Greetings from the Pacific Northwest, Joy.
I am a 28 year old with Stage II and I took advice from 4 oncologists who advised me to go through with chemotherapy after my transverse colon resection. This was a strange experience for me, because i only had one day of knowing that I had cancer. In mid-October, my gastroenterologist found a golf ball sized malignancy and did not let me go home that evening and my next 5 days were in the hospital recoverying from surgery and trying to process what just happened. Earlier today, I began my fifth round of fulfox treatment.
While I was scared (and sometimes I still notice cancer can be scary) , I also had people involved who care about me, particularly my partner. She has also been affected by my sleepless nights and moodyness and puts up with the idea that I get to choose meals for the next 6 months. Quite frankly, I don't know how she puts up with me, but I do know why. It is amazing how some very beautiful experiences can come out of all this, particularly the surfacing of love and devotion and flat out tolerance of a companion being a pain in the arse. I would like to mention that I am the one being the pain in the behind, just so there is no confusion later on.
And, we are all human and can work through this.
I know this may sound pretty dark, but I am going to ramble on with thought I had anyway. A few months after my surgery, I was trying to figure out why or how I all of a sudden felt so free. I think this feeling came about from a terrible notion of dread I felt as I confronted the possibility of both death and a realization of the meaninglessness of life in the grand scheme of things. I don't mean "meaningless" in the sense that some people might view it, but in respect to a level of consciousness I had about who "me" is in respect to the world I believe I know and a reconstruction of what is truly important to me in this lifetime. This was an extremely discomforting thought at first, but I was able to put some things into perspective for me. First, I realize how fortunate I am to have experienced meaningful relationships with other human beings. As I previously mentioned, I too have another person who wants to be here for me. And, I make sure to thank her for this. Second, I decided that I would think hard about what I want to do with the time I have now. Again, this may sound initially dark, but what I mean is that sometimes we don't do a very good job of choosing what we really want to do in our life. Right now, taking care of number one is going to be a priority for you in the coming months and will determine how well you do with recovery. Focusing on positive things is very important. But, gettting in touch with the negative feelings and even those feelings in-between is not a BAD thing. Journaling now helps me. It took me a while to get into it, but I recently discovered that it works well for me in terms of stepping back and just noticing how I felt and how I express myself sometimes. I also find blocking out emotional stuff only has negative consequences down the road. I am not saying that you ought to dwell on the tough stuff, just do NOT be affraid to go there with yourself sometimes. It's just a part of being a human being. And, don't feel bad about this. Don't apologize to anyone for crying or for having a crappy day after treatment or for just feeling like alone time is what you want. Just make sure to communicate to people involved in your life -- partner, boss, friends, family, doctors. I found out that the bus driver doesn't care too much, so if you ride public transportation, don't stand too close to the white line. =)
All joking aside, you will be able to do things in your life that you want to do even though you seem to be scared about that you won't make them happen, because of the cancer. You are living now and fighting and this can be a time where you really take a look deep inside to figure out where the story of you life is going to go in this moment and how you are going to find the livelihood you want.
Anyhow, I hope this reply does not come off too dogmatic or arrogant. I just want you to know that there are others out there like you -- perhaps some are in better shape and some in worse shape. Regardless, you are not alone and many of us are trying to send out positive energy to our sisters and brothers out there. Okay, now I am sounding like a beet-nik or something or perhaps it is the social worker in me. Too bad there is not an "emoticon" with a goatee.
Joy, I wish you well and please do not hesitate to vent in this space. I certainly welcome private messages too.
Peace be with you.
Anthony K.