To All My Dear Sisters,
I am so sorry that I haven't been on in such a long time. Everyday is filled to capacity and I drop in bed exhausted. I miss you all so much!
Many things have been going on, a lot of blessings, a lot of tears, a lot of changes. God has not chosen to heal Matt, but he has blessed us with many other blessings.
After receiving the bad news from the last scan and making the switch to Folfiri + Avastin (Which....another blessing.....Matt tolerates VERY well!! So much better than Folfox. And definitely the 5 FU pump is much better for him than the Xeloda!); Matt and I have made some MAJOR life decisions. First of all we decided that we wanted to make the best use of the time he has left and so we took the early payout from his work life insurance and he has stopped working and has gone on full disability. While we are incredibly blessed to be able to do this, it still comes with a price; it makes it all so VERY REAL!
When we got to the bank to deposit the life insurance check Matt made one of his usual silly comments to lighten the mood. He said something like, "well at least you are getting reimbursed for all the heck I am putting you through." I lost it and started sobbing telling him I didn't want the money I wanted HIM!! NO amount of money will ever make up for the pain of losing him!
Matt's last day at work was Wednesday and they threw him a big party and gave him gifts, cards, words of encouragement etc. While extremely beautiful, this caused him such heartbreak to be leaving such wonderful people and to be giving up what has been a huge part of him for so long. He feels like he has lost a big part of himself and I know his self esteem is taking a huge blow.
I have been very busy with my work and with dealing with Matt's disabled brother over the past few months all while going to the cancer center 3 hours away every other week. My schedule has been.....cancer center for a week, home for a week.....during the week home I have to clean, do bills, make sure my children are all doing well, go to work, do the laundry, go grocery shopping, fill out paperwork for disability and life insurance, meet with a financial planner, on and on and on! Just the same things that you are all doing and having the millstone around my neck that has written on it in big bright red letters, "Your husband has cancer and you don't have much time left!! Enjoy life....HA HA!!" Well I have had enough of all that and I quit my job, called my brother and sister in laws and told them I was DONE taking care of their disabled brother and they were to come and get him, hired a cleaning lady, and booked a fabulous vacation to the US Virgin Islands!!!!!!!
We leave NEXT WEEK!!!! YEA!!!!
W are going to spend as much quality time with our children as we can. No more waiting! Matt is feeling pretty good on Folfiri (don't know yet if it is helping or not...CEA is staying the same where in the past when Folfox was working the CEA went down), so NOW is the time to make the memories and not let life push us around so much.
I think about you all so much and still pray for each one of you every night!
I haven't seen any posts by Wendy or Michelle for some time............
Sharon,
You are my hero and I love that you are still here helping us all on our journey!! Thank you!!
Love and hugs to you all!
Niki