Finances and the Future

[seussfan]

OK - my husband doesn't talk with me much about how I am feeling, what can he get me, etc...but he has fixaded on our finances lately and he wants me to "tell him what I want' - FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS, FIGURE OUT A


PLAN IF FOR SOME REASON I CAN'T WORK SOME DAY, ETC.

I AM THE EVER AVOIDING OPTOMIST. I REALLY DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH ME IF I DIE, OR HOW WE WOULD AFFORD THINGS IF I SUDDLENLY CAN'T WORK.

JEZZ....I AM COMIMG TO MY LAST TREATMENT AND JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE THAT! IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

[Terry]

No, it's not to much to ask for! Tell him you'll worry about those things later and to let you get through this first.

In his defense, he may feel like these are the things that he can control, since he can't control what's going on with you.

I already told my husband, throw me on the burn pile in the back yard and don't waste the money. Play the song "Another One Bites The Dust". I know that's sick

Seriously, I offered him the information of everything I want when I first found out I had cancer. When your ready you'll discuss it.

[Rui]

Hi, just take that kind of thoughts off your head , your alive!!

I finished chemo last week, stage 3 as you are and I never thought about that, i'm here to stay for long.

We are too young, and keep the head up and a positive attitude, maybe your husband needs stop talking about those subjects, that's not going to improve nothing!

You are here, live a day each time, if I ever must face something bad I will, but not at this stage.

I know in US the treatments are expensive, and the insurances do not always cover some stuff, but you being here and sharing day by day that with your husband surelly is more important than money.

If nothing is bad at the moment with you, enjoy life, enjoy your kids if you have them.

Keep your faith and prays.
Rui

[Guest]

My husband doesn't talk to me much either about how I'm feeling. Sucks doesn't it? I guess they are just scared and don't know how to deal with it. I'm like Terry, I've told him if I don't make it, cremate me and scatter my ashes at the beach. I don't want an expensive funeral, waste of money if you ask me.

Let's both hope we don't have to worry about not working or death. As with most things in life, you just meet it head on and deal with it. Worrying doesn't fix a thing.

I just had my last chemo treatment last Tuesday. I can't wait to celebrate once I get some energy back. Good luck on your last one.

[Sweet Peg]

Good grief!! Since when is Stage III a death sentence!!???? For that matter, since when is CANCER a Death Sentence anymore??!!! More people with Stage III Colon Cancer are Surviving and living complete, normal lives more and more each day with the new treatments for Colon Cancer!! My goodness, Stage IV Colon Cancer Survivors are living longer and longer and longer with the newer treatments. The number one thing on my mind would be getting done with your treatments and getting back to a more normal life. I am a Stage IIIa Colon Cancer survivor who will be Cancer FREE for 3 years in January. The longer you go Cancer Free, the higher the chance for complete Survival and no recurrence. Sorry, but I have found that a positive attitude and looking toward the FUTURE helps as much as the treatments themselves...... so get through the treatments.....CELEBRATE and IF later on down the road things look like you need to be looking into such things, do it. I guess the best advice I can give your husband is stop trying to control life with worry and try giving it to God and trusting that you will both know if something needs to be taken care of. Enjoy life and take one day at a time, SMILE and ENJOY the new life we survivors have been given!! There is nothing wrong with you feeling the way you do girl. You keep feeling that way and keep being OPTIMISTIC!!!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!! Big HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Peg

[seussfan]

You guys are all great. Please don't get me wrong - my husband is the best, but lately he is fixated on this stuff. I guess it is his way of dealing with whatever crap he is going through. He is more Type A than me and I never thought that was possible!

I just want to focus on the fact that I only have one more treatment left. That I am NED. That my CEA is 1. That all my scans have been clean. I kow he is worried about our three kids and I know that he went through hell back in March when I nearly died (my blood levels were so low they said they were surprised I didn't die of a heart attack) and when I had emergency surgery, ended up in the hospital for almost two weeks, yadada yadada, etc. etc. I know he gets flashbacks to that time when he thought he might end up a single dad.

But I am ALIVE! We should focus on that. ALIVE!

[FiG-S~]

I can relate. I too am an optimist but it did bring us to a few things that could happen to either one of us because you just never know. So although I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, we still made a few adjustments. I realized it was important to have our bank accounts in both names. (We had a joint accunt and each had a separate as well.) A will is needed but I'm a procrastinator. I'm not doing it because I plan on dying but because at some point we will both eventually die and it's in the best interest of the family. He too asked about funeral arrangements, I told him I didn't care, I'd be dead. We also talked about the what if in the case of a car accident, for either one, that way it wasn't like the cancer was making us decide. And he had some decisions too. (Although we've yet to finalize most.)

I haven't worked since last Christmas break. Went home one day, and never went back. What I did learn, is that cancer is a disability that social security recognizes. And if you receive it, so will your children. Not to bring up death, but children recieve benefits from social security until, I believe 18, if they are in school. (Haven't researched the details, but picked up on the info from former students.)

Throw some info his way and then plan for one helluva party and CELEBRATE life!!

[weisssoccermom]

Totally off the original subject but in response to the last post.

Yes, as long as a parent has worked and qualifies for Social Security, then the children do also under the following guidelines.

1. Your child will receive SS benefits up to age 18 or 19 if still in high school. In other words, if your child will turn 19 during his senior year, he/she will still qualify until graduation. Benefits run one month late so if graduation is in June, then the last benefit payment will be in July.

2. If BOTH parents should die, then the child is only allowed ONE benefit-they will give you the highest.

3. Your child is allowed benefits after age 19 only if he/she is medically disabled and the disability began before (I believe) age 22,

4. If the remaining spouse is taking care of a child/children under the age of 16, then that spouse also qualifies for benefits.

5. There is a maximum family amount that can be received each month, so it is possible if there are a lot of children, they will NOT all receive the same amount, but rather the total amount will be paid out for all of them.

I went through this two years ago with a dear friend of mine when her ex-husband died. One thing to note is that if you are divorced at the time of a death (not sure of a disability), the surviving parent does NOT qualify for benefits if the child is under 16. That is only applicable if the parents were married (again not sure about something like legal separation) at the time of a death.

You are also correct in the disability aspect of payments. Children also can receive benefits if a parent becomes disabled. If I am not mistaken, the same rules apply as those above. You also need to be aware that some or all of these benefits (whether disability or death benefits) can be taxable both for the child as well as the surviving/disabled parent.

Also, the SS Administration now requires the surviving parent/guardian to keep track of what the benefits are spent on and to submit a yearly report detailing those expenditures. They obviously don't want every little receipt, but they do want to make sure that the child's money is being spent on, at the very least: housing, clothing & food so they do want someone to keep track of it.

Sorry if I deviated, but it is important info to know, not just because all of us have cancer, but because we just never know when something could happen to ANYONE of us.

[meighan]

Hi there and congratulations!!!! We are 18months out from diagnosis and just received the good news clear scans and blood work all normal. We have three kids as well. Your email brings me back to that scary time. I remember being so confused about how I was feeling and what i was thinking about during that time and then i read some of the posts regarding leaving the safety net of chemo and realized that was some of what i was feeling. At least when he was getting chemo he was being watched and we were actively fighting it...............and now we were expected to just go back to normal whatever that is after all we had been through. I can only imagine it is a little like post traumatic stress syndrome. I did some of the same things your husband is doing trying to somehow prepare for the worst so we wouldn't be smacked from behind again...........takes awhile to learn that is no way to live.......the unexpected is everywhere and all around us. We too did sit down and plan together including my life insurance if he was sick and something happened to me so the focus was not all on his cancer. Time does make it easier. He is doing great and we have found our new normal, it also is important to say I was not worried for me or him I was excruciatingly sad for us with the bad news and then ecstatic with the good but my true fear came for my kids who were 1,5 and 7. Having little ones and being a family makes all the wonderful news more wonderful and on the flip side the scary more scary all at the same time. Good luck, be gentle with one another you have both been through so much and it will take a while to find a home for all those emotions. Again congrats to both of us young families finding our way after cancer:D

[bradyr]

Tish,

I think your husband is just trying to cope. speaking from the male viewpoint; it's so hard to have a loved one ill and have there be nothing you can do. We're use to soving problems.

he also may be afraid to accept the good news that you're ok for awhile because the alternative is so horrible, he can't face the letdown. So he may be trying to plan for the worst case so he can be prepared himself if and when that outcome happens.

My advice, if you haven't already done so is to tell him that you'd like to deal with all of that later and just be happy with the normal time right now. I'm sure he'll understand.

[Scotaku]

Talk to him, Trish. Tell him what you'd rather be asked about. Acknowledge that what he is driving at is important (because it is) but clue him in to the fact that you want to be heard too.

You and I are a little opposite in this regard. My wife has been very conscientious of how I'm feeling, both sensing and asking. She has also been abundantly tolerant of my moods and anger and sensitivities. It has not all been as rosy and optimistic as I may try to convince people! I've had worries on my mind about our finances and procedures for her as my beneficiary and my wishes for after I'm gone. We've been able to talk about it here and there so it need not be some monumental conference of your family's fortune.

The reality is, I'm safe at home and she's running the gauntlet of I-95 this morning... she could be gone before me. We have to talk about these things even though they are not fun subjects. Do you and your husband need to do it right now? No, not if you ask me. But I would say it needs to be done and its deserves some quality time set aside.

[seussfan]

We talked and he lost it. I think he has been holding everything in for so long. We have agreed to wait until after Christmas to have "the talk" and just enjoy the end of chemo and the holidays. I made an appointment with a financial planner for January - all the other stuff we did a while ago (will, etc.). He apparently has been carrying all this weight on his shoulders - he had talked to me about his feelings about me and his fears, but never the "what if I can't support the kids/take care of everything without you" stuff.

Scotaku - I noticed you live in Elkridge, MD...that is where I live! My kids go to Rockburn and Elkridge Landing.

[helen098]

I think in general you should concentrate on the positive that you have almost finished chemo and that you feel good About the finances and other unpleasant things I think if you haven’t already done so you should talk to your husband Just to be sure he knows where all of the papers are and your final wishes not to be morbid but you should talk about his too.
The reason I am saying this is my parents were married for 29 years when my dad died. And he never talked about how he wanted to be buried or much about there finances. After he died we had to run about looking for his papers (we never got the car back from his “friend” that was minding it) and he never discussed where he wanted to be buried.
This was a problem since he did not consider himself part of any religion (his mother was Jewish, his father protestant My mother was catholic and raised us kids catholic. The only thing my dad ever said was that he didn’t want to be embalmed My mother made the decision to bury him from a Jewish funeral home and they got a plot in a non denominational cemetery. I never agreed with her decision but I didn’t want to make things harder for her. Even when they told us that my dads chemo (for acute myoplastic leukemia) didn’t work and that he would die he refused to talk to me about anything he only said he would beat the leukemia. After my dad died I sat down with my mom and we talked about everything so when she died we knew exactly what she wanted and where everything was. Even then there was a surprise when she didn’t get rid of a document she promised she would and my brother found out when him and his wife were going through my mothers underwear draw that my father was married before my mother and gave his son up for adoption (long story) the day after we buried my mom.
I think everyone should tell their loved ones there final wishes and have there finances in order just in case you never know
Think about all of those people who went to work on Sep 11 and never returned home.
Afterwards celebrate party dance, sing what ever makes you happy

[Scotaku]

We talked and he lost it. I think he has been holding everything in for so long.

I had a feeling that might happen though it sounds like he may have needed the relief. My wife has had her moments where she's in tears afraid to lose me and, thankfully, those have been the times I found strength for her. Those feelings have to be let out.

It's good to put a date out there and let it come when it comes. After the holidays will be great. If I may, I suggest you both decide to plan for the other. We might be sick, but they might get hit by a bus! I also suggest to treat it as just business. It's a wise thing to do but it's a tender subject talking about yourself... so just be Gordon Gecko for an hour or two.

Scotaku - I noticed you live in Elkridge, MD...that is where I live! My kids go to Rockburn and Elkridge Landing.

I know both of those schools! Back off Montgomery Ave! Jody and I lived off of Greenfield and Rowanberry near Rt 1 when we first married. Now we're on Old Waterloo at 108. I'd seen a handful of us in/around DC when Magnolia posted her dinner invite (that I missed). Unfortunately, I leave for Cancun tomorrow (yesssss), Turkey Day, then BUM Bum bummmm... surgery on the 29th. You guys can come visit me at GBMC!