SPOUSES SIDE OF CANCER

[GUEST]

Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 8:01 am Post subject: THE SPOUSES SIDE

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I WOULD LIKE TO ADDRESS THE SPOUSES SIDE OF THE STORY MY WIFE WAS DIAGNOISED WITH STAGE III COLON CANCER FOUR YEARS AGO.THE NEWS WAS DEVASTING FOR BOTH OF US AND THE PATIENT BECOMES SO OVERWHELEMED TO LIVE (UNDERSTANDABLE SO) THAT THEY FORGET ABOUT THERE PARTNER, FAMILY, AND FRIENDS FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS. THE WILL FOR SURVIVAL IS A GREAT EMOTION AND MY WIFE INITIALLY THOUGHT ABOUT NOT SPENING THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH OUR FAMILY, CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN. BY THE WAY WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 30+ YEARS. WHEN THE DOCTOR FIRST TOLD US OF THE RESULTS OF THE TEST I LEFT THE HOSPITOL AND CRIED FOR HOURS, PRAYED TO GOD AND WISHED IT WAS ME WHO HAD THE DISEASE NOT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE . FOR OVER A YEAR I BROUGHT HER TO CHEMO SESSIONS, DOCTOR APPTS AND HOSPITOL TESTING AND I'M SURE SHE APPRECIATED IT. HOWEVER HER DISEASE KILLED ME EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY. EVERYDAY ALL IT WAS COLON CANCER THIS AND THAT AFTER SURGURY SHE BECAME AN ADVOCATE FOR COLON CANCER AND EVERY PERSON SHE TALK TO NEED TO BE TESTED IT BECAME AN OBSESSION NO ,AN ADDICTION AND YES WE NEEDED PROFESSION HELP AND STILL DO OVER (4) YEARS LATER. THE PATINT LIFE IS NOW FOCUSED ON THEMSELVED AND SURVIVAL THE SPOUSE NOT ONLY HAS TO DEAL WTIH THE CANCER , TREATMENT DISAPPOINTMENTS BUT PICK UP MOST OF THE SLACK FOR EVERYDAY LIFE , THE KIDS, GROCERYS PAYING BILLS ECT................YES THERE IS STRESS AND LOTS OF IT, AND YES AM I ANGRY YOU BET BUT BECAUSE SHE HAD THE DISEASE AND I HAD TO KEEP ALL THOSE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS TO MYSELF. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS GET OUR LIVES BACK . FORGET THE DISEASE... BECAUSE SHE WAS LUCKY AND IS CANCER FREE FOR FOR (4) YEARS
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU LOOK AT YOU PARTNER DONT FORGET WE MIGHT NOT HAVE HAD TO ENDURE COLON CANCER BUT EVEN AFTER YOUR CURE WE STILL LIVE WITH IT AND IT SUCKS....................

[Molly]

Good point.

There is a WONDERFUL new book out called The 5 Gifts of Illness that addresses what we patients (of any life threatening disease) go through and how it changes us. My husband is reading it now and I think he understands me a little bit better. I think it's SO important for those of us affected to find support through others going through what we are, so that our partners don't have to take the entire load.

http://www.amazon.com/Five-Gifts-Illnes ... 1569242992

[LA8]

Sorry about that - saw the word 'spouse' and needed to blow off some steam. With what I've gone through in the last year I deserve to, but I didn't mean to burden you guys and gals with my marital problems

[bossan]

Here's my wife's response to the post by "guest". I forwarded a copy to her thinking she might relate to some of the comments.

This was her reaction...

Well, I finally read this. These words are from a very angry person. After 30 + years of marriage you would think there would be more words of compassion. My view is that this is coming from a man who has been used to having his wife take care of everything. Then suddenly the tables are turned, and he now has to do it all. That wasn’t his role before, and I feel he resents it. He liked their previous role identities where the woman took care of the kids, grocery shopping, etc., and he’d come home from work with dinner on the table. He wants to be taken care of, and that is what he misses—not the companionship of his wife. His wife’s attention was always focused on him, and now it is not. That is what he hates.

Oh, and by the way, I am not the one with cancer. I am the spouse, and I’ve been married for 26+ years. Sure I hate all the doctor appointments, but that is because my husband hates them. I see the dread in his face every time we get ready to go to one of them, and it breaks my heart because there is nothing I can do to make it better.

I too grieve for the life we lost, and sure I want it back but for now that is not going to happen, as now the struggle is for survival. If my husband was cured and cancer free for 4 years, I’d be planning trips or working on regaining the life we once had. If this man resents that his wife is now involved in cancer prevention activities, I would say it is because once again her attention is not focused on him. He should be proud that she wants to help people. But instead he resents her because her focus has broadened to things unrelated to him.

[guest]

I too am a spouse of a CC fighter. I do not wish to try to analyze the original poster's state of mind. Clearly everyone gets angry, feels helpless, etc. If the post was cathartic, then it served a purpose.
I personally feel angry at losing the control of the fight. Am I tired of doing a full time job, housekeeper and sometimes 2 parents? sure. I am still trying to find the way to channel the frustration at a disease I cannot yell at, hit, argue with. Am I frightened that every good day my spouse has, and good report is just a moment that will be put out by a "bad news" docitor report the next month? OF course - the hard part is I cannot seem to find the happy times yet, mostly becuase I am afraid of being hurt harder.
I admit I get resentful when my spouse has to rest - sometimes for 2-3 days after chemo. One feeling I have dealt with is the "you can sleep and let the medicine attack it, but I have to wait while cleaning, keeping a happy face. In reality, we are both scared, but my spouse has to rest to get better.
What I am struggling with is for every medicine, for every statistic, study, etc we are still not dealing with a certainty. It also takes a huge time before you see any real cure(?). Most every disease, injury, has step by steps to deal, yet cancer still appears as this monster we fully do not understand. In short - I hate this, so does my spouse, and what it does to everyone.
My advice to this poster (and I guess myself) is that you have to be selfless to help in this fight. You also need to take care of yourself, and get help outside of your inner circle. Your spouse has a demon to fight through chemo, surgery, etc. Much like your spouse, you cannot fight her cancer directly, and she should not be expected to fight yours directly either. Seek a support group to yell at, cry, etc, and learn to deal with the direct and indirect effects.

Now, somebody help me too!

[GUEST]

LET ME START BY SAYING I AM SELF EMPLOYED AND FOR THE 30 SOME YEARS OF MARRIAGE BEING ABLE TO MAKE MY OWN SCHEDULE I HAVE ALWAYS TAKEN ON MOST OF THE DOMESTIC DUTIES AS WELL AS YARD WORK , WATER LINES, BOATS AND ALL OTHER PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES AROUND OUR HOME. I HAVE 3 SONS WHO WERE INVLOLVED IN MANY SPORTS WHICH OF COURSE I HANDLED. I HAVE NEVER COME HOME FROM WORK LOOKING FOR A MEAL AS A MATTER OF FACT I USUALLY BOUGHT AND COOKED IT. SO MUCH FOR YOUR THEORY OF I'M LOOKING FOR ATTENTION.
MY ANGER HAS BEEN FOCUSED ON THE FACT THAT WE HAD TO GIVE UP OUR NORMAL LIFE TO FIGHT THIS DISEASE AND NOW THATS SHE IS CURED I'M PERSONALLY NOT INTERESTED IN RE-VISITING ANY ASPECT OF THE PAST YEARS INCLUDING HER GIVING UP TIME TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE THAT'S WHAT THIS FORM , SUPPORT GROUPS AND DOCTORS ARE FOR. WE ARE BOTH NEARING RETIREMENT AND I WOULD LIKE TO TRAVEL, GO TO PLAYS, CONCERTS AND CRAZY THINGS , GET AWAY FOR THE WEEEKEND, LEARN TO DANCE AND BASICALLY HAVE FOU, BE HAPPY AND ENJOY THE REST OF OUT TIME TOGETHER.

NOT DISCUSS, HELP, SUPPORT OR BE AN ADVOCATE FOR COLON CANCER. IF YOU PEOPLE THINK THATS SELFCENTERED, CONCIETED OR SELFISH, ALL I CAN SAY IS IF YOU HAVE FOUGHT FOR LIFE AND WON YOU BETTER ENJOY THE REST OF IT .....SORRY I EVEN WROTE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE I JUST THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE OTHER SPOUSES THAT WERE IN THE SAME BOAT.........

[Molly]

Don't be sorry you wrote that. You brought up a very good point. On the survivor side of things though...we can't go back to normal. None of us can. We all have found a "new normal," whether we like it or not.

Take me, for example. I've turned advocacy and awareness into my life's work. There's a part of me that does it for selfish reasons...because it feels good to help others and hopefully get people screened before they have to go through what I went through. A lot of us think that way. Please don't fault her for that.

Please think about reading the book I mentioned above. It's not going to cure anyone...but it may help to see through the eyes of a survivor. It's completely normal...what she's going through. Happens to ALL of us.

[Lifes2short]

To the unhappy spouse. Thanks for posting. I think it's helpful to see how cancer impacts those we love. Did you know that typing in all caps is the internet form of yelling? It's also hard to read; your words might not come across as harsh if you use regular case.

I know it's difficult to be the spouse. At least it has been for mine. He's had to shoulder all the responsibilities for work, kids and home. He's had plenty of anger and resentment as well. These are tough times and we all need to recognize that and work through it. Maybe you should consider marriage counseling if you've not already done so. Thirty years is a long time, it would be a shame to throw it away.

Though you might not feel lucky, you really are more fortunate than many of the spouses who help us through this savage battle. At least your wife did survive. And now she's trying to help others. That's something to be proud of.

I understand that you'd like to get your life back. So would I. For you, there is still a chance. Some of us will not be so lucky as to have that chance. I will not survive this. My husband will have to take full responsibility for raising our young children. What I would give to have him be able to still complain about me in four years!!!

I feel tremendously guilty for all I've put my family through. I so wish it could be different. I'd bet your wife feels the same way. Please try to talk through this. There are two sides to every story. Thanks for sharing yours.

[wdt]

To guest spouse -
I am the spouse, my husband has cancer. He is currently on his adjuvant chemotherapy, so we are currently "in" the fight. I have read here on the message board that there is a huge difference between being in the middle of the fight as opposed to "life after chemo", and how each person reacts to that 'next phase' if you will.

I originally read your post a couple of days ago, but did not respond. Then, I read about that woman Cindy Sheehan - the anti war protester - about her announcing she was getting out of the anti war effort.... Anyway, my intent is NOT to make her the topic here, but in the text of the article it said that she had isolated many people along the way and that her crusade had cost her her marriage and I think her job. I would have to assume that when someone becomes THAT focused on something, then everything else is swept to the side.

I actually understand how you might feel about your wife becoming a colon cancer awareness advocate. I think you are grieving for your "old life" and now that she is better, you expected you all would get back to doing the things you want to do - but she is immersed in her new calling.

You all may need to get a therapist or marriage counselor involved now, before it gets too far gone. Surely there is some happy medium that you all could come to where she could still pusue her activism, but not let it consume her to the point that your marriage suffers because of it.

I can see how you might want to possibly travel and enjoy your lives together without everything revolving around cancer....that is what I hope for with my husband when he is finished with chemo. I am not advocating that your wife give up her desire to spread the word about cc, but there needs to be a balance.

Cancer can come between couples. Many marriages do not survive it, and it is tough.

[Molly]

Anyone know the divorce rate in cancer surivovrs? I don't know exactly what it is, but it's higher than the national average, which was at 62% or soemthing like that, last I heard.

It's scary.

[johnmeissner]

.....SORRY I EVEN WROTE THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE I JUST THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE OTHER SPOUSES THAT WERE IN THE SAME BOAT.........

GUEST, like Molly said, don't be sorry you posted. Sometimes, I think when we have gone through any kind of significant experience, we expect others to react to the same (or similar) experience as we did. It's easy to forget that we are all individuals and both us and our families often respond in our own way.

My wife and I had been married for just 11 months when I received my diagnosis. I think it hit her harder than it did me. We both lost our mothers to cancer. My mother passed in 1969, when I was just 14 and not required to be a care giver. But, in my wife's case, she lost her mother just 4 years prior and was her mother's primary care giver. She didn't want to have to go through losing a loved one all over again.

My wife, bless her heart, took on so much. She made sure I got to my doctor's appointments, she spent most of my 10 day hospital stay by my side and with little help from me or anyone else, handled most of the preparations for our cross country move that we made just one month after my surgery.

I believe it to be an unreasonable expectation for anyone to have to conform to any situation in a certain way, just because that's how someone else did it. I have an incredible amount of respect and admiration for Molly and others like her, who are such incredible advocates for cancer research and awareness. I'm not sure I would have the strength and dedication to make it my life's work, like she has. But, I do what I can in my own way. I talked about it on my hockey broadcasts, even interviewed Molly. This weekend, I am the emcee for my area's Relay for Life. I used to want people to see me as the broadcast voice of the Tri-City Storm hockey team, so that they would then be encouraged to listen to the games on the radio and hear our advertiser's commercials. But now I want people to see me and know that I am am cancer survivor and that it is a disease that can be beaten.

GUEST, lots of people can give you advice on how to "handle" your situation. I think (and this is just my opinion)you have to take those opinions, suggestions, tips, advice, whatever and apply what you find useful and mold it into your own road map through the journey you are on. All you can do is the best you can do. That's all anyone should expect. Best of luck to you.

[Ron50]

When I was diagnoed with stage 3c colon cancer ,I had to make my wife a promise that I would survive. Well I have and at nearly ten years I am considered cured.
Does that make me the same as I was? HOW CAN IT. I have half a colon I have the results of a year of chemotherapy. Non stop ulceration of the gut,pancreatitis,gallbladder removal.kidney stones ect ect and now I have to see a heart specialist.
My wife has ever been in denial about my cancer,she never went to chemo with me on those 48 weekly visits , my friends in chemo were my support and I theirs. All of the health problems I have encounterred have been taken as a slight on her. At one stage she told me that if I got fit I would be fine. For close to two years I walked over 60 miles a week. During those two years my health was as bad as it has been since cancer.
I love my wife dearly but I cannot change who I am and what cancer has done to me. She left me last year and it has hurt me as much as any of the medical problems that I have had. The heart specialist will probably find that the only thing wrong with my heart is that it is broken.
I don't know what the answer is to surviving survival. I suspect that it revolves around both partners accepting what is and trying to make the best of what they have. Be kind to each other ,Ron.

[bossan]

This is from my wife again. I am the Jorge she mentions...



What I wrote yesterday was a reaction to angry words. Later in the evening, I thought more about what I wrote, and I thought my words may have offended you. That’s the last thing I want to do to anyone going through all this. I am not superwoman, nor do I pretend to be. I just want Jorge to survive. He says he is not ready to die and he wants to live, and I want him to live and that’s why I am there for the journey.

Also, when we think as spouses of what we’ve had to give up, remember the one with cancer has given up something too. Jorge and I used to jog together. Now I run alone. He’ll go to the parks with me, and usually walks with our dog but I see how he longs to be able to jog again. I am even trying to get him to do music again. The one thing he loves (almost as much as me and his dog), but he has not been able to –more of an emotional thing than a physical one.

Last weekend my sister-in-law and her husband were visiting and one evening she talked about where she and her husband were going to retire. They are two years younger than Jorge and me. I felt jealous and sad that she could plan for something like that. Also, during their visit we talked about how when they got married the priest told him that he doesn’t worry about people who get married young, but more about older couples and their marriages. As he explained it, the young couples grow up together and learn to like the same things. The older couples usually have set ways when they marry, and they have a harder time adjusting or changing their ways. (That’s not my position—I am just quoting. It just got me thinking as to why this is so difficult for me.) My sister-in-law and her husband were 19 and 20 when they got married, and Jorge and I were 21. We were the young couples who grew up together. In that light, I picture my life without him as very empty with a lot of lost history. I mourn now for the life we’ve lost, and the one—the future—I may never have.

So to the “Guest” writer, I did not mean to offend you. We all have very different situations and very different circumstances. You sound as if you have a lot of bottled up emotions that you have never let out…that is until now. I don’t talk about my emotions either. I tend to keep things inside. Jorge has told me to get on these message boards, and I haven’t done so because writing stirs up a lot of emotions--like this discussion of spouses. But now I feel it is ok—because stirring up emotions is what we all need.

Feel free to talk more. I really am a nice person, and a good listener. Maybe it will get us spouses all writing more about our feelings.

For one, I am scared to think of life without Jorge. He is my best friend in the world. He has always loved me for who I am. When I didn’t always feel family support, I knew he was always there for me. I guess that is why I still haven’t confided to my family fully about my deepest emotions about all this.

Another reason I haven’t written on message boards is because as soon as I start writing about my emotions, I start crying…like now.

But I will continue writing if all you other spouses will too.

[northern lights]

I have not stopped crying this entire post. For all of you reading this who have a husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend who takes this journey with you, watches you day by day go through your ups and downs. Stop reading right now and go and hug them and say thanks....



..... now that you are back I want you to know how lucky you are to have that person. I did not have a person like that by my side and it was very lonely. Reach out and just let that person know that you are glad they are with you through this. TALK TO THEM!!!!

[guest]

My husband was diagnosed two years ago with stage IV CC. It was a tremenous blow to our relationship then and still is. I feel like as a caregiver I have done anything and everything I could possibly do to help him through such a difficult time. I feel like all of my attention and every ounce of who I am has been focused on him for the past two years. Tonight we got in a big argument about him still not being happy...I don't know what to do. I feel like he doesn't even appreciate anything I do for him...all of the responsibilies I have taken on to help him. I read the post on here about how the cancer surviors needed and wanted the support of their spouse...and in some cases felt guilty about all that their spouse took on after the diagnois. What do you do when your spouse doesn't want your help...when nothing you do makes them happy! When you find out that they couldn't care less if you stood by thier side through chemo. I withstood months of angry outlashings from him because I couldn't image the emotions he was feeling and I knew that it was just part of the emotional side effects of cancer. But here we are two years later and cancer is rearing it ugly head, again! Sorry, I am confused and rambling on and on...I just feel like the last two years of effort, affection, determination, and support were a huge waste of time...