Postby Mali » Mon Jan 15, 2007 6:15 pm
Hello everyone
It's 11pm and there's a nurse downstairs arranged by the health trust. I won't stay long as I have 2 letters still to write to my son's school but I feel a burning desire to check in with you.
My darling Mum is in her last stages. In the last month she has been from hospital, to home, to the hospice and then to another hospital. They put her on steroids, but she reacted badly to them. My intelligent, beautiful, young and energetic mother became anxious and stressed. She began to lose all logic and sense. She developed a paranoia and mania and was convinced there were plots against her and the family. Deciding that the steroids didn't suit her, she was taken off them.
She called us on the phone this morning and insisted we speak Italian as people at the hospital would understand what we were saying if we didn't. She insisted she leave the hospital and so we went to get her. My darling Mum was in her cot, a large woman, shrunken and almost part of her bed, lying on her side and grasping the side bars, holding onto them for dear life.
She discharged herself and on coming home everything has become pandemonium, in terms of new faces and phone calls from people we don't know. We've had nurses galore come to the house, assessing her and planning support. They will come in 4 times a day to wash and change her. There will be a night nurse so that we can sleep for the next seven days.
The support will not be every night (the night nurse that is) but they will try as often as possible.
My sweet Mum. She is enclosed in her own world. She sees things we can't see. There was a cushion on the sofa that the health services gave us and she pointed at it and asked if she could go for a ride on it. At another moment, she pointed at her desk mirror. Dad gave it to her and she tried to drink from it. She pointed at her sick bowl. And I thought she wanted to vomit. I gave her the bowl and she put it to her lips to drink from.
She muttered continuously. Some things clear, but not many. She smiled at me today and melted my heart away. For one second, she saw her daughter and smiled.
All of a sudden, as if from nowhere angels in the form of health service workers are descending on us. We are getting support. But i'm worried that after the initial 7-10 days service finishes and they go to an agency, that the agency workers may not be of the standard of the health service workers. You hear so much about agency workers.
My Mum is in her last stages. Her death is happening. I hope to God that I go forward with confidence and strength into the future of my life. And I hope that I will have health. My son needs me to be here as much and as long as possible.
My wonderful lovely mother, is already lost to me. She is here physically but her mind is withdrawing. In one way she is lost to me, but in another she is still here and I cherish every moment that I can look on her. My darling Mum, how I love you.
God bless you Mum, and keep you safe, so safe.
Love to you all, my friends at Colon Club. The only ones outside my direct family who will ever truely understand.
Good night
Mali.