My Obligation

[BBeen]

Tomorrow is my last chemo. Tomorrow is supposed to be the end of my struggle. Just like that; it's over. No sirens, flashing lights, marching bands, it's just over. For months this is all I could think and dream about. After tomorrow I'll be me again, or as close to "me" as I'll ever be. I'm really starting to feel obligated. To make the most out of everyday, to give back to the cancer community. All of thes feelings of obligation are leading to guilt. Not everyone has been as lucky as me. My treatments have been very tolerable, I've responded well and to be quite honest this whole cancer thing has been almost more of a hassle than a struggle. The hardest part hasn't been physical, its been emotional. Before cancer I was a couch potato, one of those guys that took the possibility of tomorrow for granted. I'm trying to change. I realize that everyday that I have with my wife, family, friends, co-workers is a gift. But I still find myself putting down roots in my couch and letting life pass me by. I'm not completely oblivious to this happening, I feel guilty. My life now feels like its something that I have to do, like taking out the trash or mowing the lawn. Part of me wishes that I could go back to wasting away on my couch without a guilty conscious.

[AnthonyKramer]

so, what steps have you taken so far to change?

[Guest]

Hi!
Oh please don't feel guilty. It's not necessary. Honestly, I believe you've seen some errors in your ways and if you just walk away from your cancer experience with the knowledge that life is precious and you appreciate your friends and family more, you have become more enlightened than most people ever do (I know I've learned a lot since I've had cancer too)! Just because you've discovered this, doesn't mean that you can't hang out watching TV or relaxing. Good grief, we're humans, we need down time. I mean, it would be exhausting and frankly awfully expensive if we did the things we've always wanted to do every day (ex- swimming with sharks, traveling the world, jumping out of a plane, etc.) Just be happy you are alive and cherish the small things, things that happen daily. That's not to say that you should pass up the things in life you've always wanted to do, but no one can do that all the time! Try not to feel guilty (trust me it's hard for me as well, I am the guilt queen!), just feel thankful!!!!!
Maggie
PS- it's taken me 5 years before I even felt comfortable to do something like this forum, posting replies, etc. It takes time to heal emotionally (my emotial healing has well surpassed my physical healing timewise!)

[Billy]

I found that the time after my first chemo was, emotionally, the hardest part of my illness. From the begining, all through the surgeries and chemos, my mind was focused on beating the cancer. But, when it all slowed down, my mind was able to comprehend the enormity of the situation. That is when I found the Colon Club, and through it, another support group. From speaking with all these people, I found out that I was not alone. Most people experienced this situation. Give yourself some more time to deal with all of this. Talk to people. The Colon Club is a great place to start. Don't feel guilty though. You've been through a lot, and you need time to digest it.

[Guest]

My first post on this forum was very similar to yours BBeen. I felt lost after chemo....I didn't know quite what to do with all the emotion and feeling's of loss. It seemed so weird to me because I was supposed to be so happy having finished a year of chemo. Well, I am here to tell you, after three months, things are more clear. I'm feeling so much better, chemo side effects slowly disappearing, emotions getting back to normal. I feel almost like a normal person again. I needed this time to get back in touch with myself. The year of chemo was spent surviving, being positive when that was sometimes the last thing I felt. There just isn't time to deal with all you have been through until it's over. Please, give yourself permission to feel. I believe that was half my problem, I too felt guilty for feeling lost and emotionally a wreck. After all I was done with chemo, pet scan was negative, what on earth did I have to feel bad about. Well.....I had plenty.....a whole year of survival.

Hang in there and let yourself have this time. Things will improve and you will again, feel like your old self....not so conflicted. And by the way, it is okay to just sink into the sofa once in awhile and be a couch potato.

God Bless,

Mary

[Holly]

BBeen,

First, I would like to congratulate you on your survivorship and completing chemotherapy! Two words...You rock!

Feeling "lost in transition" is very normal and I pray that this too will pass. I must confess that I am 2 years out and I still have this feeling and pray about it often!

As a 32 year old stage IV survivor, this forum has brought me strength and support throughout my journey! I hope that you, too, find such here!

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Hugs!

Holly

[Hannah]

Hey BBeen,

Don't beat yourself up! Although I'm not a survivor, I know lots of them - and what I've seen is that everyone figures out how to live as a cancer survivor at their own pace. Some survivors are ready to run around and talk about colons as soon as they are diagnosed, some wait ten years or more before they are ready to even talk about it. Some get out and go skydiving, some just want to sit down to dinner with their families. And everyone goes through a time like you are feeling.

If this is a matter of you feeling like you want to escape and be a couch potato every once in a while, you probably just need a little more time to think before you get back to “real life." If that is the case, give yourself time to figure this out on your terms – that could be a month, a year, ten years or more. As Erika (5-year stage IV survivor) recently posted, she works hard to find a balance between living like she could die tomorrow and living like she is going to live for another 75 years. That is not an easy task for any of us to do, and I'm sure it's especially hard after being diagnosed with cancer.

However, I also want to bring up something important that I don’t think has been discussed yet anywhere on this board – one serious reality of a cancer diagnosis can be clinical depression. A LARGE number of patients spend at least some time on antidepressants – both during and after treatment.

So... if you feel like this is taking over your life, you feel like you can’t move off the couch even though you want to, you can’t make yourself do something constructive, you feel that you are stuck and can’t move forward – it could be clinical depression. Please talk to your doctor and stay open to getting treatment for it – you’d be amazed at how much some drugs can help!

I may have not said all of that right, but no matter what, you are not alone in any of these feelings.

Hannah