It feels as if I have just been hit in the side of the head with a baseball bat.
I can't sleep - I wake up crying!! Poor husband is suffering as much as I am.
Had my surgery on 4th January sig/rectal ressection - feeling great!! Went to the doc on 3rd February - he takes a look at my scar and does an internal and says this "looks really good". He then went over and looked at my file and said "this is bad". Hospital lost my file and didn't send it to my surgeon or my family doctor.
I have involvement in 3 out of 17 lymph nodes. (does this mean stage III??)
I was booked for Florida(I was under the impression that I was in the clear)It will take 2 weeks for me to see an oncologist, so I will fly home to Canada when I get an appointment.
I'm devastated - what is th prognosis radiation/chemo - I can't stop crying I'm soooo scared.
Please tell me some "good news" - I really need it right now.
I need an "honest" opinion on what to expect from Chemo/radiation.
I'm scaring myself with reading all the statistics on stage III.
I'm not ready to die - I have too many things to do.
scared silly
-
Guest
Joy,
I can't tell you what they will stage you at but I can tell you there are many stage III and IV survivors on this board.
I was diagnosed in Sept. of 2004, stage IIIC. To make a very long story short, I finished chemo exactly one year later to the date of diagnosis. Had blood work, cat scan and pet scan and it was confirmed there was no sign of cancer.
Try not to let yourself get too overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and wait to see what they say before you start making up scenario's in your head.......okay. I know it's hard but rememember one day at a time. Sometimes when dealing with cancer it can be one breath at a time!
I'll include you in my prayers,
Mary
I can't tell you what they will stage you at but I can tell you there are many stage III and IV survivors on this board.
I was diagnosed in Sept. of 2004, stage IIIC. To make a very long story short, I finished chemo exactly one year later to the date of diagnosis. Had blood work, cat scan and pet scan and it was confirmed there was no sign of cancer.
Try not to let yourself get too overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and wait to see what they say before you start making up scenario's in your head.......okay. I know it's hard but rememember one day at a time. Sometimes when dealing with cancer it can be one breath at a time!
I'll include you in my prayers,
Mary
-
AnthonyKramer
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2005 9:24 pm
- Location: Portland, Oregon
Reply
Greetings from the Pacific Northwest, Joy.
I am a 28 year old with Stage II and I took advice from 4 oncologists who advised me to go through with chemotherapy after my transverse colon resection. This was a strange experience for me, because i only had one day of knowing that I had cancer. In mid-October, my gastroenterologist found a golf ball sized malignancy and did not let me go home that evening and my next 5 days were in the hospital recoverying from surgery and trying to process what just happened. Earlier today, I began my fifth round of fulfox treatment.
While I was scared (and sometimes I still notice cancer can be scary) , I also had people involved who care about me, particularly my partner. She has also been affected by my sleepless nights and moodyness and puts up with the idea that I get to choose meals for the next 6 months. Quite frankly, I don't know how she puts up with me, but I do know why. It is amazing how some very beautiful experiences can come out of all this, particularly the surfacing of love and devotion and flat out tolerance of a companion being a pain in the arse. I would like to mention that I am the one being the pain in the behind, just so there is no confusion later on.
And, we are all human and can work through this.
I know this may sound pretty dark, but I am going to ramble on with thought I had anyway. A few months after my surgery, I was trying to figure out why or how I all of a sudden felt so free. I think this feeling came about from a terrible notion of dread I felt as I confronted the possibility of both death and a realization of the meaninglessness of life in the grand scheme of things. I don't mean "meaningless" in the sense that some people might view it, but in respect to a level of consciousness I had about who "me" is in respect to the world I believe I know and a reconstruction of what is truly important to me in this lifetime. This was an extremely discomforting thought at first, but I was able to put some things into perspective for me. First, I realize how fortunate I am to have experienced meaningful relationships with other human beings. As I previously mentioned, I too have another person who wants to be here for me. And, I make sure to thank her for this. Second, I decided that I would think hard about what I want to do with the time I have now. Again, this may sound initially dark, but what I mean is that sometimes we don't do a very good job of choosing what we really want to do in our life. Right now, taking care of number one is going to be a priority for you in the coming months and will determine how well you do with recovery. Focusing on positive things is very important. But, gettting in touch with the negative feelings and even those feelings in-between is not a BAD thing. Journaling now helps me. It took me a while to get into it, but I recently discovered that it works well for me in terms of stepping back and just noticing how I felt and how I express myself sometimes. I also find blocking out emotional stuff only has negative consequences down the road. I am not saying that you ought to dwell on the tough stuff, just do NOT be affraid to go there with yourself sometimes. It's just a part of being a human being. And, don't feel bad about this. Don't apologize to anyone for crying or for having a crappy day after treatment or for just feeling like alone time is what you want. Just make sure to communicate to people involved in your life -- partner, boss, friends, family, doctors. I found out that the bus driver doesn't care too much, so if you ride public transportation, don't stand too close to the white line. =)
All joking aside, you will be able to do things in your life that you want to do even though you seem to be scared about that you won't make them happen, because of the cancer. You are living now and fighting and this can be a time where you really take a look deep inside to figure out where the story of you life is going to go in this moment and how you are going to find the livelihood you want.
Anyhow, I hope this reply does not come off too dogmatic or arrogant. I just want you to know that there are others out there like you -- perhaps some are in better shape and some in worse shape. Regardless, you are not alone and many of us are trying to send out positive energy to our sisters and brothers out there. Okay, now I am sounding like a beet-nik or something or perhaps it is the social worker in me. Too bad there is not an "emoticon" with a goatee.
Joy, I wish you well and please do not hesitate to vent in this space. I certainly welcome private messages too.
Peace be with you.
Anthony K.
I am a 28 year old with Stage II and I took advice from 4 oncologists who advised me to go through with chemotherapy after my transverse colon resection. This was a strange experience for me, because i only had one day of knowing that I had cancer. In mid-October, my gastroenterologist found a golf ball sized malignancy and did not let me go home that evening and my next 5 days were in the hospital recoverying from surgery and trying to process what just happened. Earlier today, I began my fifth round of fulfox treatment.
While I was scared (and sometimes I still notice cancer can be scary) , I also had people involved who care about me, particularly my partner. She has also been affected by my sleepless nights and moodyness and puts up with the idea that I get to choose meals for the next 6 months. Quite frankly, I don't know how she puts up with me, but I do know why. It is amazing how some very beautiful experiences can come out of all this, particularly the surfacing of love and devotion and flat out tolerance of a companion being a pain in the arse. I would like to mention that I am the one being the pain in the behind, just so there is no confusion later on.
And, we are all human and can work through this.
I know this may sound pretty dark, but I am going to ramble on with thought I had anyway. A few months after my surgery, I was trying to figure out why or how I all of a sudden felt so free. I think this feeling came about from a terrible notion of dread I felt as I confronted the possibility of both death and a realization of the meaninglessness of life in the grand scheme of things. I don't mean "meaningless" in the sense that some people might view it, but in respect to a level of consciousness I had about who "me" is in respect to the world I believe I know and a reconstruction of what is truly important to me in this lifetime. This was an extremely discomforting thought at first, but I was able to put some things into perspective for me. First, I realize how fortunate I am to have experienced meaningful relationships with other human beings. As I previously mentioned, I too have another person who wants to be here for me. And, I make sure to thank her for this. Second, I decided that I would think hard about what I want to do with the time I have now. Again, this may sound initially dark, but what I mean is that sometimes we don't do a very good job of choosing what we really want to do in our life. Right now, taking care of number one is going to be a priority for you in the coming months and will determine how well you do with recovery. Focusing on positive things is very important. But, gettting in touch with the negative feelings and even those feelings in-between is not a BAD thing. Journaling now helps me. It took me a while to get into it, but I recently discovered that it works well for me in terms of stepping back and just noticing how I felt and how I express myself sometimes. I also find blocking out emotional stuff only has negative consequences down the road. I am not saying that you ought to dwell on the tough stuff, just do NOT be affraid to go there with yourself sometimes. It's just a part of being a human being. And, don't feel bad about this. Don't apologize to anyone for crying or for having a crappy day after treatment or for just feeling like alone time is what you want. Just make sure to communicate to people involved in your life -- partner, boss, friends, family, doctors. I found out that the bus driver doesn't care too much, so if you ride public transportation, don't stand too close to the white line. =)
All joking aside, you will be able to do things in your life that you want to do even though you seem to be scared about that you won't make them happen, because of the cancer. You are living now and fighting and this can be a time where you really take a look deep inside to figure out where the story of you life is going to go in this moment and how you are going to find the livelihood you want.
Anyhow, I hope this reply does not come off too dogmatic or arrogant. I just want you to know that there are others out there like you -- perhaps some are in better shape and some in worse shape. Regardless, you are not alone and many of us are trying to send out positive energy to our sisters and brothers out there. Okay, now I am sounding like a beet-nik or something or perhaps it is the social worker in me. Too bad there is not an "emoticon" with a goatee.
Joy, I wish you well and please do not hesitate to vent in this space. I certainly welcome private messages too.
Peace be with you.
Anthony K.
Joy,
Just some words of encouragement from a stage IV survivor. Try not to dwell of what you see or read on the internet...new drugs and treatments come out daily and the stats on survival can't keep up. Always hope for the best. I try to remember that nobody knows when they will depart this planet and we ALL should live every second to its fullest. I know what you are going through...I was there a year ago...my news was about the worst...I was only given 1 year to live, possibly 2 if treatment went extremely well. Well it's been a year and I'm still here. I keep up with colon cancer news, but I no longer research survival stats...they just get me down and they applied to patients in the past and I'm living in the present.
J. R.
Just some words of encouragement from a stage IV survivor. Try not to dwell of what you see or read on the internet...new drugs and treatments come out daily and the stats on survival can't keep up. Always hope for the best. I try to remember that nobody knows when they will depart this planet and we ALL should live every second to its fullest. I know what you are going through...I was there a year ago...my news was about the worst...I was only given 1 year to live, possibly 2 if treatment went extremely well. Well it's been a year and I'm still here. I keep up with colon cancer news, but I no longer research survival stats...they just get me down and they applied to patients in the past and I'm living in the present.
J. R.
Hope
Joy,
I was diagnosed with stage IV in September of 2004, I was 35 years old at the time. I’ve been through a few surgeries and now I’m on my second round of chemo. The whole thing is very overwhelming. As is always my style here at the Colon Club, I’m not going to mince words. The physical aspects are, or course, draining. The emotional and psychological beating is just as intense. Talk about a rollercoaster! But, and here’s the most important thing, as I’ve come to learn, especially with the help of the people here at the colon club, it’s beatable. Cancer is cowardly and insidious foe. It sneaks up, bites you in the back and then sneaks around, but it has its fears. It’s afraid of medicine and surgery. It’s afraid of love and support. It’s afraid of positive thoughts and strong will power. (wow, that’s really poetically cheesy. I like it!) You’re going to go through a lot Joy. Don’t worry about those moments of dread and fear, they are normal. It’s ok to be upset as long as you don’t let it rule your world. Get well!!!
Billy
I was diagnosed with stage IV in September of 2004, I was 35 years old at the time. I’ve been through a few surgeries and now I’m on my second round of chemo. The whole thing is very overwhelming. As is always my style here at the Colon Club, I’m not going to mince words. The physical aspects are, or course, draining. The emotional and psychological beating is just as intense. Talk about a rollercoaster! But, and here’s the most important thing, as I’ve come to learn, especially with the help of the people here at the colon club, it’s beatable. Cancer is cowardly and insidious foe. It sneaks up, bites you in the back and then sneaks around, but it has its fears. It’s afraid of medicine and surgery. It’s afraid of love and support. It’s afraid of positive thoughts and strong will power. (wow, that’s really poetically cheesy. I like it!) You’re going to go through a lot Joy. Don’t worry about those moments of dread and fear, they are normal. It’s ok to be upset as long as you don’t let it rule your world. Get well!!!
Billy
-
Rick and June Smith
Joy
Joy -
My husband was diagnosed as Stage IV October 2005 at age 44. I cried and freaked and couldn't sleep and could see that the end of my rope was very near. But then things got more "peaceful" - and the crying stopped, and the hope took over. Miracles keep happening every week it seems. Look for them. A lady I didn't know started to preach to me one day and I cannot forget her words. I repeat them to Rick (and myself) all of the time, maybe they will help you until you have come to some peace about your situation:
"YOU SHALL NOT DIE. YOU SHALL LIVE TO PROCLAIM THE WORKS OF THE LORD."
Also, when I start to freak out about things like "oh my God, this might be Rick's last brithday, last Christmas, my kids won't have their father around, etc.," I say what the preacher lady told me to say "NO, DEVIL - LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE. I WILL NOT BE WITHOUT HIM. HE SHALL NOT DIE - HE SHAL LIVE AND WE SHALL PROCLAIM THE WORKS OF THE LORD."
God Bless you, I believe that you will make it through and you will be better for this experience. What a great name you have. Joy.
My husband was diagnosed as Stage IV October 2005 at age 44. I cried and freaked and couldn't sleep and could see that the end of my rope was very near. But then things got more "peaceful" - and the crying stopped, and the hope took over. Miracles keep happening every week it seems. Look for them. A lady I didn't know started to preach to me one day and I cannot forget her words. I repeat them to Rick (and myself) all of the time, maybe they will help you until you have come to some peace about your situation:
"YOU SHALL NOT DIE. YOU SHALL LIVE TO PROCLAIM THE WORKS OF THE LORD."
Also, when I start to freak out about things like "oh my God, this might be Rick's last brithday, last Christmas, my kids won't have their father around, etc.," I say what the preacher lady told me to say "NO, DEVIL - LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE. I WILL NOT BE WITHOUT HIM. HE SHALL NOT DIE - HE SHAL LIVE AND WE SHALL PROCLAIM THE WORKS OF THE LORD."
God Bless you, I believe that you will make it through and you will be better for this experience. What a great name you have. Joy.
-
Carol Connell
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Sun Sep 04, 2005 9:17 am
- Location: NH
I was diagnosed stage IV with mets to the Liver and right Lung in
July of 2004. I was given a very poor prognosis and I am not
only still here, but feeling great. Do everything you can to help
yourself feel and look good and above all don't let statistics play
a part in your life. We are all different, we may be the same
outside but we are all anxious and at times, afraid inside. The
people on this board will always be here to help.
Good luck,
Carol
July of 2004. I was given a very poor prognosis and I am not
only still here, but feeling great. Do everything you can to help
yourself feel and look good and above all don't let statistics play
a part in your life. We are all different, we may be the same
outside but we are all anxious and at times, afraid inside. The
people on this board will always be here to help.
Good luck,
Carol
-
ASTEPHENS33
- Posts: 353
- Joined: Wed Dec 14, 2005 10:04 pm
- Location: Seattle, Washington
- Contact:
Your post hit a chord
I am stage IIIer on chemo right now. That feeling of being scared hits me when I get my blood drawn for testing or like today when I went for a routine mammogram (which was fine). I don't know how it worked for me exactly - but I focus on having the courage to handle whatever is put in front of me - and try to let go out of the outcome. Doesn't work all the time, but for the most part now (its been about 3 months since the diagnosis), I'm mostly grateful for things in my life.
Also, as has been stated by other contributors in many ways, the need to be assertive and informed in one's medical care is essential. I always ask for copies of reports and keep track of things that I think are important. There was no excuse for your records being lost and then having to wait to so long for an appointment. I applaud your doing what's right for you.
Also, as has been stated by other contributors in many ways, the need to be assertive and informed in one's medical care is essential. I always ask for copies of reports and keep track of things that I think are important. There was no excuse for your records being lost and then having to wait to so long for an appointment. I applaud your doing what's right for you.
-
Ron50
scared
G'day joy,
I was dx stage 3 ,6 of 13 lymph nodes were affected ,the doctors were supportive but negative. I chose to survive ,yes it is a choice. Everything they were prepared to give me I took. I had 48 sessions of chemo over a year. There were times I felt that I could take no more(I was still working),but you do what you must. I have just celebrated year eight and am into year nine completely ca free with no signs of recurrence. It CAN happen,fight hard and win,all the best Ron.
I was dx stage 3 ,6 of 13 lymph nodes were affected ,the doctors were supportive but negative. I chose to survive ,yes it is a choice. Everything they were prepared to give me I took. I had 48 sessions of chemo over a year. There were times I felt that I could take no more(I was still working),but you do what you must. I have just celebrated year eight and am into year nine completely ca free with no signs of recurrence. It CAN happen,fight hard and win,all the best Ron.
-
Joy
Got my appointment for my onco/radiology assessment on the 21st. Flying home to Canada on the 19th. Daughter has offered to come with me to the appointment. I hate to involve her but she insists that she is going with me.
Very, very weepy to-day this is my Grandchild's 5th birthday...I just want to go to bed and "hide". I'm finding it very difficult to keep a "happy face"
Now that I've vented --- going to do my hair, put on my make-up and make the best of this beautiful Florida day
Thanks for listening.....
Very, very weepy to-day this is my Grandchild's 5th birthday...I just want to go to bed and "hide". I'm finding it very difficult to keep a "happy face"
Now that I've vented --- going to do my hair, put on my make-up and make the best of this beautiful Florida day
Thanks for listening.....
-
joy
It is getting closer and closer to my appointment with the onc/radiology specialists. - 21st February!!
When the surgeon gave me the news that I had 3 positive lymph nodes I swear my brain turned off. I was so shocked ---- he had been so sure that everything was negative.
I can't remember what he said to me. I do remember him getting a pen and making 3 small dots on the paper and saying "that is what we are dealing with - Radiology/Chemo is going to kill 'em off before they decide to do damage. He told me that there was a "clear margin" and that the surgery was a success. I had sig/rec??
The only problem that I am having is that I'm still having is lots of "pooping" - I've started to use immodium -- and that seems to help.
Is there anyone out there who would like to be an e-mail pal to me. I'm 60 (young!!) Canadian and scared out of my mind. I really need someone to confide in. I hide my fears and anxiety from everyone and I really need someone who has gone through this - to guide me along the way.
Everyone says "be positive" - I am positive but I'm SCARED
jrow@cogeco.ca
When the surgeon gave me the news that I had 3 positive lymph nodes I swear my brain turned off. I was so shocked ---- he had been so sure that everything was negative.
I can't remember what he said to me. I do remember him getting a pen and making 3 small dots on the paper and saying "that is what we are dealing with - Radiology/Chemo is going to kill 'em off before they decide to do damage. He told me that there was a "clear margin" and that the surgery was a success. I had sig/rec??
The only problem that I am having is that I'm still having is lots of "pooping" - I've started to use immodium -- and that seems to help.
Is there anyone out there who would like to be an e-mail pal to me. I'm 60 (young!!) Canadian and scared out of my mind. I really need someone to confide in. I hide my fears and anxiety from everyone and I really need someone who has gone through this - to guide me along the way.
Everyone says "be positive" - I am positive but I'm SCARED
jrow@cogeco.ca
Wow
Joy,
Welcome to the Colon Club! I hope that you find support and encouragement here as I have. This team is awesome!
My words of peace for you is this....Statistics are numbers that can manipulated to mean whatever the intended wishes for them to mean. I was dx at 30 with stage IV colon cancer and I am cancer-free!
I encourage you to believe that all things are possible and know that we are here if you need us!
Hugs!
Holly
Welcome to the Colon Club! I hope that you find support and encouragement here as I have. This team is awesome!
My words of peace for you is this....Statistics are numbers that can manipulated to mean whatever the intended wishes for them to mean. I was dx at 30 with stage IV colon cancer and I am cancer-free!
I encourage you to believe that all things are possible and know that we are here if you need us!
Hugs!
Holly
-
Guest
went for my appointment at the cancer clinic. I was truly amazed and appreciative of the time and compassion given by the nurses and doctors who work there. They took a great deal of time to explain every detail of my treatment options.
1st was the Radiologist who of course told me the side effects and the treatment regime...he also told me that it did "up"rate of successful treatment. GOING WITH IT!!
Oncologist (woman) was wonderful - she didn't talk down to me - told me that surgery was a success (clear margins), however 2 lymph involvements. My health is good (60 years) old and she has put me on 5-FU+ FloFox and Oxaliplatin. Interestingly Oxaliplatin is not approved in Canada and I will have to get special government permission to use this.
I get my picc installed on Monday and start the treatment immediately!!
I did get lots of information on side effects - which is enough to scare me "silly" - but I am DETERMINED.
I'm confused about the treatment cycles seems I'M ON FOR 3 DAYS OFF FOR 10?.
Radiation schedule comes sometime in the middle for 5 weeks.
I'm ready to rumble
1st was the Radiologist who of course told me the side effects and the treatment regime...he also told me that it did "up"rate of successful treatment. GOING WITH IT!!
Oncologist (woman) was wonderful - she didn't talk down to me - told me that surgery was a success (clear margins), however 2 lymph involvements. My health is good (60 years) old and she has put me on 5-FU+ FloFox and Oxaliplatin. Interestingly Oxaliplatin is not approved in Canada and I will have to get special government permission to use this.
I get my picc installed on Monday and start the treatment immediately!!
I did get lots of information on side effects - which is enough to scare me "silly" - but I am DETERMINED.
I'm confused about the treatment cycles seems I'M ON FOR 3 DAYS OFF FOR 10?.
Radiation schedule comes sometime in the middle for 5 weeks.
I'm ready to rumble
-
Guest
Sounds like you have a great plan Joy!!! You GO GIRL!! We are all behind you. If we can all do it, you can!!! 
Yes, On for 3 days off for 10. 1st day of treatment then they will probably send you home with a fanny pack with a 22 hour drip of Chemo, back the 2nd day for another round of treatments then home with the fanny pack. The 3rd day they will remove the fanny pack pump then you are free for 10 days!!
Email me again Joy if you need a boost of support! I will help all I can, you can count on that!!
Hugs Sweet Peg
Yes, On for 3 days off for 10. 1st day of treatment then they will probably send you home with a fanny pack with a 22 hour drip of Chemo, back the 2nd day for another round of treatments then home with the fanny pack. The 3rd day they will remove the fanny pack pump then you are free for 10 days!!
Email me again Joy if you need a boost of support! I will help all I can, you can count on that!!
Hugs Sweet Peg
-
Guest
Peg: Thank you so much for the encouragement. I'm going for it - 2 little grandkids, 1 more on the way, winters in Florida, vacations with hubby to exotic places . I'm going to LIVE!!!! -- No more watching the Dow Jones to see if my retirement investments are making $$$ - I'm going to be the "auntie Mame" to my grandkids and friends I'm going to "smell the roses"!!!
No more feeling sorry for myself.
I really want to send thanks to everyone who e-mailed me when I was in Florida -- I left my lap top with hubby and of course I don't have your e-mail addresses.
I know chemo is a "hard hill to climb" - but I know with a little help from my "friends in the Colon Club" I'll be in good hands.
No more feeling sorry for myself.
I really want to send thanks to everyone who e-mailed me when I was in Florida -- I left my lap top with hubby and of course I don't have your e-mail addresses.
I know chemo is a "hard hill to climb" - but I know with a little help from my "friends in the Colon Club" I'll be in good hands.
Return to “Colon Talk - Colon cancer (colorectal cancer) support forum”
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 57 guests