cancer is separating me from my family Why????

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marcychez
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cancer is separating me from my family Why????

Postby marcychez » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:24 pm

I get fustrated that my family and friends just dont understand me any more its like yes I have Colon cancer stage 3 but im still the same person what wrong with you. But then they get mean and nasty with me they evern accuse me of facking my worries. I try to talk to them they just dont understand that every 3 mth I feak out just waiting for the result to know that the chemo is still working . Is any one out their expericeing the same thing. This cance is just not just waring me down but just separiting me from my friend and family the only one that trys to under stad in my husband and i think it because he has seen the pain I go thew.

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seussfan
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Postby seussfan » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:55 pm

I am so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, even though we are the ones with the cancer and going through all that comes with it, family and friends are going through stuff too. They don't know how you feel or what you are going through, but you don't know what they are going thorugh or dealing with watching you and feeling helpless.

I don't know your family or friends, but I am sure they love and care for you. Know that there are people like you out there - like those here in the forum - that you can count on for positive words when you need them.

shel28
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Postby shel28 » Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:59 pm

I understand what you are going through. I am single and have no one to rely on right now but my family and a few friends. I have already had some falling outs with some of my best friends who have not been supportive and thoughtful and I have been fighting with family members as well. I wonder if my family is really that supportive either. Everyone is busy and has their own ideas of how I should handle my life now and some of them aren't supportive with the decisions I make and/or don't have the time or desire to help me get through this. I feel like a huge inconvenience. And to top it off I have been living with my parents- rotating between my Mom and Dad and am not even in my own home which is 1,000 miles away. Twice now I have almost gotten in the car and driven all the way back to Denver because I can't stand it anymore. Unfortuanately, in Denver all I will have to rely on is friends and I don't know how I am going to get through 6 months of chemo without a lot of help. I don't have any family there. I keep getting lectures from family about how I am supposed to live my life like none of this ever happened and I am supposed to stay postive blah blah blah but they don't really get how I feel. I wish I had some good advice for you but I don't. Just wanted to let you know I have the same problem. And I have only been going through this for 3 months.
Michelle. Stage III rectal cancer. Diagnosed Dec. 27, 2006. 28 years old. Los Angeles, CA and Denver, CO.

rthornton
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Postby rthornton » Wed Mar 28, 2007 10:25 pm

Yeah, I've thought a lot about how the whole cancer experience can be isolating. Like shel28, I am also single and often feel a bit isolated. Sure, there are friends that I talk to every day (with the exception of my father, I talk to friends a lot more than family ... my sister didn't even call me when I had a recurrence last year!), but they are living cancer-free lives and have much different concerns in life. And, anyway, I don't really like to talk about having cancer, very often, except in very superficial ways, because I don't want to alienate those around me by talking about health issues when they are thinking about the things that people in their 20s and 30s SHOULD be thinking about. I remember having lunch with my friend Michelle a few months ago ... she was upset because her boyfriend hadn't called in a few days, and I'd just found out that cancer had returned in the right lobe of my liver. People might just be living their lives, as they should do, starting new jobs, taking vacations, buying new cars, and sometimes these normal activities can seem quite extravagant when you are in treatment, not working, and some days are too tired to leave the house. But I must give them credit ... they are definitely sticking by me!

Monique

Postby Monique » Thu Mar 29, 2007 12:01 am

When I was first diagnosed with cancer I certainly found out who my friends were. People that I had expected to be there weren’t, yet others, whom I’d expected less from, were.

One of the hardest things that I’ve found about cancer is the isolation. Last year, while my friends were reaching milestones, like getting engaged, getting married, graduating from university, achieving career successes, having children—I was getting cancer, receiving chemotherapy and trembling in my boots I was so scared. Lately, I’ve found my diagnosis to be very taxing on my relationship, so I was happy to read that your husband has been supportive of you. Good.

And by the way, Marcy, I freak out every three months too, popping Ativan like they were smarties.

Hang in there.

Monique

shel28
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Location: Los Angeles, CA and Denver, CO

Postby shel28 » Thu Mar 29, 2007 12:31 am

Monique I agree with you on the friend thing. I have found that people I have only hung out with a few time have been more genuine and supportive of me right now than friends I have had for years. I can't believe it but it truly shows you the quality of your friends and helps you to shift your focus on the ones that actually deserve it. I have done that and that's one good thing that has come out of this.
Michelle. Stage III rectal cancer. Diagnosed Dec. 27, 2006. 28 years old. Los Angeles, CA and Denver, CO.

Molly
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Postby Molly » Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:26 am

I'm over 8 years out now and still didn't understand why until recently. Just read a book that actually isn't out yet (but will be soon) called The Five Gifts of Illness. (I was one of the ones interviewed, which is why I got the advanced copy. I believe it will be available in April.) The author is a Crohn's survivor herself and interviewed 102 (or was it 103) survivors of various life-threatening diseases. It really helped explain to me what I felt but couldn't put into words. One thing she talks about for us survivors is that we have now stood at the edge and our innocence (of the reality of death) has been taken from us. We all know that feeling now...to knock on death's door. Someone who hasn't been close to the edge doesn't know that feeling yet...and no matter how they try, they cannot relate. (Not sure if I'm doing the author any justice with my explanation here.)

Anyway, the book really did help me to "get it." I've asked my husband to read it next so that he sees where I'm coming from. I'm interested to see his reaction.
Last edited by Molly on Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Guest » Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:30 am

Hi Michelle,

I know, it’s strange isn’t it? One of my very best friends, someone whom I’ve known since I was twelve, asked me repeatedly what it felt like, thinking that I might be dying. She was curious I guess. Finally, the third time she asked, I replied, “It sucks,” and shot her a withering look. Another friend, a week after my diagnosis, sent me an email detailing the early death of a shared acquaintance who had recently been diagnosed with cancer. Not exactly cheering.

I know exactly what you mean about shifting focus, and you’re right that this new perspective is one of the few bright spots of cancer. A former coworker has been one of my greatest supports, partially because her husband was going through his own cancer treatment this year, but also because she’s a wonderful person.

One other thing that drove me crazy (now that I’m on a role here) was the number of times people said, “Let me know if there is anything I can do for you,” and then proceeded to do jack shit. I was so exhausted by my chemo, and helping care for my father who was suffering from early Alzheimer’s, that stringing together a sentence was difficult, never mind organizing a chore list for friends. Also, I was a little irked by people who said that they were sending me warm thoughts, or prayers. As I’m not a religious person (am a dyed in the wool atheist) I found myself thinking, “Save the prayers, make me a casserole instead.”

Oh well, live and learn.

Monique

meighan
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Postby meighan » Thu Mar 29, 2007 8:03 am

Reading this post was like coming home for me, when i was 13 my mom was diagnosed with cancer. My friends cried in the bathroom and made it the drama of junior high and i felt like a freak. When i was 24 my beautiful life loving mother died and her loving husband of 40 years my father died instantly of a broken heart. I have had every stupid thing said to me accompanied by every look of terror. Everyone worried about me the youngest the one who was alone in this world, again not liking this attention i ran away from all my family and friends and then i met my husband. He brought me back opened me up and let me come home, i forgave and it was easy my life was so blessed. Last year he was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer.............. we have three kids and the family and friends i have found myself back to are all giving me that look again. They even make comments like oh and you have already lost so much (thanks for the reminder but it is not what they say but how they say it i don't feel the love if you know what i mean???)His scans are around the corner and i find myself not even wanting to talk to them. I recognize they love us and are trying to do the right thing but i hate and resent being the one they all are worrying about. Truthfully i feel so lucky my husband and i have a beautiful happy life one i don't think most people ever get the chance to experience so why feel so sorry for me. On the other hand i ache for someone to understand someone to get it. I don't even tell people anymore i just can't take one more stupid comment .I also fear for how they will treat my kids,i don't want that for them. I do want what molly has accomplished by reaching out something positive, i am just a little gun shy as to how to do it. I don't have cancer that i know of but i have been isolated in the same way. I have lashed out or smiled through it all too often, thanks for giving me a place to put this it has been years inside of me.

justme
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Postby justme » Thu Mar 29, 2007 12:48 pm

Marcychez---- I am really sorry about your family. Sometimes I think our family and finds want us to act like nothing is going on, then they don't have to except what is really going on. they think if you can act as if nothing is wrong then it will all disappear. Our family and friends are the worst to be in denial, they can't come to terms with the big " C " word.
It's been 3 yrs. since I was dignoised, been through a lot of things, I have a mom and a brother that just keeps telling nothings wrong with me. If I am sick and pucking my guts out my mom will leave, after my last liver resection, for 2wks I was in a coma and had liver and kidney failure they had not gave me much hope... not one time did my mom come to the hospital to see me or help take care of me (she lives next door to me) my brother has yet to come and see me. God, my husband and kids are my strenght. My husband says the hardest thing for him is to see me so sick and he can't fix it, he has been God sent....

bossan
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Postby bossan » Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:28 pm

Man o man o man......I've seen lots of things...

My sister spends most of the time talking to me about the achievements of her kids, with an occasional, how are you feeling. One time , she spent several minutes talking about her family, asked how I was, I said, not good,in lots of pain and bed ridden, she said, oops, I gotta go and hung up.

Once her husband asked me how treatment was going. I said said not so good, he said but everything is going to be fine right? He once told me, life's tough, wear a helmet.

My mom is great when she's with us, turns into my sister when she's with her.

I have new best friends,with the exception of my closest friends. Some wonderful souls came out when I got sick.

I even had a minister who came over at first to read and talk, help me through the shock. After a while I became old news and I'm on her mailing list. I get an email once in a while saying I'm praying for you. Once, this lady of God emailed me an announcement of how she and her husband bought a brand new house for retirement and how difficult it was to let go of the old house but they want to star their new lives etc...

I thought, WTF???? When the minister is being insensitive, where can it end?

As Jack Klugman oce said, friendships elevate, friendships dissipate
How Beautiful Can A Being Be?
My Personal Forum: http://z8.invisionfree.com/colorectalk
My Story (scroll to the bottom of page 1) http://www.colonclub.com/forum/viewtopi ... sc&start=0

missjv
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Postby missjv » Thu Mar 29, 2007 2:11 pm

hi,
wow and i got mad cause my family and friends were hovering like helicoptors, i couldn't even go to the bathroom without someone asking me if i was alright. im so glad my family and friends have stuck by me i couldn't imagine having my mom walk out when i was sick especially if she lived next door. my brothers and their wives are great they call me 4 or 5 times a week and email me to see how im doing and the nieces and nephews. they took the news of my cancer worse then i did because as soon as i told them i was stage 4 the all ran to their computers and came across those nice out of date statistics on stage 4 survival and by the end of the week i was driving to the airport picking up the brothers and families cause they thought i was dying. now things are better we don't even talk about it anymore it never gets passed hey how are you doing and i say fine and then we talk about other things and life goes on. my mom is still freaked out about the whole thing but she is better now then 9 months ago. well to those who don't have supportive family and friends you can find support here on this board thats for sure.

missjv

MissKim
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Postby MissKim » Thu Mar 29, 2007 2:36 pm

Yeah, cc does strange things to families.

My dad can't cope with anything. My mom has to screen everything for him. He has had a series of strokes and is not in the best health anyway. When I was first diagnosed I was in the hospital for 6 weeks due to the sepsis caused by the cc blocking my sigmoid colon. 3 of those weeks were in a medically induced coma with tubes hanging out all over me. My dad did finally come to see me, until two days before I was to be released. Because he just can't cope. Now he has resorted to buying very expensive material things for me and my family. Things we really don't need like four 4-wheelers and a big boat. I find it more stressful to have to take care of these new things.

But my parents have their own unique ways. I know this is hard for them. But I find that I constantly have to be "up" around them or they get down. That is a lot of pressure. They call and say, "it was so good to see you feeling so good -- that really picks us up." So I feel somewhat responsible for keeping them "up".

The true friends that I have found in this experience are the real treasures. Many of them were casual friends, but they have done so much for me. Amazing wonderful things. I had meals provided to me for 8 months, an amazing fundraiser, a house cleaner so I didn't have to clean toliets on chemo weeks. I receive so many encouraging e-mails from my college friends and some of the e-mails are plain LOL funny. I do appreciate stuff like that.

This post sure has been good to read. I think we can all relate to some of the stories that are being shared.

Miss Kim

marcychez
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Joined: Wed Jan 31, 2007 8:52 pm

cancer is separating me from my family Why????

Postby marcychez » Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:40 am

Thanks
It has helped me knowing that im not he only one going thew this situation. Its true I have found that the look people give me can annoy me. But now that I know im not the only one I will give my family the benfit I guess if you havent worn these shoe you will never know what its like.

I do thank god for my husband he also say some time when Im crying of trowing up, bleeding that its hard for him because he cant fix me so all he can do is hold me. Im guessing that what is wrong with my family they just dont know how to fix me and they dont know what to do.

But his forum is great thank Molly for doing this it does help us express our feeling.


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