Wow.....just wow. I dont really know how else to sum up my reaction to this thread, so thank you again Elissa for telling me about it as I am new to this site, and forums in general. Some part of every post touched me or spoke to me in a way that none of my friends can do for me.
My husband was diagnosed with stage IV CC in Nov '10 at 29 years old. B/C of the lengthy cancer history we started testing for Lynch right away, and sure enough he has it. It's a blessing in one sense, b/c we know where to look for it to show up next, and we can do all the screening to stop it quickly if/when it shows up again, as long as we get through this part of it. But, i also feel like it's a 'curse' in the sense that it is quite realistic that the chances of this being once and done are quite slim. To know that we may have a life of battling this horrific disease, starting at under 30 years old, is terrifying. And if I wasn't getting enough pressure from the in-laws for grand children before, and to have to think very seriously about whether we even want to have any children now, is just too much to bear. With a 50/50 chance of passing this along, and the thought of going down this road with young children, and the possibility of being a single mother, it's just not fair. All my friends are having their first child right now (currently 3 of them are pregnant). And i can't help but feel jealous that they are embracing life, and we are trying to fight off death. I am also happy for them, but hey, we are only human...
I too feel that 'lack of closeness and bonding' during the chemo weeks. Being that we are approaching #4, i don't think we have found anything yet to help with that, other than really taking advantage of our alone time on the well days. On those days we do not talk about 'the big c', or about medications or about what is coming in just a few days. Ignorance is bliss for us in those moments.
I find that God gives me supernatural strength during the days Brandon is weak, and then once his strength and wellness starts to return it's like my body, mind and spirit just give out. Every time for a day or two as he is regaining his strength, i loose mine i guess to 'recover'. Do any of you get this way too? After a day or two of that, i am able to pull myself together and 'play pretend'...
Something that I have to remind myself of on a constant basis is this:
Cancer or no cancer, we are not promised next year, next month, next scan, tomorrow, or even our next breath. And we can not change the past, and can not control the future, so what does that leave us to be able to control? RIGHT NOW. We can choose to make this moment as good as it can be, or we can allow it to rob us of our happiness completely. But regardless of what is to come, we have our collection of 'moments' to look back on and d@#% it, i want to look back on GOOD moments! Regardless of the outcome of this, I want to look back and say "we enjoyed every moment we had, and we made every moment we had the best it could be", because in all this craziness we only have NOW.
So glad to have found you ladies....