Holly, Lifes2short, Pollyanna, eitter, janb, Dana, Sweet Peg, NICK THE BRIT, missjv, Dot, Magnolia and everyone who has shared my messages.
Dear all of you
I have become sufficiently brave enough to attempt a note to you, after my Mum.
I remember you, Dana, saying after your Mum arose to heaven that you felt slightly bewildered at whether you had any right communicating on this site. Well, I remember consoling you and reassuring you that of course you should come to the site, you have a shared experience, your words are infinitely valuable.
Here I am, feeling slightly the same, but reminding myself that of course I should visit my friends at Colon Club. It would be silly not to. You are my friends and have been so kind, it would be ridiculous to lose contact. I feel a closeness with you all.
I may not impart any new information on combatting this terrible disease but I hope you will be pleased when I check in, regardless.
I have reread your condolensces and your words and warm and comforting. I've printed them off, and i'm putting them in a special flowered box I have bought where we are keeping the many many condolensce cards we have received.
My darling Bren, was buried on Thursday 1st Feb. I do have great difficulty talking of my Mum in the past tense. And I find the word 'dead' so unacceptable. However, her service was perfect. She had a full requiem mass in the most beautiful pretty church called The Abbey. The Father there gave such a profoundly touching and holy mass that I felt privileged to be there. We had a soprano with the most angelic voice sing 'Ave Maria' and 'Panis Angelicus.' My cousin gave a eulegy so meaningful that he was very brave to deliver it, and his sister, my other cousin read a passage from the bible beautifully. I even managed to do my reading without faltering. When I had practiced I kept bursting into tears.
Some of you may know St. Exupery's 'Le Petit Prince.' or in English 'The Little Prince.' My book is yellowed with pages falling from it. But it has a message from my Mum at the front of the book. To her Darling Little Girl and to remember that one only ever sees clearly with the heart. Some of you may be familiar with the moral of the book. In French, 'on ne voit bien q'avec le coeur, l'essential est invisible pour les yeaux.' In English 'one can only see well with the heart. What is essential is invisible to the eyes.' My Mum loved the book and its' original illustrations. It is a gentle spiritual story. You must all read it and tell me what you think.
My Mum repeated the moral of this book to me a handful of times in our lives. It made so much sense. It is really a true moral with which to live your life by. Anyhow, little did I know that the reading I had chosen to do in the church made almost word to word references to this very moral. It clearly stated that what is important in life in invisible to the eye and that what is true may only be seen with the heart. I couldn't believe it. The message that had always meant so much to us and that we had shared between us and nobody else was right there, in my church reading. There was an angel smiling over us.
My darling friends, I cannot pretend to be heroic in all of this. My heart is breaking and I feel a despair at the depths of my soul that I cannot begin to tell you about. But then I remember how Mum said she wished me every happiness I would want in life, and how she smiled at me and held my hand. I cannot let her down by being anything other than strong and happy. But why oh why does it feel like such a huge effort?
I remember when my Mum's Mum died. Mum attacked life with a gusto and energy that was bewildering. If only I could have half of that strength. I hope with time, it will become less of an effort and more easy and honest for me to smile and enjoy.
Keep in touch, everyone. With love, Mali.
Janb, your poem is so beautiful and comforting I am printing it for Mum and giving it a special place in her flowered box. Everyone of you, your condolensces and like warm soft arms, thank you.