Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

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adina91
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Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby adina91 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 4:30 pm

My mom sent me this today and thought it was hilarious and wanted to share!

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ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for theMiami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result..'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Adina 42 yo, mom of 2 sons (5,9)
11/2009 - DX-2B CC-Sigmoid resect/colostomy
Lynch Synd MSH2
1/2010 - FLOX chemo
5/2010 - Subtotal colectomy/hyster/ileostomy
Stage 3A - 1/42 LN +
8/2010 - Chemo done
10/18/2010 - ileostomy takedown
2010 - 2015 - NED
5/1/15 - "suspicious" area in liver on CT
5/14/15 - follow up PET says no metastatic disease
6/19/15 - MRI - NED!

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Canadianmom
Posts: 603
Joined: Wed Nov 03, 2010 6:29 pm

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby Canadianmom » Fri Aug 05, 2011 4:58 pm

Adina that was hilarious!! I really enjoyed that especially "Hey doc, can you write a note saying that my head is not up there" LOL!! Thanks for making my day!
30/09/10 Dx mCRC/ 39 yrs old
08/11/10 liver met; Stage IV
23/11/10 PET 2 lit LNs
25/11/10 RFA to liver met
13/12/10 Folfox 6 plus Avastin.
15/03/11 After 7 rounds. NED. No further tx. 2014 still NED
Praying for patience and strength.

adina91
Posts: 490
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Facebook Username: Adina Jewett
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby adina91 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 5:13 pm

Haha! That one is my fave too!!!!
Adina 42 yo, mom of 2 sons (5,9)
11/2009 - DX-2B CC-Sigmoid resect/colostomy
Lynch Synd MSH2
1/2010 - FLOX chemo
5/2010 - Subtotal colectomy/hyster/ileostomy
Stage 3A - 1/42 LN +
8/2010 - Chemo done
10/18/2010 - ileostomy takedown
2010 - 2015 - NED
5/1/15 - "suspicious" area in liver on CT
5/14/15 - follow up PET says no metastatic disease
6/19/15 - MRI - NED!

SugarBubbie
Posts: 239
Joined: Sun Jun 12, 2011 3:55 pm
Facebook Username: Rhonda Pinkston
Location: Texas

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby SugarBubbie » Fri Aug 05, 2011 8:49 pm

funny!

My actual words to my doc after he told me that I had a rectal tumor "my mom is gonna be so mad at me. she always told me I shouldn't have swallowed that quarter when I was little". He started laughing along with my husband.
DX Stage II anal cancer 2007 age 57
Radiation 6 weeks, Xeloda/oxilaplatin
DX Breast cancer Jun 2011 Stage3 one lymph nodes
Taxol 12 weeks FAC 4 tx, 31 radiations
5 year survivor certificate from MDA 2012 for anal cancer
DX triple neg bc oct 2015 4 rounds adriamyicyn, 20 radiations
"Positivity has no downside"

adina91
Posts: 490
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:36 pm
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Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby adina91 » Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:03 pm

Haha!!! I love that! You gotta have that humor otherwise you go crazy!
Adina 42 yo, mom of 2 sons (5,9)
11/2009 - DX-2B CC-Sigmoid resect/colostomy
Lynch Synd MSH2
1/2010 - FLOX chemo
5/2010 - Subtotal colectomy/hyster/ileostomy
Stage 3A - 1/42 LN +
8/2010 - Chemo done
10/18/2010 - ileostomy takedown
2010 - 2015 - NED
5/1/15 - "suspicious" area in liver on CT
5/14/15 - follow up PET says no metastatic disease
6/19/15 - MRI - NED!

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CheeseHead
Posts: 1171
Joined: Sat Jul 31, 2010 2:36 pm
Location: Netherlands

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby CheeseHead » Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:25 am

Had to drag myself off the floor to reach the keyboard to type this!

(And yes, I had the Moviprep - how I hate you, you insidious volcanic eruption-causing, foul tasting POWDER!)

Ciao,
Cheese
    2008
    10 Stg 4 colon srgry
    12 Xelox/Avast
    2009
    05 Liver srgry
    -12 Xelox
    2010
    05 Xelox
    08 Iri/Vect
    11 Liver srgry
    2011
    01-05 Iri,Vect,Xeloda
    09 CyberKnife
    2012
    03-07 Ph I trial
    08-11 Regorafenib
    2013-
    Xeloda
    Vecti
    Iri
    Xelox

sadysue
Posts: 978
Joined: Tue Aug 02, 2011 6:59 pm
Location: Charleston, TN

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby sadysue » Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:14 am

OMG, there should be a rule written someplace that we MUST read something like this every morning when we wake up! Great way to start the day - tears rolling down my face from laughter and my side hurting from laughing so hard! Thanks for sharing this.
Mary Ann (aka: sadysue)
Rectal dx 4/2011 (Stage 3B - T3N1M0)
5FU/Rad - daily/6 wks ending 6/2011
Surgery 8/19/2011
Finished 8 rounds Folfox 2/2012
Ileo reverse and port out 3/2012
NED

nicola smith
Posts: 1039
Joined: Thu Oct 07, 2010 9:06 am

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby nicola smith » Sat Aug 06, 2011 9:43 am

vodka in prep?? who knew 8)
UC history
11/09: Dx, CEA 2.9
02/10: colectomy, temp ileo; pT3N1Mx
10/10: 12 Folfox6
03/11: jpouch
2010/11/12/13/14: 6 PET and/or CT's - NED
quarterly 03/2010- 03/2015: CEA range 0.8-1.3
03/2015: discharged to GP :D

Buckwirth
Posts: 121
Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2011 3:07 am
Location: Orange County, California

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby Buckwirth » Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:41 pm

While very funny, the copied email here is heavily edited by forwarders who found parts a little risque, or wanted to add their own humor.

For the original Dave Barry article published in 2008, go here:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/v-fullstory/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html
Dx April 2010
Stage IV
Mets to distant lymph
Colostomy 1/2011
Folfox w Avastin 4/2010 to 9/2010
Radiation 10/2010
Erbitux/Irinotecan 6/2011 to 12/2011
Currently out of treatment options? 12/2011
Back on Folfox 2/2012

adina91
Posts: 490
Joined: Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:36 pm
Facebook Username: Adina Jewett
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby adina91 » Sat Aug 06, 2011 6:26 pm

Hey Buck! Thank you SO much for that! While still hilarious, it really brings home the point, which the email my mom forwarded to me did not. I will now forward this along to her. I always kick myself too because I knew I had a family history and knew my father was young when first diagnosed. I should have had a colonoscopy in my 20s. Dumb Dumb Dumb! I always tell people this now so they will please get checked!!!!

Anyway, I appreciate you posting the original thank you!!
Adina 42 yo, mom of 2 sons (5,9)
11/2009 - DX-2B CC-Sigmoid resect/colostomy
Lynch Synd MSH2
1/2010 - FLOX chemo
5/2010 - Subtotal colectomy/hyster/ileostomy
Stage 3A - 1/42 LN +
8/2010 - Chemo done
10/18/2010 - ileostomy takedown
2010 - 2015 - NED
5/1/15 - "suspicious" area in liver on CT
5/14/15 - follow up PET says no metastatic disease
6/19/15 - MRI - NED!

User avatar
TheBurn
Posts: 444
Joined: Sun Sep 26, 2010 8:21 pm
Location: West Chester, PA

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby TheBurn » Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:01 pm

And it refers to "our" very own Colossal Colon
Living Life Colon-Free
-----------------------------------------
52
RC 7/20/10
Proctocolectomy/ileo 10/22/10; Sx Path - T3N1M0
Folfox - 1/12/11; Xelox - 2/23/11
Xeloda - 3/16-6/21/11
Chemo-rad 6/29-8/8/11
NED 8/15/11

User avatar
Maggie Nell
Posts: 745
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby Maggie Nell » Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:31 pm

Was scratching around in the basement - found this, thought I'd bump it.
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour found upon emergency r. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX

Lee
Posts: 5625
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: Hilarious Colonoscopy Journal

Postby Lee » Mon Jan 01, 2018 5:55 pm

Here is another odie butt goody. This one deals with those "silent, butt deadly farts". I read it here many years ago.

http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that ... my-destiny.

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 10 years and counting!


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