Depression/Moving on after cancer

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mm66ny
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Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby mm66ny » Thu Aug 25, 2011 3:44 pm

I haven't frequented this board much lately (was always more of a lurker) because I thought it was bringing me down, but who else understands what we go through?

I finished cancer treatments well over a year ago, although I wound up in the hospital for emergency surgery due to a small bowel obstruction earlier this year.

Anyway, I seem to have let cancer get the best of me, my marriage and my family. After I finished treatments I felt like a champ: still going to work, still coaching little league, still playing guitar, still laughing with my wife. Mainly had bathroom issues--not the worst in the world. But something about "ok, now go back to your life" has been difficult.

I have been trying so hard to recapture the old me, and in the process heavily grieving the loss of the old me. I should be happy I'm here, standing, working, mobile, but I'm more serious, too deep, I think too much. I see pictures of my life from before cancer and get a palpable ache, and I'm bringing everyone down.

Does this resonate with anyone?
Dx RC, T3N1M0, Feb. 2009
LAR, Ileostomy June 2009
12 Folfox tx
Ileostomy takedown Jan. 2010
June 2014 five years NED
Age 48
married w/7 children
Generally irresponsible

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Bev G
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby Bev G » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:17 pm

Hello:

It's nice to "see" you again on the board after a long time, but I'm sorry this post-cancer weirdness is having this impact on your life. We recently found out that a lot of us are experiencing some version of this. I'm going to go look for the thread, and I'll be right back :wink:

Bev

Here it is:

://coloncancersupport.colonclub.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=25276&p=173398#p173398
58 yo Type1 DM 48 years
12/09 Stage IV 2/22 nodes + liver met, colon resec
3 tx FOLFIRI, liver resec 4/10
9/10 6 mos off chemo, Neg PET&CTC CEA nl
2/11 finished total 10 rounds chemo

9/13 ^17th clean PET/CT NED for now

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Lena
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby Lena » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:40 pm

Yep, I remember talking about the same issue a month or two ago. I found it interesting that there was quite a few of us who feel this way.
Not sure how long this feeling lasts, but I'm so ready to get out of this ....funk!
This is the best supportive site!
Lena
Dx rectal cancer July 30, 2009
Power port placement Aug. 3, 2009
Chemotherapy/Radiation therapy stated August 3, 2009
Chemo/radiation completed October 4th 2009
Proctocolectomy with Ileoanal jpouch November 3, 2009
NED 2014
Stage 2

mm66ny
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby mm66ny » Thu Aug 25, 2011 4:53 pm

Thanks, Bev, for that. It's kind of remarkable how this happens, but I guess it makes sense, too.

My wife, family and I have had such a tough year--because I thought I could just "deal with it" or that I would snap out of it, that she blogged about it. It gives a good perspective on the non-cancer spouse's viewpoint and the damage that can be done if you don't keep your head in check:

http://lisamorguess.wordpress.com/2011/ ... ncer-life/
Dx RC, T3N1M0, Feb. 2009
LAR, Ileostomy June 2009
12 Folfox tx
Ileostomy takedown Jan. 2010
June 2014 five years NED
Age 48
married w/7 children
Generally irresponsible

stexcanuck
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby stexcanuck » Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:23 pm

Unfortunately, you are by far not alone. We are supposed to be happy to have it beat / NED, but we don't function like we used to, are nervous about going out / eating something that will trigger the "express" button. Some functions get nuked with the tumor. I am in a funk right now as well..... often times can't make a simple decision anymore. Just have to soldier on and try not to drive our spouses nuts while we try to get to a point of acceptance and balance again.
43M
Heart Stents 1/10
dx Rectal CA Stage III B 5/10
LAR/TME 09/10, 27 cm rectum/colon removed, 1/27 nodes +
Ileo reversal w/ straight pipes 12/10
DX Kidney CA 5/11, Partial Lt removal (open surg) 08/11
They keep us patched up and rollin'

SkiFletch
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby SkiFletch » Thu Aug 25, 2011 6:28 pm

Hey man, like everything with this freaking disease, everyone's post-treatment response is relatively unique. I can't really commiserate with you although I can say that you're in no way alone in your feelings. Plenty of folks go through post treatment anxiety. We'll probably never know what the percentage is, but given the discussions I've read here, it's not small proportion. I read through your wife's blog and one thing that I think is pretty true for all of us is when she said:
I wonder how many of them secretly feel like outsiders


Even as blessedly easy as I've been able to handle living without that safety net I know I feel this way. Regardless of HOW, I'm pretty sure everyone here would admit that their life was changed forever by cancer. And specifically it's usually changed in ways that other folks just don't understand. When I'm walking around in public I often think of myself as different than anyone else. My wife reminds me that it's not the greatest of thought processes since how do I know what these other people are dealing with. Maybe some of them are cancer patients too... Even though I can turn them around, those thoughts still creep in all the time. Realisitically, others do not understand what we go through.

Just wanted to finish by saying it's more than OK to seek help. Maybe your onc knows someone you can talk to that deals with cancer patients. They're probably your best shot at understanding what you're going through aside from the rest of us :).
11/13/09 5cm Stage IV 9/25 lymph nodes w/2cm peritoneal met at 29 YoA
12/15/09 LA right hemi-colectomy
6/16/10 Folfox FINISHED
8/10/10 Prophylactic HIPEC
10/9/10 got Married :D
Still NED and living life to the fullest

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Bill5107
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby Bill5107 » Thu Aug 25, 2011 7:14 pm

I'll say that I've been in a funk lately too, so yes, it resonates here too. Had a few weeks of alternating between highs and miserable get-outta-my-way blues within hours of each other at times.

I like to think I'm well adjusted overall, but lately, it's not been a picnic. A few nights ago I had my first real experience of resenting how things were going. (In particular that my new norm included a bag taped over my stoma) I'm an avid people watcher and engineer at heart, so I also immediately tried to analyze what was going on with me.

Thank God for good friends and folks in my life able to help me recognize when I'm stuck in an unhealthy pattern! I've really leaned on them in the last few weeks. It works for me so far, though it does seem to take work.

I'll second that we all have our own ways to deal, whatever the similarities might be. I also do bring up these issues with my Drs, how long, how it affect my sleep and so on so they can keep tabs and I get a reality check. I also participate in local groups as well as leaning on friends. I'll second the notion that your oncologist probably could share resources with you for counseling or whatever is appropriate for you. They are good resources in general.
2010-07-02 Dx rectal cancer (Stage 3)
'-07-21 Chemoradiation
'-10-13 APR surgery, 10/18 nodes still active
'-11-22 12x2wk rnds FOLFOX
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vickster
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby vickster » Thu Aug 25, 2011 7:39 pm

mm66ny,
Thanks so much for posting that link to your wife's blog...wow. Since my last chemo treatment in July, I've been having moments where I just break down and cry, and I too was thinking that I was suffering from something like PTSD. I'm having fewer moments these days; I think my job teaching has really helped me with that. And, I am trying to not expect to get to back to the old me...although, I get it, that whole grieving for the old me part.

...and, the feeling like an outsider. Fletch, I like your wife's comment.

Vicki
12/14/10 Dx at age 40; staged at IIa, T3N0M0
1/17/11 FOLFOX starts, Oxi reduced for Rounds 8-9, 5FU/LV for Rounds 10-12
7/6/11 LAST CHEMO TREATMENT!
Lynch negative

5/26/11 Mom dx with Stage III colon cancer at age 75 :-(
FOLFOX starts 7/18/11 :-(

tammylayne
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby tammylayne » Thu Aug 25, 2011 8:53 pm

Interesting topic. I told my oncologist today that I felt like I was on this bus, and it was weaving all over the road since there seemed to be no one driving the bus! I am in the "follow up" stage of active treatment is over, but no one is directing me on what exactly "follow up stage treatment" is, what it looks like or who is in charge. A real out of control feeling, and if you are like me, that quite often is the basis of the confused feelings.

I agree that for many, maybe most of us - life will never be the same. I think the important part is understanding that this does not have to be a bad thing. It is just a matter of getting there mentally, to a place that feels right. For myself, I think I am part way there. I have grieved for my past and put it to rest. I am ready for the future, whatever that might be, however long that might be. I have also given myself permission to be ok with the bad days that are sure to pop up, especially in these early days of no treatment.

I posted this quote on my other post, but I think it deserves it again:
"You never know how strong you are, until life gives you no choice and you are forced to be your own hero." :wink:

We are all strong. We are all heros. Be kind to yourself.....

Tammylayne
51 F
'06 Stage 1 CC,
'10 Stage 3 Rectal

"You never know how strong you are until you have to become your own hero."

so-scared
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby so-scared » Thu Aug 25, 2011 8:54 pm

Your wife's blog is amazing! We have just recently stepped onto the cancer battle field so we are not in the same place as a couple that the two of you are. I wish you the best and echo what others have said as far as finding someone to help you through this.

One of our children has a rare disorder that took seven years of doctoring to figure out. When we did he was at a borderline age for the treatment. Since this is a relatively new disease that has been identified, the insurance company deemed the treatment to be experimental. We popped the $15,000 and went ahead with it as it was pretty much his only chance to have a normal life. We got our kid back. He went back to school for the first time in years etc. I then said that I felt like I had PSTD. Many of the parents of these kids did. This is real and it is hard. Unfortunately for our son, he relapsed and we have been struggling ever since. My point bringing this up is that I have gone to battle before and definitely had the PSTD at a point that I should have been on top of the world.

Hang in there and seek help so you can have the wonderful life that you and your family want and deserve!

So-s
DH 51 yo
dx 5/16/11 stg 4 RC
mets both lobes liver & lung
6/11 chem/rad
FOLFOX 9-12/11
12/11 TME/liver resect/rfa (15 tumors)
more Folfox w/Avastin
5/12 innumerable mets liver
Folfox/Avas FAIL
9/12 FOLFIRI/Erb FAIL
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Had to leave 5/23/14

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pmterra
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby pmterra » Thu Aug 25, 2011 9:15 pm

I agree with your wife's blog and how you are feeling. I thought I was crazy that I was so depressed the year after treatment and my husband was NED. I have to say that my husband deals with it a lot better than I do. I guess what bothers me the most is that when people ask me how he is and I say "he's doing really well" I see the relief in their eyes and I know they think it's over. As we know it's never really over. We can go through our lives thinking we know what's going to happen next, until we don't! Three years later and so much to be thankful for, I still think about cancer every day. My husband refuses to let it take another minute of his life. Not that he doesn't think of it, but he lets it go a lot quicker than I'm able to. I don't even tell him how often I check in on this site. He worries that I'm obsessing! It just makes me feel better to know that there are people who feel the same way I do. Maybe a lot of it is that while we're having treatment we feel like we're doing something and when that ends, as your wife said, you're out there on your own trying to find your way back to a "normal" life. Thanks for bringing this up, I'm sure there are many people who will feel better just finding out that others feel the same way.
caregiver to survivor husband
Stage 3C - Colon
surgery June, 2008
6 mo. chemo/FOLFOX & Avastin
June 2015 - 7 year survivor :)

Surroundedbylove
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby Surroundedbylove » Fri Aug 26, 2011 12:06 am

I have felt waves of it - it comes and goes. You are definitely not alone.

SBL
Surroundedbylove

Rectal Cancer @ 43, '08
Clinical: T3,N2a,MX (IIIB)
6 wks XELOX & radiation
LAR, colonic j-pouch, & temp ileo '09
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Gaelen
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby Gaelen » Fri Aug 26, 2011 1:27 am

mm66ny wrote:Anyway, I seem to have let cancer get the best of me, my marriage and my family. After I finished treatments I felt like a champ: still going to work, still coaching little league, still playing guitar, still laughing with my wife. Mainly had bathroom issues--not the worst in the world. But something about "ok, now go back to your life" has been difficult.


I dunno - when I hear phrases like "let cancer get the best of me," I want to ask at what point does this stop being a contest? Cancer is cancer...it's not personal, it's not a vendatta, and despite the popular metaphors, it's not a war - at least not in my world. If I declared war on cancer, I'd be going to war against my own body - and that can't possibly end well. ;) If there's no war, then there's no contest and no victory dance and no winner who gets the best of one or the other opponent. So I'm not sure that, from the frame of mind that I can't be at war against my own body, I can ever "let cancer get the best of me." I refuse to let cancer turn this into some kind of a contest. ;)

I'm not sure why we expect to experience a life changing event and then just "go back" to our lives. I mean, when you think about it, we don't get a return to how it was before after any other life changer like having a kid or getting married or losing something major (a family member, a job.) I mean, newlyweds or new parents may *think* for a wee brief moment that once married or once parents, everything will be the same as it was before those things changed their lives. And then it isn't - and never will be again - and they have to either adjust or drown, fast. Why is it that we have different expectations after a dangerous life-changer like a major loss or illness?

It's almost like we expect time to stop, like we're treating cancer as some sort of defined and temporary vacation in hell, after which we can return home and pick up our lives exactly where we left off. Well...um...no - especially not if we had surgery, chemo, radiation. Our bodies are changed. Our minds and our perspectives are often changed, too. And while we were on our little vacations in cancer hell for six months or a year or longer, the rest of the world kept spinning and everyone else's lives moved on in different directions. And our lives didn't stop - they kept moving as they were being irrevocably changed. Like it or admit it or not, we ARE different people now, if for no other reasons than that we all have a new dimension of experience. Each of us was/is changed, to some personal extent, and some of us far more so than others. But we are still all different from the people we were before cancer.

So why do we cling to the expectation that at some point we can pick up right where we left off and have our old lives back as if nothing had happened?

mm66ny wrote:I have been trying so hard to recapture the old me, and in the process heavily grieving the loss of the old me.


And there's the problem. You can't recapture something and accept/mourn its loss at the same time. What you're trying to "recapture" doesn't exist any longer.

mm66ny wrote:I should be happy I'm here, standing, working, mobile, but I'm more serious, too deep, I think too much. I see pictures of my life from before cancer and get a palpable ache, and I'm bringing everyone down.


So - cancer made you stop and catch your breath, stop and think - and that's a bad thing?
There's nothing wrong with being more serious for a period after a cancer dx, or thinking about what's going on, or even recognizing that some things about yourself and your life have changed, and you're not the same person you were a year ago.

Another way to look at this is that even if you hadn't had cancer, you likely wouldn't be exactly the same person today that you were a year ago. We grow, we change, we form new opinions, we develop as people every day longer that we live. If I were exactly the same as I was on April 29 before I was diagnosed, then I wouldn't have grown very much as a person, would I?

It's ok to recognize that you've changed. It's okay to grieve for what you've lost - and celebrate what you've gained. But don't ever beat yourself up for recognizing that you've changed.

I think that shrinks call that "growth." ;)
Be in harmony with your expectations. - Life Out Loud
4/04: dx'd @48 StageIV RectalCA w/9 liver mets. 8 chemos, 4 surgeries, last remission 34 mos.
2/11 recurrence R lung, spinal bone mets - chemo, RFA lung mets
4/12 stopped treatment

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Candyys03
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby Candyys03 » Fri Aug 26, 2011 2:11 am

Michael,
Congratulations on being cancer free!
You a have a beautiful family and your wife is a very good writer.Thank you for sharing her blog with us.
We all go through things.Even though I attend two support groups, one at my hospital and one at my church I still have feelings and get depressed,moody,anxious,can't sleep,too much sleep,scared,cry etc... unfortunately it comes with the cancer or just about any disease.I like the support groups because you can talk about things with others and support one another like here on the colon club.There are some people that need more than that and see a therapist,psychiatrist or counselor.
Maybe you can relate to these posts-
viewtopic.php?f=1&t=22084
viewtopic.php?f=1&t=19046

Last year my husband and I weren't seeing eye to eye.I was overwhelmed,being smothered with him bringing home all kinds of stuff-pills,drinks,herbs,natural concoctions, etc...to save me and we aren't in a financial situation to do so.His "Are you OK?","Do you need anything","You need to or should be eating this" this is all wonderful and considerate but not ALL the time especially when I was puking or sleeping.I was in a moody period then he started going to the caregivers support group and going to the support group at church with me.He changed his ways.He was more understanding about what I was going through and we started relating to each other again.You may never be the old person you used to be before you got cancer but you can be a better person than you were before.Everything has changed friends,family work,body,health,etc...Your outlook on life is different too.You will still have some bad days or rough times but it will pass and life can be better and brighter.Don't sweat the small stuff.Enjoy what you have.
We are all here supporting you and cheering you on.The best thing is we're here day and night.

It's not always about cancer.There are some pretty funny posts on here and we have some funny people/writers on here too.We share just about everything-poop,pooping,vacations,songs,blogs,movies,family,pets,weather,events,recipes,food,pictures,about ourselves,our lives,good and bad.We always celebrate cancerversarys,birthdays,weddings,clear scans,NEDs,and just about anything we can celebrate here at the colon club.
Here's a few older posts-
viewtopic.php?f=1&t=14331
viewtopic.php?f=1&t=18300
viewtopic.php?f=1&t=16033
viewtopic.php?f=1&t=15086

Hoping that things will get better for you.
Candy :D
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Terry
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Re: Depression/Moving on after cancer

Postby Terry » Fri Aug 26, 2011 3:12 am

I'm normally a very easy going positive person. I started letting this get to me too and found myself crying over the stupidest stuff. My dog died and every time someone mentioned her I'd start crying. Yeah, that's normal to a certain extent but I don't think six weeks after I should just start crying at her name, that just wasn't me. I went to the doctor and she put me on Zoloft 50 mg (lowest dose) and it has made so much difference. I was on it for a couple of months after being diagnosed with stage IV also but then able to go off. I imagine I'll go off of this to after a while. Point being maybe you should go to the doc and try going on one too, at least temporarily. You want to go on with your life and not let this cancer rule it.

Think about it, it could make a difference.

God Bless!
Terry
DX 7/3/07
Chemo, radiation, 20 mo. chemo, IMRT, cyberknife, 6/11 lobectomy.
1/16 resection perm. colostomy intraop. rad.
PET 2/12 nose, thyroid, liver, lngs
Folfox 3/12
Lord I know You'll keep me here until
you know I cannot suffer any longer!


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