination of the two. We fixed this, but it was hard to get there (ok, the trip to Italy helped, but so did all my work to make that happen).

Again, my heart breaks for all of you and your kids.

[Terry]

Your right "stupid cancer"! You have a right to feel the way you do Beth. I couldn't even imagine going through this with young children. It was bad enough with a 16 yr. old. Children that young just don't understand all this and shouldn't have to. Don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't ask for this and yes, you will be more like your old self soon (I pray so). Children are very resilient and they'll be O.K. as long as your O.K. and that's what your doing right now, making sure that you do everything you can to fight this beast.

Your going to have those days Beth when things get to you. I noticed the worse I felt from the chemo (the really bad days), the more sad I would feel on those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day. I'll swing some chickens for you for that;)

[Terry]

abuttigi, how wise you are for 22! Your parents must be so proud of you. Everything you said is true. The entire family gets cancer. I just can't believe how well you write and how smart you are:)

[jens22]

I know that feeling too well. I was really lucky in that somehow I had those few days where I wasn't good..but then I was lucky to have some good days where I went crzay inbetween working to create special moments. It was tough for me because it was in the summer and the kids were always around. The guilt was more on my end. Sometimes we just curled up and watched T.V. They were more upset about relatives being in our house to help out. Now it's a year later...while they are still clingy..they pretty much put it out of there minds. Now mind you I have 3 boys so I don't know the girl aspect. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your doing so much more for your kids than you can every imagine.

[thelongglass]

Thanks for sharing your frustrations. I hate that we have to deal with this. Our kids who are dealing with it well have lowered their expectations for our involvement in their lives, which I don't like. Then the ones who are not dealing with it well are struggling and these formative years are affected by this ugly thing called cancer. Beth, my older two are 5 and 7 and I can tell that they are old enough to know not to ask for things they want from me, while my 3 year old demands more and more because she senses my unavailability. Even with my husband's mother here to help, my youngest has begun to treat her poorly because she doesn't like her to take my place and role in the home. It all makes me cry. Jessica, I am so sorry. It is such a blessing to have these sweet babies around us through this, but it is so hard to see it affecting them! Your post made me cry. Keep up the fight, ladies.