chemo is over i feel naked!

[missjv]

hi, well after 10 months of chemo, liver resection and chemo to hai pump it is now all over with and i don't quite know how to deal with it. im happy of course not to have a needle stuck in my chest everyother week, but now im scared cause the chemo was a safety net of sorts i suppose. all of my scans have been clear i guess now will be the true test to see if anything grows back. after all i went through i will be really pissed if it does come back but i would do the treatments again if i had to. anyone else feel scared after being done with chemo?

missjv

[klryder02]

Have you had your port removed yet??

[nodo]

missjv - First, congratulations on finishing your chemo. It certainly is something to be happy about, but I know very well exactly how you feel. It seems like right from diagnosis, you are surrounded by doctors and a team helping you to fight the cancer. You, of course, fight so hard and go through so much with surgeries and chemo. Then, one day, it's over and you're told to come back in three months. I had a very hard time with that. I dove into nutrition, exercise, meditation and all kinds of different things to make myself feel like I was still fighting. It is a very eerie feeling as I would sit and wonder if there is still cancer or not. Time does help that and you need to give yourself a chance to adjust to this new phase of your cancer journey. You can take a lot of comfort in knowing you have finished your chemo and done what you can do. There is NO cancer showing in your body now and we all hope and pray it is gone forever. Just be patient and keep on top of your health. It took me a long time to adjust and get used to the testing every few months. It's been 3 and a half years and I am getting ready for testing next week. It still puts me in a panic. You always have friends on this site to help you through these times. You are in my prayers.

[ray]

I was only stage II, so I never had that feeling. Just elation. I guess the only thing that scared me was the thought of having to do it again and the constant worry every three months when CEA was drawn.

But, hey, naked's not so bad!

Nothing however, is as good as clear scans.

Congratulations. Take some time to enjoy returning to normal.

[missjv]

hi,
no i havn't had port removed yet i am debating that one. since i was stage 4 at diagnosis i have a greater chance of recurrance so i was thinking of leaving it for a while. it does not bother me and it can't be seen under my skin so i might just leave it. then again it reminds me of the cancer so i don't know what to do.


missjv

[Billy]

As with a lot of other things around here, you’ve run into another common, yet rarely discussed issue. The period after treatment and before any sort of real talk of remission is very difficult. It strikes us, I think, a little harder because of our age. There are few support structures available to us. People think we’re too old for the sort of care children get, and too old for that of the elderly. In the last couple of years I’ve been in this situation a few times. I’ve been lucky enough to have a couple of months of relative freedom in between reoccurrences of my cancer. I’m single and live alone. It was a real mind-twister going from having people around me 24/7 to having to get back to the life I had before cancer.

The thing is, I don’t really think there is a life after cancer. I think that once you’re diagnosed it is, and forever will be a life WITH cancer. You’re a patient, a fighter, a survivor, or whatever label you want to put on it. But you will always gauge your life in terms of cancer. I don’t know how likely it is for you, but mine came back, and most likely always will return. I’ve learned to live in the spaces in between. Well, not so much learned as refined, I’ve always lived my life in the moment.

Take a look at what you’ve done!! You’ve undergone all the surgery, all the drugs, all the lows and ass kickings that cancer can throw at you, and YOU’RE STILL HERE!! Take a look around you and count how many people have gone through anything near that. I’m sure, other than the Colon Club, you could count them on one hand. That makes you special. That shows how strong you are. That shows the resolve you have. So yes, this is a scary time for you, but hell, you’ve been through worse!!

Billy

p.s. I would suggest leaving the port in. Check with your docs and make sure they agree. I’ve had mine in for 3 years, and I don’t think it will ever come out. The first time I was clean my doctors said to leave it in for 6 months “just in case”. Turned out to be the case. I’m sure by now your veins are as shot as mine, and that port will make any further treatment so much easier.

[Magnolia]

I felt that way too, after chemo. It's freeing, but scary too. Like going off to college by yourself, or being a trapeze artist without a net. It takes one kind of courage to fight a dragon, and quite another to live your normal life not knowing if he's coming back. BELIEVE he's not coming back, but don't ignore warning signs if he ever does. Live to the fullest. Be prepared to fight again, but never let fear for tomorrow spoil a happy today.

[Erika]

missjv-
Your feelings are totally normal, and as many have said, very common. I'm not sure we can be fully prepared for the feelings we get once treatment ends. But, you know you have a group of 'been theres' and other supporters here.
I have a story that sort of echoes some of Billy's thoughts (great post by the way). After my colon resection, I had an appointment with the surgeon before I headed to Fox Chase for liver surgery, chemo, etc. I told him that I was ready to 'get treatment over with' so I could move past all of this cancer crap. He said, "Erika, you will live with this for the rest of your life." I was furious! What kind of a statement is that? Well, he was right, I do live with cancer every day of my life. Fortunately I'm not getting treatment, but I see my scar everyday, I talk to other survivors almost everyday. Six years later and I still think about cancer everyday.
You are entering a new phase missjv, one that we all congratulate you on, but one in which fear can raise up and bite you in the ass. Take care of your physical and emotional health especially in the next few months and, of course, write whenever you need to.
Erika
PS I still have my port!

[CONGRATULATIONS!]

missjv- I am vey happy for you! I know just how you feel though. After I was stage 3 I was elated when all the surgery, chemo etc was done. I went and had my port out--that felt good. Now 3 years later I am stage IV, had surgery again liver resection and positive node---back on chemo (oral). I dont need the port at the moment, but I am sure I will soon as the oral doesnt seem to be working. So now I wish I would have kept it in. Although it has been nice to have it out...it did take some of the bad memories away for 3 years. Good luck to you.....live for today, try and not keep all this hanging over you every day. Sue

hi, well after 10 months of chemo, liver resection and chemo to hai pump it is now all over with and i don't quite know how to deal with it. im happy of course not to have a needle stuck in my chest everyother week, but now im scared cause the chemo was a safety net of sorts i suppose. all of my scans have been clear i guess now will be the true test to see if anything grows back. after all i went through i will be really pissed if it does come back but i would do the treatments again if i had to. anyone else feel scared after being done with chemo?

missjv

[KalisaO]

Congratulations. I have found there has not been a better feeling than being told you are clean. I wish I could tell you it gets easier or that there is a magic pill that will help with the anxiety or fear of a reoccurrence. Unfortunately, it is just another battle you will continue to face. But you have just found out how strong you are…you have heard the word “cancer” be associated with your name, you have recovered from surgery and you have beat chemo. You are tough. Although, I have only been finished with chemo since January I am choosing to believe these checkups will get easier. I had a PET/CT scan in April (Clean ) and I am going in for blood work next week. I consumed with anxiety, but am trying to keep positive and focus on how good it is going to feel to hear the words clean again. Although it is sad (in a very weird way) to be done with chemo and to have the constant support around you 24/7…find that support again in your new “healthy” life. It is out there…

If you ever need to talk – you can always send me a private message. Again..Congrats!!

PS. I chose to take my port out.

[janb]

Congratulations. Just think, you've conquered so much in 10 months that I think your feelings are normal. Think positive, be happy and start the next stage of full recovery. I'm happy for you Missy.
Jan

[missjv]

HI GUYS,
THANKS FOR ALL THE REPLIES I APPRECIATE IT. WELL WENT TO SLOAN FOR ANOTHER SCAN AND ALL IS GOOD I GOT A GREAT REPORT SCAN ,LOOKS GREAT AND BLOODWORK IS ALSO GREAT SO I AM HAPPY! ANOTHER SCAN IN OCTOBER BUT I WILL GET NERVOUS ABOUT THAT WHEN IT GETS CLOSER FOR NOW I AM GOING TO ENJOY THE SUMMER WITH MY FAMILY AND NOT HAVE TO BE POKED WITH NEEDLES EVERYOTHER WEEK AND THINK ABOUT THE NASTY CANCER AS FAR AS IM CONCERNED IT IS GONE AT THE MOMENT AND IM GOING TO TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. WOW ERIKA YOU STILL HAVE YOUR PORT AFTER 6 YEARS?? YOU SHOULD BE OUT OF THE DANGER ZONE OF REOCCURRANCE BY NOW, RIGHT? IM LEAVING IN MINE AS WELL BUT I HAVE ONLY HAD IT 1 YEAR.


MISSJV