Living in Fear

[aliveat35]

I was diagnosed with State 2B last August, two days before my 35th B-Day. I had surgery and the Dr. took 36 lymph nodes...all were clear! I started chemo but was only able to get 3 cycles in before my oncologist and I agreed to stop. It was making me very sick and I was hospitalized twice with pancreatitis (ouch) which was caused from the chemo. An MRI a month ago found a small cyst (3mm) on my liver which they could not discern if cancer or not. My problem is that I am having a hard time living in fear of the cancer coming back. I worry that every pain I have is a sign that it is back. I have a two year old daughter and I am so scared of leaving her. Any advice on how to control my anxiety? Thanks.

[Frank G]

You asked how each of us handle the fear.I can only tell you what has comforted me.

I was diagnosed Stage IV with mets to the liver in Oct.I have found these words from Jesus to be very comforting. If you take the entire Bible it is one continueous lesson from God for us to depend on him one day at a time.

Mat 6:25 ¶ Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Mat 6:26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Mat 6:27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
Mat 6:28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
Mat 6:29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Mat 6:30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, [shall he] not much more [clothe] you, O ye of little faith?
Mat 6:31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
Mat 6:32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
Mat 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Mat 6:34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day [is] the evil thereof.

[sean]

I'm 2A w/ some mini cysts on my liver from the pre-surgery CT w/contrast. For the first 3 or 4 weeks I was an on and off mess because I was "Mx" and my mind always wandered to think the worst. I'm 3 cycles into chemo, was on hold last week for elevated liver enzymes, and just got the OK to resume.

From reading posts here & talking with 2 neighbors (we're all early 40s w/ kids & cancer), I think your anxiety is perfectly normal.

Its hard to control the negative thoughts & I fail often. Try to remember that cysts and growths are often benign. When I think of skin that can get warts, cysts, moles, skin tags, and acne it helps me rationalize all the imperfections that are likely to be on the inside too.

You might consider asking for a PET/CT. My treating oncologist ordered one at my request just to ease my concerns about staging. I found the days between the test and getting the results were the worst. The cysts didn't "light up" and so I feel safe for now. An oncologist friend of my aunt who has been nice enough to make himself available for questions doesn't use PETs for surveillance of cc because they gives too many false positives. Despite that both he and my treating oncologist agree that a negative PET indicates the cysts are benign. I still want 6 month CTs w/contrast to make sure nothing else comes along.

I still tend to get a bit freaked out or just lose focus between blood tests, especially CEAs, and results. On the rare occasion it has been really bad I've popped an ativan, which is what I also use for mild nausea.

I get random pains all over my abdomen and chest. Both oncologists and my surgeon say this is perfectly normal after a resection & especially with some chemo. Don't worry.

I wish I had a sure fire solution for you, but I guess this is all part of the cc experience. Think of all the good indicators you have. You had a huge amount of lymph nodes examined with no signs of c - that is a great! You're stage II and odds are in your favor that you will remain disease free. There is only one cyst and benign cysts are common! I've got 3.

I'd ask for a PET/CT and try some ativan while you wait for what will almost certainly be comforting news. Try to use the cc to focus on whats important in your life - in some ways it can be an odd gift. If you can't shake the fear of becoming stage IV, find encouragement in the stage IV NEDs you see. I get a smile whenever I see one. Above all good luck!

[seussfan]

I think fear is totally normal. Everyone here has written at some point about living in fear - fear of test results, fear of surgery, fear of being out of control of what is happening to your body.....I hate that I live in a constant state of fear and that my kids, husband, family, and friends are in that state of fear too. But what helps me is thinking positive - corny I know, but I can't let the fear bring me down. My kids need to see me being strong! I have found that my positive thinking works most of the time, but I do alow myself to have all those other feelings - including fear. Don't bottle everything up!

Joining this online group as well as a cancer support group has been a huge thing for me. I wish you well - keep communicating with your doctors, and think positive!